I Don’t Want to Be a Nice Girl Anymore

Authenticity is smart. A new trend on the horizon.

Since I can remember, I used to play by myself. I used to pick the dress that suit my mood, not my body type. I treasured time on my own.

I loved roaming forests with my grandpa, who came up with tales of haunted and magical places, so we journeyed into the unknown every weekend.

The next thing I remember is acting politely, smiling out of obligation, keeping opinions to myself out of manners. Whenever I wanted space for myself I kept quiet not to offend others.

Later on, it was inappropriate for a girl to wander around the wilderness, so I started hanging out in my girlfriend’s houses to play with dolls, only to pine for toying with cars at my brothers’.

Little did I know, I was abusing my boundaries.

Hell, I had none.

Being myself seemed like a skill in which I was failing extravagantly.

The pressure to grow into an attentive and sweet woman is overwhelming.

We got skilled at putting masks on. We hide true self for fear of being judged.

We excel at changing our nature due to the opinions and assumptions of our family, friends or co-workers. However, most of them do not linger in our lives long enough. Who does stay until the end? You. So the only opinion taken into consideration should be yours alone.

We craft our interests, behaviours to fit into societal expectations, only to lose our identity in it. It becomes merged with the rules and regulations of our teachers, parents, national institutions. It takes boldness to embrace your passions when they do not necessarily meet with the approval of others.

There are going to be people who do not like me. And I am okay with that.

In the past, I have substantially struggled but persevered with becoming somebody others wished me to be. Meaning:

• being polite just because they expected me not to make a fuss,
• shaping my words in tune with their ears,
• not voicing strong opinions or sharing interests, not in alignment with theirs.

After expanding my consciousness and waking up from the conditions I have thrown upon myself, my attitude changed drastically. I began telling how I truly felt about various topics.

I have changed my lifestyle. I quit the steady job that lured me into a false sense of security. I have gradually lost connections with people I used to feel very closed to. However, family is the organization you can hardly stop calling once and for all.

Recently, I had an opportunity to meet with firmly conservative relatives, who have strong opinions about everything and everybody, and do not allow the space for any mistake or mischief, for that matter.

Popular themes overruling our dinner table:

• Everyone should study law, medicine or science because those are the only respectable and profitable occupations.
• People cheat and are only after money.
• Spirituality is a laughing matter for weak and depressed people.
• Healthy eating is a myth.

The family gathering was extremely polite and cordial, with every social courtesy being preserved. Finally, the subject I have been dreading for a long time hit me: What are you going to do with your life now you have quit your steady job?

I replied: Well, finally I get to enjoy life.

Are you going to enjoy life so recklessly into infinity? one person asked, drooling with sarcasm.

Yes, that is my intention. I intend to create the life I feel passionate about. I have no obligation to explain my perspectives. I accept you for who you are, and it would be effortless for the whole family to accept me as I am. I have blurted out with glee.

I felt liberated. I felt re-energized like never before.

Do you know why?

Because I have made the space for my authentic self.

I let go of the need to please everybody, so they could feel comfortable around me. Otherwise, it would mean I have to make myself insignificant, for they could feel more powerful and intimidating. And you cannot serve anyone by making yourself smaller.

As I let go of the need to please everybody, a shower of acceptance washed over me. I have allowed others to represent their standpoint, even if their perception does not align with mine. No adjustments necessary.

You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish. I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be. It is their mistake, not my failing.

— Richard Feynman

Yes, I have studied many books, teachings about the power of your mind. But only the experience truly liberated my potential and faith in myself. Words never teach as experiences do.

Here are my lessons:

Your attitude is everything.

You can approach the moment as a coward, or you can swagger on the arena with pride. The meaning you give to the moment determines your feelings about it, thus the outcome of every battle.

Many of my family members were not happy with my attitude. They would prefer for me to say something just for the sake of keeping the pretence. They thought I was rude.

I can live with that. What I cannot bear is the prospect of hiding my true worth, stifling life-giving energy only to fit in.

It is okay not to be understood.

I am okay with people not finding me as they wish me to be. I do not have to be the perfect match to their expectations, but my priority is to be at peace. I no longer feel the urge to feed my ego with comments on what others are doing, elaborative excuses for my decisions. Admitting to one’s mistakes, weaknesses, temptations is the first step to become authentic.

We are already a magnificent puzzle piecing together with room and possibility for everyone. Nobody needs to shrink themselves just for the sake of being a match to somebody else.

And that is what I have been practising for almost 30 years. I became a master at apologizing, keeping my voice low, as to diminish my thriving.

Break the habit of your auto programming.

I have also built many misconceptions upon family establishment. Beliefs that constructed my reality were linked to my identity as a family member.

I strongly believed that an older family member was always right. Being part of this family was a privilege, and I should keep strong ties with them, no matter the prize. In reality, those bonds were feeble.

I have felt attached to their vision of me. Even though the attachment brought me discomfort, I persevered. Once I allowed that identity to crumble, I could feel at ease with my newly found individualism. The space to become a new me was born.

Authenticity strengthens your feeling of belonging.

You may not recognize it immediately, yet with time, authenticity will also connect you with many people, even though your views upon the world may go separate ways. You cannot trick energy.

Every time you step out into the world, you show how you want to be treated. When you remain true to your tune of heart, when you show respect for yourself through speaking your mind, you pay tribute to people you interact with as well. You allow no space for fake attitude or artificial relationships.

Release the need to please.

Chasing external validation is a sure path to unhappiness.

Do you think you are winning when gaining a convenient smile from a parent, a wink from a cute guy? Well, this form of approval is fleeting and harmful to your long term self-worth. You think you are gaining when, in fact, loss somehow exceeds the winning part.

Desperately striving for others to love you create unhealthy attachments. There will always be people who criticize, judge and do not align with your perspective. However, once you love yourself, the right people will always find their way to you.

It all boils down to letting go.

Letting go of the need to please. Letting go of the need to be identified as a member of this family and having a particular role in it. Letting go of the fear of being rejected. Letting go of the belief that being myself can jeopardize somebody’s self-esteem.

Every person holds their own fears and beliefs. Upon those concepts, they construct their reality. It becomes impossible to find your voice and essence whenever you tiptoe around how they expect the world to be.

You are not responsible for making others feel special and comfortable. That is only their ability to exercise. Ultimately, everyone comes in contact with opposing views, and it is up to the individual to deal with it by taking care of your flexibility and level of tolerance.

The very best thing you have to offer is your energy.

I understand that others would like to gain at the expense of my authentic voice. Think about social media. The whole premise has been established upon selling the idealized version of you so that others would feel somehow deprived, somehow forced to strive further. The disease of more is spreading through our minds, exploiting our fragile egos and vulnerability of human nature.

Your value is not established upon what you do, but on morals that drive your actions. Your perspective of the world is unique, just like you. Your vibes are exceptional and unmatched. You have every right not to follow the circus of superficiality. Once I quit social media, my confidence levels skyrocketed.

When we embrace authenticity, we become authors of our own story. We pour life into our ideas. We design our music. We wear clothes for our comfort or creativity. We speak our minds. What story would you like to make space for in your life?

Saying no is not a crime but a privilege, we tend to take for granted.

We should never feel guilty for being our greatest cheerleader.

When you find your foothold standing by your values, you become unbothered and composed. Being unapologetically yourself boosts your charisma. You allow yourself to discover your stand in the Universe, as you become more creative and confident. When you connect with yourself on genuine and most vulnerable levels, you become magnetic.

Being authentic, feeling good about whatever dreams I am pursuing is far more important than being a people pleaser, afraid to cause tension in the relationship. The most valuable partnership I care about cultivating is the one with myself.

Becoming somebody else does not appeal to me, as I embrace my values, even if somebody does not find me likeable. Nice will get you nowhere. Nice will lead you to the abandonment of yourself. Sometimes you get to live your best version of self by becoming a rebel.

I hope you do not allow the pursuit of artificial approval to blind you to the misguided nature of fitting into the whimsical confines of society. I hope you find the courage to make space for yourself.

Thank you for reading!

I write to empower and inspire with self-love. Your biggest strength lies in your authenticity, so embrace the whole package. Wear your unique attitude proudly.