How to Set Boundaries Like a Pro in 5 Easy Steps
Yes. It is possible even in the family circle.
As a recovery people-pleaser, I have had a fair share of failures when it comes to putting my foot down.
I have struggled with saying no to my partners, my parents, co-workers, even a stranger asking for money.
The feeling of guilt and shame was overwhelming. It prevented me from fulfilling my goals, living a happy and simple life, and sabotaged my self-worth. And self-esteem is crucial to get where you want to be.
As a recovery people-pleaser, I have also had a great share of successes in establishing healthy boundaries.
Why setting boundaries is important?
Tall fences make for good neighbours.
Barriers help you to establish your identity outside and within any relationship.
People tend to get lost in parent-child relations, romantic pursuits or business partnerships. Without proper boundaries, they walk over your emotional property.
This breach gives rise to resentment, built-up anger, unspoken issues that result in poor communication.
Having boundaries is completely healthy.
You are an individual with your quirks, beliefs, opinions, and needs. Are they perfect? No, because there is no such notion. Do not buy into the myth of meeting somebody else’s standards or expectations. The only person suffering from such limiting beliefs is the one who participate in creating them.
I used to be that walk-all-over-me type of girl.
I did not know my boundaries. One day at work, my boss asked me if I could take on one more project. Normally, I would agree and not make a fuss. I would squeeze overtime and miss out on my personal life.
This time I marked the line, saying I had already too much on my plate and wouldn’t deliver the quality the project deserves. What have I gained? Respect. Plus, promotion.
This is how the Universe rewards you for bravery.
You should never feel guilty for saying no when your gut urges you to. Nor for shouting yes when your whole body screams of approval.
When somebody is prying into your lifestyle, romantic choices or pursuit of a career, those are red flags of having poor boundaries.
People who relish in your lack of limits do not walk away because they get tired. You have to politely show them what areas they are not meant to cross.
Steps that help to set boundaries.
- Identify the issue.
- What is bothering you about the behaviour of others? Imagine what would an ideal relationship look like.
- How their behaviour makes you feel?
- How would you like to feel after meeting with them?
It is essential to get crystal clear on your feelings and expectations. For example, “I need alone time during the day. It makes me feel grounded and creative. I feel anxious and distracted whenever you drop by unannounced.”
2. Remain composed.
Calm is how you handle tough situations.
Don’t allow your emotions to take control of your reactions. You are in charge of your responses.
People get uncomfortable when faced with limits. Nevertheless, do not lose sight of your prize: freedom and the sense of relief.
During difficult conversations, it helps me to understand that other people have control over how they want to feel.
If somebody feels upset because I treat myself as a priority, I don’t feel responsible for how they choose to see me. If they allow themselves to feel worse because of my decisions, then it is their own making, not mine. If they need control over my action to feel better, I cannot help that.
3. Remain compassionate.
Because of the above-mentioned reasons, I also remain sympathetic.
Not everyone is aware of their feelings and how much power they can have over their states of emotions.
People tend to rely on others for how they feel, whether bliss or misery.
We chain ourselves to how others treat us or how they act. Everyone has the choice to hand in their wellbeing over to somebody else.
People who benefit from your lack of boundaries hold you accountable for how they feel. It is nothing personal. But you are the one who needs to break the dysfunctional pattern.
4. Persist.
Stick to your decisions no matter what.
There may come a time when your assertiveness drops low, and you are tempted to give in to manipulations or pleas from the other side.
Remain mindful throughout the conversations. What emotions come to the surface? Do not react to triggers like raising your voice, feeling guilty, acting out.
Sometimes being blunt and precise is exactly what the other person needs to see their mistakes and your needs. Repeat your needs out loud as many times as you need for them to sink in into the other person’s consciousness.
5. Trust yourself.
Always tune to your body and intuition.
Your intuition feels good. Fear is heavy. Fear is a dense vibration that slows you down.
Whenever something feels off, I can feel it in my stomach area. It gets tight and clenched. I know that the situation is not serving me and my health.
Just because somebody else sees the world through different opinions and values, it does not mean yours are not just as valid. It simply means that the world is full of beautiful variety, and it is more beneficial to appreciate it than fight with it.
Extreme approach: bye for good.
It is a grand vision when you can open up to somebody, and they respect your contrasting beliefs.
Unfortunately, it is not always so. Many people don’t seem to mentally grasp the idea of others having different tastes and dreams. It is too much for them to handle.
That is when a merciless cut seems appropriate. Even though you may have a clear idea of how you want to be treated, they don’t. That is why cutting ties seems like the last resort, but sometimes a justified one.
I have cut ties with several family members after trying to have a polite conversation about my life and choices. It did not work. So I have no more regrets about no contact, even on special occasions like birthdays or other celebrations. I don’t avoid them. They started avoiding me after becoming vocal about my boundaries.
My needs come first. I cannot serve anyone by making myself smaller. I cannot live my best life when I give too much energy into pleasing others. Then, I have none left to support myself.
There is nothing wrong with setting limits. It is a healthy approach.
You deserve to express yourself, and the feeling of guilt will only stifle the authentic path you were meant to travel all along.
It is important to remind yourself of your why when doubts creep over you.
- Why are you doing this?
- How do you want to feel?
- Isn’t it worth the effort and an honest conversation?
Boundaries don’t keep people out. They form honest and intimate relationships. Two individuals who know their needs and are not codependent upon each other can establish a compelling partnership.
I also believe boundaries are a way to better communication between partners. It can be a prompt to what you want out of a partnership and how blinded you have been to your needs for a long time.
I hope you get to see clearly how worthy you are to speak your truth and how powerful you can be when you don’t settle for less.
Thank you for reading!
I write to empower and inspire with self-love. Your biggest strength lies in your authenticity, so embrace the whole package. Wear your unique attitude proudly.
