We May Not Be Naturally Monogamous, But Men and Women Need Each Other

Healing has made me me more selective about who has access to my energy, yet it’s also made me realize how much men and women need each other (or, more accurately, people need each other).

I’ve written a lot lately about the plights of dating as a single woman in a hook up culture driven by dating apps and skewed by the proliferation of porn and mainstream media’s sexualization of women. Though the men largely don’t seem to want to listen, at least not those who have commented on my articles, dating is fundamentally uneven between men and women.

I’ve received glaringly dismissive and snarky responses to my analysis that the patriarchal model harms women more than men, yet ultimately harms both of the sexes. So many men are triggered by my assertion that the patriarchal model devalues women’s time, labor, bodies, and our very autonomy.

Because men have a hard time in this culture as well, many seem to get defensive and see using “the patriarchy” as a cause for women’s oppression as “weak” (a verbatim descriptor). I would say statistics don’t lie, but I’ve become jaded as to how data can be biased, manipulated, and misinterpreted. Statistics aside, substantial research points to how women suffer in our system, where domestic labor is accorded little to no economic value, likewise with jobs in the “feminine” professions. In our current system where women are expected to work outside the home (yet still also be responsible for more of the domestic burden than her male partner), where men also largely retain the expectation of being the primary breadwinner, women’s paid work is still markedly paid less than men’s paid work.

Pandemic reality further set women’s progress back. A man can excel at his work and have children, and there tends to be little tension between his professional and parenting/family goals; meanwhile, a woman often has to choose between work and parenting, and this tension only heightened in the last few years. When child-rearing tends to fall more under a woman’s responsibility, without economic compensation, and when it often occurs in the isolating model of the nuclear family, we all tend to suffer.

I believe a matriarchal culture lends itself to a more egalitarian, natural way of living, promoting men and women to behave more authentically and within their divine power. The claims made in the book Sex at Dawn support this idea. A matriarchal culture supports more collective child rearing, as well as more open and honest intimate relations. It also promotes higher social, spiritual, and emotional maturity among men, who thus are expected to step up in being involved in raising the collective’s kids. This model of community and collective support is what is so sorely lacking in our current individualist, nuclear family model.

Humans may choose to be romantically monogamous, or at least practice serial monogamy, but our romantic and sexual behaviors often are not truly monogamous. Does that encourage or entail devaluing sex or relationships? No, but having to keep up with the façade of monogamy encourages subterfuge, deceit, and infidelity.

Does polyamory or other non-monogamous approaches toward sex and relationships devalue intimacy? No, but alternative models do demand that men and women be more authentic, conscious, honest, and transparent in their interactions. Rather than thinking about what you can get out of the relationship, or seeing another person as someone to possess, a perspective of allyship and compersion fosters a more conscious, spiritual, and authentic connection.

The quandary of being human in a capitalist, patriarchal culture where monogamy is heralded as the “civilized” and successful model of a relationship, while sexuality — particularly women’s sexuality — is also highly commodified, fosters confusion, shame, secrecy, and less-than-honorable approaches toward intimacy, sex, and dating.

I propose instead that men and women try radical honesty in our interactions. So for the men who are partnered and identify as ENM, you need to offer more to prospective dates than interest in shared intimacy. We live in a capitalist, patriarchal culture, and it is imperative that each partner has his/her needs met in the various love languages.

We each must clearly express our individual boundaries, needs, and expectations, and stay true to what our needs are. If we need more from another person, it should not be a struggle to express that. I’ve written as well a lot about how women (and men) need more languages than just physical touch. In being conscious about meeting another’s needs, and helping to satisfy their desires on multiple levels, we elevate rather than debase relationships.

A quick Google search on “do we need sex” and “do women need sex” suggests that both men and women benefit from having sex. While sex is not a pressing need in exactly the same way that food, water, and oxygen are, we tend to feel most fully alive during periods when we are sexually active. Having a healthy sex life can help us regulate our hormones, our nervous systems, our emotions, and even our cognitive functioning; in short, it can holistically improve the quality of our lives.

So to the men who relentlessly pursue sex with women: you need to entice her and meet her other needs. Women need sex and intimacy just as men do, but we also need to feel valued. We need you to show us other love languages. Men and women need each other, so let’s approach one another with respect, integrity, honesty, and compassion.

Ryan, Christopher and Jetha, Cacilda. (2012). Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships. Harper Perennial: New York.

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