Why You Find It Hard To Forgive

And what it should really mean for you.

Is there anything in your life you just cannot let go of? Has someone ever pissed you off so much you decided never to speak to them again, and you stuck to that decision? Your moral spectrum has dictated that whatever they did was wrong and you just cannot allow them to think you’re OK with it. I get it.

But, it’s doing you more harm than good.

People have a misconception around forgiveness in that they think they are condoning a particular behaviour or event when they let it go. I myself have trouble forgiving for this very reason — especially when it’s about someone who has hurt me more than once. I’m stubborn as hell.

But let’s look into how not forgiving makes us feel.

Superior

Let’s explore for a moment what happens when someone does something wrong to you. Imagine a random stranger steals your purse on the subway without you realising it. As soon as you realise it’s missing, say when you’re about to pay for your coffee on your way to work, you’ll feel upset, betrayed, or embarrassed.

It almost makes you feel like a victim, powerless and inferior because you lost control. But this also makes you innocent.

Usually, anger sets in shortly after becoming upset. This anger actually works to restore a form of control within you, by heightening your moral compass and denouncing the wrongdoer.

Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. for Psychology Today wrote in his article “Why You Enjoy Getting Angry” that the “perverse pleasure” in getting mad increases your sense of moral worth:

“The energizing surge of adrenaline accompanying your eruption further accentuates your sense of “wronged virtue.” So naturally, you feel morally superior to whoever or whatever provoked you in the first place.”

Although in the short term, anger might help you make you feel like you’re processing the hurt, it is actually making things worse for you in the long term.

Why It Is Worse To Stay Angry

As I said, getting angry is a reaction that follows the first feelings of upset when someone does something you deem to be wrong.

The anger that we feel somewhat comforted by works to heighten your moral compass, yes, but it is also doing something worse for you in the long run.

It is stopping you from looking into the first feelings you had felt — such as shame, betrayal, hurt. This breeds a new kind of feeling, much harder to let go of the longer we feel it.

Resentment.

And this is a very powerful feeling. It’s worse for you than it is for whoever hurt you in the first place because it affects how you make decisions in the future as well as potentially damaging other relationships, and more importantly, your own self-esteem.

Think back to someone who really hurt your feelings and how holding on to that anger might have affected you.

For example, I found it difficult to trust potential partners because my ex cheated on me. I used his wrongdoing as a barrier from connecting with others and it ruined my ability to trust in them. It wasn’t until I let go of that built-up resentment that I was able to get into a healthy relationship with my now-husband.

I had to forgive my ex. But that didn’t involve contacting him and letting him know about it.

One thing I have learned is that forgiveness is more about you than it is about the person who hurt you. It’s about working through your own feelings and learning to move on with pride instead of shame.

Battling Resentment Becomes A Lifelong Chore

When we feel resentment for a very long time, we are in fact victimizing ourselves. We are more likely to become resentful about similar situations or overreact.

We can become avoidant of problems. Or worse, we can make problems worse than they seem in our heads because of the feelings we once felt in the past.

Forgiveness is about coping with the feelings you covered up with the anger that turned into resentment and feeling better.

And how is that done?

Good Therapy explains that it is possible that letting go of resentment could represent a loss of identity if it has been held for a long time, thus making it harder to let go of. But once it is understood that this is not the case, it might be easier to simply let go. In addition, cultivating gratitude can help ease the beginning feelings of resentment:

“When feelings of resentment start to bubble up, try listing things you’re grateful for. Focusing on ways in which you are privileged or fortunate can make it more difficult for feelings of resentment, which often thrive on self-victimization, to take root.”

WebMD suggests the use of empathy. Understanding the other side and the reasons for hurting you could potentially get you to see that they didn’t mean to, or that their situation was difficult.

“Exploring why the situation or person caused resentment allows you to uncover potential misunderstandings. By trying to see things from another perspective, you may be able to reduce resentment.”

My little cherry on top is not taking things personally. Most of the time, when people hurt you, whether it’s on purpose or not, it’s more about something that they are battling than you. When you detach yourself from their actions and think that you were simply collateral damage to their inner battle, you might be less offended.

What Can Forgiveness Give You?

When you make decisions based on your resentment, you’re making decisions mostly based on fear. Fear of being hurt again, for example. It might stop you from making a deep connection with someone you like, or deepen your trust issues in others or yourself.

Letting go of that resentment and learning different ways to stop it from developing in the future gives you the power to control how you feel. It teaches you that no matter what others do, they cannot touch you.

It gives you a sense of peace — like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. I know that once I let go of some of the resentment I had built up over the years, I felt lighter. I realised I could’ve avoided a lot of arguments and situations that were simply related to my feelings of resentment rather than there being anything wrong at that moment, to begin with.

Mayo Clinic gives an entire list of benefits to learning how to forgive, and none of them are actually about the person you harbour resentment for.

They are all for you to take advantage of.

“Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind.”

For example, forgiveness nurtures empathy and compassion not just for others — but for yourself — both of which are related to fulfilment and happiness.

It also lowers your anxiety, increases your self-esteem, and helps to ease symptoms of depression. It even improves your physical health, such as lowering your blood pressure and strengthening your overall immune system.

When you weigh up your choices to either hold on to a grudge or letting it go, you’ll find there are many more benefits to forgiveness. The hardest bit is admitting this — and I hope I have convinced you to.

Final Thoughts

In the end, holding a grudge, no matter how self-righteous it might feel in the short term, causes you more damage than good. When you understand the value of forgiveness and who it’s really for, you’ll be much less hesitant to choose it.

Remember that everyone is on their own path, and those who have caused you pain are battling their own issues that have nothing to do with you. When you take yourself out of their picture, you are in fact working on your own.

Take the opportunity to forgive in order to better yourself and your situation. You’ll find peace within yourself and make some inner changes that will impact your future in many great ways — starting with your improved mental and physical health.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.

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