When You Rise in Self-Love, You Attract Better Relationships

As someone who’s struggled with self-consciousness and a sense of unworthiness, it’s been a long journey learning to relax into love while maintaining my boundaries.

As I’ve learned to lean into self-love, I’ve become more able to accept genuine interest and love from others as well. I’ve better learned how to communicate myself, my needs, and my thoughts and feelings.

I speak on this because in a world influenced by heteronormative expectations, while these same norms are being subverted through the rise of hook-up culture, polyamory, p*rn, and other ways of living outside of the nuclear family model, self-love is foundational for developing healthy romantic relationships with others.

Being clear on your worth, needs, and boundaries is necessary for you and your partner to establish your relationship and forge a way forward in what may be an unconventional, open relationship.

Your relationship with others can only be as healthy as your relationship with yourself, so releasing past traumas and having past hurts from old relationships is key for being able to open oneself to new relationships in an authentic, open-hearted manner.

I’ve received a lot of negative feedback based on my articles asserting my need for men to do “more than the bare minimum” or to take me out at a venue a bit more romantic than a coffee shop.

Both men and women made comments akin to saying that the 50s called and wanted me back. Harhar. I am not trying to be a 1950’s-esque tradwife. I believe humans are not naturally monogamous. I also believe that dating and relationships reflect your relationship to yourself, the effort you put in, and the value you place on such connections.

Below was one of the strongest negative visceral reactions I’ve received regarding my opinions, and her level of vitriol suggests this woman has some unresolved trauma (which still does not make her viciousness toward me ok).

While some men and even women may shoot me down as a woman for setting the boundaries I do, I’ve learned not to take their anger, accusations, and projections personally. Sure, coffee dates may not even work for some people but may also be ideal: a low-pressure, low-stakes environment to meet a potential interest.

For me, I’ve found that my energetic connection to someone is influenced by the energy and atmosphere of where we meet; I also believe in this digital age, we can have the pre-date “coffee date” virtually rather than in the bland setting of a coffee shop. In my healing journey, I’ve also gained perspective on how I was too easily available for in-person, low-stakes dates and how maintaining clear boundaries and expressing myself authentically works better for me than my old people-pleasing approach.

Why attack me for simply stating my preferences and boundaries? I respect myself, so I only ask for respect in return. Rather than “taking my coffee dates where I can get them,” as this self-professed dating and life coach anger directed me to do, I only engage in relationships and dating where my boundaries and energy are appreciated.

Sure, I’ve gone on coffee dates, and some have been good. Nonetheless, my point remains: when a venue has a romantic, date-night vibe, it increases the likelihood of feeling a romantic spark with a date. Energetics and atmosphere matter.

And am I rewarded for expressing and maintaining my boundaries? Yes. So I remind people not to take other people’s bitterness, jealousy, or judgments personally. You do you and continue to rise in self-love. Those who are secure in themselves and who similarly strive to rise in love will meet us there.

A romantic partner of mine texted me this the other night. I hope he gets the message as well. ❤

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