Why We Should Bring Back Courtship, Even As The Mythos of Monogamy Deteriorates

Courtship is a romantic, chivalrous gesture rooted in romance; it is a symbolic way for a man to express his appreciation for a woman.

This is a book I just bought, that I am intrigued to read, as I believe it offers insights into maintaining intimacy and respect in relationship models that may diverge from those typical to the Western monogamous, nuclear family model.

I’ve been facing backlash lately, both from my writing takes that a certain population of men disagree with, and in my personal life when I don’t make myself easily available to men who pursue me with barely a modicum of charm, if any.

For example, I was chatting with a guy online who made it clear that he wanted to meet me. While he had extended the offer of getting to know one another over a meal (that it was implied he was paying for), he’d also mentioned that he was currently on leave from work on disability. He’d even furthermore suggested that, since we both had some daytime availability, he could pick me up and drive me to his place to hang. So I tread carefully, still feeling attracted to him but sensing that this might not be a man worthy of my energy.

Yesterday, I messaged him, and he, sensing my reticence, suddenly exploded with:

The vileness from this man only snowballed in intensity after this, confirming my suspicions and then some. He even sent me screenshots of some of his financial accounts to “prove” he was not broke, at the same time accusing me of being a broke, pathetic, sad, old single mom who can’t get a husband or a regular job.

Well, good luck to men like that. I even told him that I wished him good luck on his journey, which obviously infuriated him more. He couldn’t stand to consider that there might be a reality outside of his skewed patriarchal, heteronormative, culturally conditioned view; he couldn’t fathom that I might actually be a self-actualized, financially independent woman who has been lucky and successful enough to be able to raise a child as a sole care provider because it gives me complete autonomy over both my life and that of my child’s.

I don’t have to answer to a partner or ex-partner about my decisions with my child, in regard to her nutrition, her education, her socialization, where we live, etc. But on the flip side, being a single mother has given me great responsibility; it has matured me, wisened me, and made me more discerning of my boundaries and my energy.

Becoming a mother was an enormously healing, transformative experience for me. It helped me finally feel fully ready to face my demons and live a more authentic, aligned life where I took full accountability for my actions. Motherhood has helped me to re-parent myself, as I’ve been graced with the ability to see my own mother, my childhood, and myself through a new lens. It has helped me to be compassionate and forgiving for my younger self, who didn’t know better and who did the best she could at the time.

As a mother now, I am much more discerning toward masculine energies and behaviors. Where once I was flippant about a man wanting to be called “Daddy,” I now consider the perversity of it if he has not earned such a title in our relations. Men get irritated when a woman demands respect, but the necessity of earning respect goes both ways.

As I’ve written before, our capitalist, superficial culture has caused us to be disconnected from our bodies and to participate in the commodification of our bodies. When we are aligned in ourselves, we recognize that our bodies are physical extensions of our spiritual selves. We nurture our bodies because they are our physical vessels for our spiritual selves.

So as I’ve said, men would stand to benefit by approaching woman in recognition of the divine, earthly creatures we are, regardless of whether monogamy or any kind of serious relationship expectations are even remotely on the table.

As I’ve also elucidated, apparently often on deaf ears, women bear more costs and risks when it comes to meeting potential dates and whatever energetically ensues accordingly.

So please, men, approach and treat women with respect, and that respect and generosity will return to you in multitudes. Know that it is not only men who are frustrated with dating apps, the loneliness epidemic, and hook up culture. Women have been deciding to take less sh*t from men, who increasingly are treating us as pieces of meat and, in doing so, degrade both the divine feminine and divine masculine parts of us. It takes accountability, maturity, and mindfulness to show up for women by courting rather than leading with your basest desires. Men, it serves you to work to earn our trust, our attention, and our affections.

Even if neither party is seeking any sort of long-term-commitment, being generous, attentive, authentic, and meeting a potential partner’s needs will go a long way toward helping to bridge the gaps between your desire and a woman’s availability.

Being more selective about my energy has helped me to rise in self-love, and in doing so, has raised my vibration to help me attract that which I seek. Let’s continue to live authentically, with love, rather than playing small or continue to allow energies and ways of interacting that no longer serve us.

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