You Are Not in Love. You Are Afraid of Being Alone.

Stop settling for less than you deserve

Being single is not easy.

Especially in a society that glorifies being in a relationship. Not in a compatible partnership, but in any relationship.

Being a single woman is worse than being stuck in an unhappy marriage.

With pressure like this, it is easy to fall into an illusion of a dating culture telling us that if we don’t lie, we won’t win. It breeds the notion that authenticity won’t get you far.

To find a perfect match, you have to become desirable.

I come across many people who fall for relationships because they are expected to. Because the time is ripe. Because the fertility clock is ticking. Because of the fear of ending up alone.

Social media has designed lucrative propaganda around the charm of being in a relationship.

Single life seems dull and worthless.

I am not surprised so many people run away from it, right into the arms of loneliness.

It is indisputable that loneliness causes misery, but being in a relationship doesn’t equate to happiness.

We Don’t Fall For People.

We fall in love with our ideas about them.

Chances you are in love with a person after three dates are close to none. You are captivated by their potential and who they can become in your head.

You can hardly know somebody’s strengths and weaknesses after a romantic walk in the park, or a dinner by candlelight.

The Disney-like props create a charming atmosphere for your imagination to run wild.

Imagination is a marvellous asset of the human brain. But it can be disappointing when you project your ideals onto somebody else who has little in common with your dream life.

Your Excuses Won’t Feed Your Appetite.

If you notoriously come up with excuses for yet another letdown, it is a sign you hope for your illusion to become a reality.

Sometimes facing facts is all you need to realise that your relationship is not what you deserve.

Facts can be brutal. But, at least, they do not disappoint in the long run.

If you keep coming up with excuses for somebody’s behaviour or lack of commitment, it is time to face the music.

You are not in love. You are desperate to be in a relationship.

Do You Have the Guts to Be Real?

We know that people relate to vulnerability and authenticity.

Our flaws make us one-of-a-kind. Being vocal about our shortcomings makes space for others to open up about their insecurities.

Then why do we change ourselves to please others?

Do you switch to a different music genre because your boyfriend makes fun of your tastes?

Would you conceal your goofy side for fear of rejection?

As long as you hide aspects of your personality, hobbies, or personal opinions, you are not in love.

You are morphing yourself into somebody who you think will match the other person’s needs and approval.

We change when we enter relationships. We grow together. We develop new interests. We learn the art of compromising. But it is crucial to recognise whether the change is voluntary and for the better.

Ask yourself: Do I like who I am becoming in this relationship?

Don’t lose yourself because somebody else is available.

Learning how to be alone is one of the best life hacks. It makes you a better human.

Prioritize being yourself. Don’t let your fear of being alone blur those lines.

You won’t find love when you abandon yourself. You will only encounter misery who loves company.

Walk away from relationships where you’re made to feel like you’re not good enough, like you need to change, or like you’re the second choice.

— Kim Quindlen

How Come We Doubt Ourselves?

Why should we settle for less than we deserve?

Because, deep down, we don’t believe we can have it all.

Somewhere along the way, we picked up limiting assumptions that we don’t get what we want in life.

Here is the twist. When you settle for anything, you still end up miserable.

The more we fear solitude the more it affects us.

You think you will escape loneliness when in a relationship. But the same partnership will only emphasize the emptiness.

After all, the foundation behind your choices builds the world you live in.

There is a big difference between being ready for love and needing to be loved to feel happy.

Before entering a relationship, make an inventory of your beliefs about it.

• Do you believe you need to convince somebody to be with you?
• Do you think love is a reward for fulfilling the expectations of somebody else?

Love is not a transaction. It is a state of being.

It doesn’t expect to justify your every action or decision.

Love is free of judgement and sacrifice. Being in love is definitely the opposite of feeling worthless.

When you enter the state of true love, you feel enough. You find the strength to spread healing light around. Because you have healed your past wounds.

Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt. They’re not painful. That’s not just with somebody you want to marry, but it’s with the friends that you choose. It’s with the people you surround yourselves with.

— Michelle Obama

How to Overcome the Fear of Being Alone?

Face The Music.

The first step to improving any situation is to accept it.

Instead of running away from your emotions, however uncomfortable, notice your fears.

There is no better way of beating it than getting to know it.

What has caused the fear?

Past experiences or unresolved traumas of abandonment? People abandoned in childhood associate spending time alone with feeling unloved and rejected.

• Do you find it hard to accept yourself? Do you fear spending time alone because of thoughts that come up?
• Are people’s expectations more important to you than your comfort of living life authentically?

Don’t chase a partner to make you feel alive. You will starve yourself if external validation is all you need.

Take a Look at Your Beliefs.

What beliefs prevent you from enjoying alone time?

• I am not good enough on my own.
• I am no fun when relationship-less.
• Women should be married by the age of 25.

Question those beliefs.

Just because you think a thought doesn’t make it true.

Just because society raised us to conform, it doesn’t make it right or our unique beliefs wrong.

If you change your beliefs, you’ll become a different person because how you view yourself determines how you act.

Let Go of the Emotional Baggage.

Living in the past won’t create a bright future.

You will become a ghost of your past beliefs, experiences, and things you have lost.

The letting go technique healed my life.

Instead of swimming in the pool of what could have been, invest your time in yourself and where you are today.

Toxic relationships and painful breakups do not determine your future unless you give them power through your attachment to the old stories.

Nasty breakups taught you to treat yourself better or value your partner more. Toxic people can give you the lesson of setting boundaries.

Negative experiences don’t make us failures. They add to the wisdom of life. Because of them, we get to make better choices than yesterday.

Know What You Want.

The worst kind of infatuation is when you don’t know what you want. Then you settle for less than you deserve.

Don’t linger in between. Choose your priorities. Aim high and don’t settle beneath the rank. ‘Fun’ or ‘nice’ is no longer good enough for you.

What qualities are not negotiable in your relationship?

Integrity? Respect? Responsibility?

Ask yourself if you embody those qualities. The qualities you represent will always show up in your intimate relationships.

Become the change you want to see in the world.

Never steer away from mentioned qualities.

Focus on What You Can Control.

It is impossible to control people, whether they love or leave us.

But you do have control over your focus. And your focus is your leverage in creating a successful life.

Instead of focusing on what doesn’t go your way, focus on the people you get to surround yourself with.

Gratitude is a magnet for blessings.

Count your friends. Give thanks for little things that amount to big spectacles in your life. Your body. Your healthy mind. The ability to breathe. Your beating heart. The sun rays peeking through your window. The pet you get to hug after coming home.

Afraid of being alone sucks. But it is real. We are wired to connect.

Long-lasting friendships aren’t a luxury. They’re a fundamental necessity in our lives.

You can feel butterflies running amok in your stomach when you meet the gaze of that handsome guy on the street. But it doesn’t make you a match.

It may be an indication of what you desire.

Do you long for companionship? Admiration? Chase?

Relationships are a big part of our well-being. But we should never forget that looking within makes for a better connection with ourselves and organically leads to a long-lasting connection with others.

If you cannot meet yourself in total honesty, it will be difficult to hold space and go deep with others.

Being single doesn’t have to be hard.

It can become an opportunity to find yourself.

Thank you for being here, — Kate