My Battle With Expectations As A Woman

Accepting the unconventional into my life.

You may or may not have heard of the TV show Dave, whose main character is famous rapper Lil Dicky. It’s a show about his aspiring success as a musician, some stories which relate to past events, some which are purely fictional.

In the last episode released, we are shown the pressures that Lil Dicky faces to get his latest album marketed, while his friend and Hype Man Gata struggles to build his own career as a musician. Events in the episode show how they both hurt each other in different ways in order to get ahead in their own lives, but — spoiler alert — come together for a song at a concert towards the end of the episode.

It’s the lyrics to this song in this awesome TV show that sparked a huge train of thought in me about the progress in my own life, and how I have one thing to thank for it. But first, here are the lyrics that gobsmacked me:

We do the worst to become first You know the deal, baby, love hurts Just keep it real with me, no turf All good homie, what the f*ck are friends for? Ay, ay, ay, ay

[Chorus: Lil Dicky] We good, so good that it hurts so bad I’m sorry if it’s making you mad You mad, huh? Stop playing, huh Ain’t no doubt about it, we good

The gist of the song and of the entire episode is that, no matter how selfish they are at each other’s expense (sometimes even intentionally), they’re deciding not to take it personally because they know they are each on their own paths to success.

They are forgiving each other for the pain they have caused because they know that their passions come first.

There are two reasons why this resonates with me so much.

In the last year or two, I have struggled to uphold many expectations and values I thought I had no choice but to conform to. I decided some time ago that I needed to work on letting those expectations go and focus first and foremost on my own happiness, even if that stirred a little discomfort in others towards me.

This song has helped me to justify that decision and empowered my own views further.

Here is why.

Becoming A Mother Questioned My Desire To Be Career Focused

I became confused about the expectations of my role as a mother and woman in this modern-day society.

Growing up, I assumed I’d end up in London working an awesome corporate job, carrying my laptop around in a briefcase while wearing a badass suit of some sort. I saw myself being a combination of Devil Wears Prada’s Meryl Streep and Angelina Jolie in Mr & Mrs Smith.

Powerful. Strong. Unapologetically smart. But mostly, independent.

I did move to the city in my 20s, and I did have the start of what could’ve been an awesome career in London.

My partner and I, however, decided to buy a house in the suburbs and began making plans to start a family. I got a job working for the local government while the hubby commuted into London, and everything seemed to go really well for us both.

Until I had a baby and my hopes and dreams of climbing up the ranks simply vanished like a magic trick.

It’s as if it was scientifically programmed into me to want literally nothing else but to be a provider of love and breastmilk to my child. I honestly felt like nature literally took over and the happy mommy hormone called oxytocin was in charge of my new identity.

I had not expected this, but I liked it.

Killing The Conflict Between Motherhood Vs Feminism

Women, for years, have been fighting for equal treatment in society, in the workplace, in the media, in their families. There has been a lot of progress, but there is still a long way to go.

In any case, women have fought for options. They have fought endlessly to be heard, and for their freedom to make decisions. And yet, I still feel the absolute need to justify every single choice I make in life. I don’t know if it’s because of my own insecurities as an individual, or if it’s because as a woman, I am still oppressed.

I judged my own self when my brain started telling me that I should stay at home with my baby forever. People told me that I’d get a break when I went back to work, and how it’ll be a good balance to have in my life. But I couldn't imagine leaving my son to go and be with people that I didn’t care about so much. I became jealous at the notion of someone else looking after my baby and spending the time I craved to be with him.

It actually made no sense to me, and I even wondered why women fought so hard for this choice. Rather, I came to resent this option, because now I felt obliged to take it.

And there lies the problem.

It’s good to have freedom of choice. But it’s no good when women face judgment with whichever choice we make, unlike men, whose decisions seem to be rarely questioned.

I started to feel like if I didn’t go back to work, I’d be taking a step back in the progression for women, and letting the team down.

However, the pull towards staying home with my son was immensely strong. That came with the judgment of looking like an old-fashioned, 50’s stay-at-home mother, whose sole purpose is to live for her family. I felt like people would see me as the forgotten wife, and that my husband would start to view me as another utility bill eventually, too.

This leads me to the second reason why Lil Dicky and Gata’s song lifted me so much.

Society’s Intrusion To Marriage

My view of a strong, independent woman also merged with the desire to be a nurturing wife and mother. Somehow, I couldn't see how they would both mould together without any sacrifices being made but I desperately wanted the best of both those worlds.

I had the utmost desire to settle down with the man of my dreams — someone like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. I saw myself fulfilling the role of a heterosexual woman who needs a man (and where a man equally needs me), and a hell of a lot of romance, in order to feel whole.

But this is not how my marriage to my husband is at all. When we first got together, we suffered greatly because of the expectations we had set of each other and of our relationship. Well, I say we, because our problems are shared in theory, but the expectations were mostly on my side.

Firstly, I expected Hollywood romance. And I must admit, over the years, my husband’s ability to perform grand gestures and pull off some awesome romantic stunts has vastly improved, but not because I demand it of him.

I previously tried to force a kind of love out of him that he wasn’t willing to give, and then I blamed him for not being loving enough. Over time, though, I came to accept that just because I need something, it didn’t mean my husband had to oblige.

The love that we feel for each other today is not filled with butterflies and rainbows. It definitely doesn’t fall under the conventional rules of marriage. Our kind of love is nothing like what love should be like according to Western society.

The progressive world expects a relationship to work based on many things, including sacrifice and duty. If a man doesn’t pull his weight at home, for example, he is being disrespectful to his modern wife.

This totally undermined our attempt to live together because my now-husband at the time did not lift a finger, and I was deeply offended. The idea that I was being treated like a second-class citizen was put on me by others. I was made to believe that my partner was taking me for granted and that he didn’t deserve me.

This put a lot of strain on our relationship. I expected to have shared household tasks, consideration towards the other for decision-making, and permission from the other to do their own thing.

But he lived on the sole philosophy of being happy. He certainly didn’t consult me when it came to planning events with his friends or making decisions about his career. He merely informed me and would be shocked if I didn’t just happily accept it all.

He didn’t do any housework because he said his time was worth more, making me feel like my time was worthless because I took on the bulk of the cleaning.

For some time, I even considered my partner to be a narcissist and a manipulator. But he would dare me to be more selfish and considerate towards my own desires. He told me I didn’t have to take care of the housework if I didn’t want to. I thought at first that was his way of getting out of doing anything and that he was being lazy.

While I thought he was selfish for doing what he wanted, when he wanted, he was proud.

But I learned over time that he genuinely meant that I should prioritize more what I cared about. Turns out, I really enjoy taking care of the housework. But as a compromise, my husband started paying for a cleaner to help out because he agreed I shouldn’t feel like I was taking on the bulk of it unfairly.

The fact I once felt annoyed with him for not helping out had more to do with the expectation that he should. The expectation that had been planted into me by society for modern couples. The alternative options had not presented themselves until after I took the time to listen to what my husband and I were saying. I liked cleaning and didn’t mind investing my time in it, thus it was worthwhile to me – but since I didn’t actually have all the time in the world to keep doing it, his input was hiring a cleaner, because he desperately did not want to do it himself. Job done.

Love Is Rightly Selfish

Today, I have started to make decisions without consulting my husband but merely telling him that this is what I want. Not only has he accepted everything, but he has helped to enable it all. Because he genuinely wants me to do what’s best for me, just like he does for himself.

For example, he was over the moon when I decided I wasn’t going back to work. He knew I wanted so badly to stay at home but that I was facing exterior pressures to go back. And he was proud of me for sticking to my true desires.

Then, he was ecstatic when I told him I was ready for our son to start day-care so that I could focus on my new career — writing. He didn’t fight me on the fact that since I was home all the time my son didn’t need to go. He didn’t say that because I wasn’t earning that we shouldn’t take on the extra expense of child-care.

He invested in my love for myself because he believes in me and wants me to make decisions based on my desires and dreams.

My husband wants me to be selfish. He will never see my decisions to do me as anything against him personally, in the same way that I have learned not to be offended about his way of being either.

We have made our marriage work beautifully, despite it being totally incompatible with the world’s view.

As for my own aspirations as a woman — they have changed over time, and I realise I am in a great position because I have the freedom of choice that women did indeed fight for.

I will continue the fight for women by doing exactly what I want and telling everyone else that they can, too.

Takeaway

If there is anything to be taken for anyone reading this, is that a lot of the time we are made to feel that being selfish is a bad thing. Lil Dicky and Gata’s friendship totally strikes that view.

To do what we want and be happy, we have to be selfish to a certain extent. No matter what, every decision we make will be inconsiderate in someone’s eyes, and it is up to us to draw a line, not them.

I have learned that many of the expectations I held were not my own and that once I let go of them, I became a lot happier, and a lot more accepting of my and my husband’s decisions as individuals and as a couple.

I love being a stay-at-home mom. I love doing the cooking and the cleaning. I love writing and creating. Once I find love for other things, I know that it will be within my power to pursue them — guilt-free.

I’m proud of how hard my husband works on his goals now that I have established my own, regardless of what society thinks I should do.

I’m happy with our dynamics, and with my role as a woman in this world.

Here is a toast to celebrate the death of expectations, held by others and myself, and the birth of my own acceptance and claimed flexibility to realize my hopes and dreams of being a stay-at-home mom with a brain of a boss woman.

Thanks, Lil Dicky and Gata.

Sidenote: I am not being paid to market any of the shows and films mentioned in this article and they were purely used to convey my personal opinion.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.

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