Why We Need Fake Friends

And what we can learn from them.

I’m 31, and I thought I was way past fake friendships.

Turns out, they don’t have an expiry date. Fake friendships aren’t ageist, sexist, or racist. No one is immune to their toxic presence.

Mostly, we are taught to stay away from them. We get hurt and we move on to the next one.

Inevitably, they’re just always there, and it’s about how we react to them. We can ensure they don’t get into our heads, and we can emotionally distance ourselves in order to protect ourselves from them.

But what about the positives we can take from fake or bad friends? Everything has a silver lining, as we know, so this should be no different, surely.

I’m all about learning, and I assume that’s why you’re here, so let’s dive into the flip side of fake friendships to even out the scales and make us feel better about their inevitable existence.

Fake Friends Challenge Our Weaknesses

When you know someone is using you, either for your kind nature or for your money, fame, or simply because you are there when no one else is, there is something about us they are challenging.

“Why me?” is a question I ask myself when I have felt taken advantage of. While I do not condone using people, I do believe in personal self-growth and the power of learning.

And what’s more interesting than learning about your own self?

I use the fake friend in return, but only for self-reflection.

I’m definitely not saying it is my fault for letting others walk all over me, but I am admitting that something about me is attracting the toxic behaviour of a person, and I can change that. In fact, the only thing anyone can change about any scenario or situation is themselves and their reactions.

It’s important to note that, a bad friend to you isn’t necessarily a bad friend to everyone else. That’s why I like to dig deep into the “why me” question. This done objectively need not bring about endless anxiety and worry when you take a forward-thinking approach, and swiftly move on.

Fail fast.

This is a term I learned in tech through my husband — I strongly apply that here. I accept that what has happened cannot change, but I can learn and apply the lessons to my future. This done quickly, without dwelling, saves me a lot of unnecessary pain.

Find the qualities that you feel might have attracted the bad friend, and work on those. Is it your confidence? Is it your over-kindness? Is it your tendency to put others before you? Whatever it is, the quicker you accept it and begin brainstorming solutions, the better your chances are of making this experience a positive one.

Assess your weaknesses.

My issue was that I would drop everything to be with my fake friends. I would cancel on others, including my husband, to be with them. I wouldn’t hear from them for weeks, they’d ignore my messages, and as soon as they contacted me, I’d free up my calendar and be the most flexible girl in the world just to grab a coffee with them. I almost felt like it was an honour that they contacted me.

I had to work on heightening the importance of my own plans and prioritising them less. They were just people, after all, and definitely not as important as me. I started saying no and keeping to my original plans — even my plans to do nothing.

Eventually, they got bored and stopped contacting me at all, or they became more eager to see me. Either way, it was a win-win for me — I gained confidence in myself and learned to put myself first.

You determine who you are — not them.

Remember, your personal traits don’t define you. This is why I don’t like personality tests and saying “I am an introvert” or “I am not a punctual person”. You are whatever you want to be. You are who you believe you are.

But your belief in yourself is what determines who you actually are — and those beliefs can change. If you are always late but want to be punctual, you can work on it. If you are shy but want to be more confident, you can work on increasing your confidence.

Of course, some things are harder than others to break out of, but your mind is the most powerful tool you have been given, and its potential for growth and change is there — you can use your bad friendships to learn where you can grow. My article below on how I changed my thinking might help.

Bad Friends Help Us Declutter

We learn what we don’t like, and we also learn from what we don’t like.

I cannot stand gossip and have learned that through bad friendships. In recent years, I have worked very hard to cut it out completely. I feel it is a waste of time because putting people down is bad for your own mind.

Firstly, as a firm believer of The Law of Attraction, putting others down will backfire, simply because you attract what you put out.

“All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own.” ― Rhonda Byrne

It is better to simply not give attention to anything negative — that means no dwelling feelings that are negative, nor any love. Showing apathy for it would be even better.

I knew someone who mostly only talked about others to me. It was mentally draining and I often felt worse after seeing her. In a different conversation, I told her I hate talking about others in a negative way. She put two and two together, and she no longer complains so much about people, especially people I know. But I stopped hearing from her half as much. Surprise surprise.

However, I also learned that those who put others down are usually feeling insecure about the very thing they are judging about others. I know because I myself have done it. In the same way that I have put others down when I have felt jealous of their success, she was, in essence, telling me that she was insecure about the things she complained about in others.

“The self-righteous scream judgments against others to hide the noise of skeletons dancing in their own closets.”

― John Mark Green

When I worked on cutting out gossip, that meant decluttering my brain and by default, cutting out those superficial friendships. Today, if I am in a room with people who are gossiping about others, I walk out, check my phone, or completely change the subject — depending on the situation or the people I’m with. I have no trouble telling those I love to stop complaining about someone they know.

Take what you didn’t like from a bad friendship and work on taking it out elsewhere.

Fake Friends Trigger Self-Love

You learn what you don’t like in people and you aim to avoid it, even in yourselves. You set your own principles and become more attached to them.

They test you. They walk all over you until you decide that enough is enough. You determine your standards based on the lessons you learn from bad friendships and experiences. You learn to look after yourselves better and become resilient and empowered. You become less tolerant and better prepared next time.

You, essentially, heighten your own value.

In essence, fake friends are telling you where you don’t love yourself enough because those are the areas they pierce when they use you — and therefore you can nurture love in those areas.

In turn, you learn to trust smarter. You might spot red flags sooner, or you might take a little longer to grow friendships — and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Bad Friends Nurture Worthwhile Relationships

Every time I feel down or get insecure about whether a so-called friend is being shady, I remember my best friends. I remember my family who is there no matter what.

I call my true friends and ask them how they are doing. I maintain and cultivate real friendships because those are the ones that matter and those are the ones that need my attention.

Rather than trying to please everyone so they will like me, I needed to accept that it is an impossible and futile task. I had to simply care for those whom I love and are close to me. Bad friends helped me realise that I don’t want everyone to like me — I need to simply be a consistently good friend to my real friends.

When you steer close to those that you love and who love you, you will feel better about who you are. You will find comfort in the knowledge that people accept you and don’t expect anything from you. This will push you to be a better friend to them and of course, a better friend to yourself.

“Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together.” — Woodrow T. Wilson

Takeaway

There is no doubt that once we spot a fake friend, limiting their company or cutting them out completely is best because their negativity is detrimental to us.

But the experiences don’t have to be all bad. Using them to learn about ourselves does not damage us — it empowers us.

My husband always says that everything we learn, whether good or bad, are data points. We can use these data points as lessons. And, after all, knowledge is power.

Use your superficial friendships to grow as a person, work on your weaknesses, and love yourself more. You will attract more good when you cultivate love in yourself and those that matter.

Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this and follow her on Twitter.