I Resent My Lifestyle as a Stay-at-Home-Mother

And I’m a little embarrassed.

The idea of staying home full-time didn’t sit well with me for a long time. The expectation that I would be career-focused has always been there. But the expectation to go back to work after becoming a mother felt more like an opportunity that women fought hard for, and like I’d be slapping progress in the face if I didn’t take it.

When I found myself desiring more than anything to be a stay-at-home mother instead, I became confused and battled this inner fight about the modern vs traditional wife and the images surrounding both.

In the end, I made my own rules about how I wanted to be seen, but not without some radical changes in my own thought process.

I am today embracing motherhood full-time, and I’m 33 weeks pregnant — so bring on motherhood twice over!

But it doesn't mean I don’t have dreams to be other things. It just means that what I want to do other than “mother” comes far from first, and I am OK with that, most of the time.

Sometimes, however, I am not so OK with it, and it sucks.

I am acquainted and settled with my personal situation. I cook, I clean, I look after the house, the son, and the husband. I occasionally indulge in a little manual labour, like putting up shoe racks on the walls and playing Tetris with the contents of our storage solutions — Marie Kondo style.

I take my son to all the toddler classes available and during the holidays, we go to the farm, the market, town, parks, etc. I fill up our days with outings so that he can burn off the energy a 2.5-year-old boy has, (which seems never-ending, might I add).

But there is a twist to this. It means I have to schedule in time to do things for myself, and nothing is really set in stone until the very last minute when we know that our son will be OK without me.

Every single little detail of my “me” time is meticulously planned, but it’s conditional and limited.

I hate to say it, but sometimes, I resent the f*ck out of this realisation.

It’s Important Until It’s Not

There are many people out there (non-parents mostly, but some parents who are less involved, too) that when they need to do something, they get up, and they do it. No thought process takes place around the logistics of actually carrying out what they want to do. I somewhat miss that freedom.

I get that I sound selfish for wanting some time off — I don’t have the responsibility of a paid full-time job and I should consider myself lucky. I get that I’m in a really good position because I don’t have an employer rolling his eyes at me for not being able to make it to work when my son is sick.

But if my son isn’t well enough to go to day-care, something which these days happens regularly because after a year in isolation his immune system is catching up — my first thought isn’t always “aww, my poor baby,” but rather, “damn it, I was really looking forward to X”.

I also feel a little heavy when my alarm goes off at 5 AM, the only time that’s almost guaranteed I will get to myself for around an hour before my little tornado wakes up.

Generally, I love that time to myself, but as the days get darker again, my eyes struggle that little bit more to open at that time compared to the early summer days, when the birds would already be singing and the sun coming up to greet me.

I’m tempted with staying in bed and forgetting that much needed “me” time — but I have nowhere else in the day to replace it with because of my other commitments as a mother and housewife. The cooking needs to get done, as does the shopping, the washing, and the entertainment of the toddler right up until bedtime. And then of course I value the hour or so I get with the hubby, something I’m not willing to give up.

To be fair, even writing this makes me feel spoilt.

What’s wrong with me?

And Then I Feel So Guilty

Because we’ll have a really good day together on the day I had to look after our sick son. He’ll hug me tightly and say “I love you mommy” — his new favourite sentence. And that guilt will come sweeping in, daring me to want to be apart from him for even one second one more time.

Why would I want to be anywhere else? Why was I so annoyed about missing out on my plans, no matter how big or small they were?

We’re about to have another son, so another bundle of joy to burst my heart with love. And here I am complaining that my son is sick and I had to take care of him instead of *something less important*.

I keep telling myself that I chose this. And I did — I still do. But it doesn’t mean I am completely happy about it because everything has its cons. I try every day to overlook them, and I remind myself of the privileged situation I find myself in.

But am I completely selfish to feel a little put out sometimes?

Embracing That Gratitude

I feel I have to acknowledge my feelings to deal with them. But it doesn’t stop me from judging myself when I resent my lifestyle.

I have to thank my husband who tries so hard to help me where he can. He makes sure I can get some time to myself when he’s not working. He understands that my “freedoms” are more limited and thus, encourages me to get up and do what I want when he’s there to tag in.

I’ll get snippets of time on weekends that we’re home for me to study and write. I write at 5 AM every morning. Yes, I’m tired, but I’m inspired, mostly.

I acknowledge the resentment I feel sometimes, but I reject it.

I’m happy with the dynamics of this family. More importantly, I’m happy that I’m in a position where my problems are acknowledged and worked towards solving.

No, my situation isn’t ideal less than, say, 10% of the time — but I think I’ll take that.

There are several accepted injustices in this world, but this family chooses not to accept them. No matter what issues we have, no matter how small — they are worked on.

I will find a way to feel better because I always do.

Takeaway

There are pros and cons to everything. It’s about our perspective and reaction to them all.

I won’t deny that I have some complaints about my situation, but I know that what I have is overall more than good.

There comes a sense of acceptance after the dust settles. Once you let yourself acknowledge your thoughts, good and bad. When I explored that resentment and named it, it almost vanished.

Gratitude set in instead and reminded me of how good I have it.

I’m happy with our choices as a family unit because we work on our individual and family goals together. My freedom to be able to voice and deal with my issues, no matter how small, makes me a very lucky lady.

No family is perfect, and no dynamic is flawless, but mine feels right because it is flexible, empowering, and free.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.

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