Men, Take Note: S*x is Not an Activity Like Any Other
An old (now estranged) friend of mine has a partner known for his controversial takes.
One of these hot takes of his is that “sex is an activity like any other,” his point being that sex doesn’t have to be such a minefield or so tied to long-term-relationship expectations. It doesn’t have to be so deep. And yes, their relationship is polyamorous, if that’s not obvious.
While I also identify as polyamorous/ethically non-monogamous (ENM), his argument has always put me a bit off. I do think people are more naturally polyamorous than not; as discussed in the book Sex at Dawn, monogamy was culturally imposed on us as people became tied to the land with the rise of agriculture and men wanted to maintain a clear linear connection to their progeny.
Even the other animal species that we think of as monogamous are only romantically so, not sexually so. The puritanical and religious approaches to stifling sexuality and keeping it in the constraints of marriage isn’t serving us, yet the other extreme of seeing “sex is an activity like any other” is also dangerous.
While promiscuity may be the norm across the animal kingdom, and among people to varying degrees of secrecy, sex is nonetheless a distinctly different activity than any other day-to-day activity. To pretend it is not is absurd.
Sex is a procreative act and can help us to experience the divine in ourselves and our partners. Tantric sex is an absolutely exquisite mystical experience. Good sex, even with yourself, can lead to altered states and catharsis.
As the myth of monogamy is slowly crumbling, we face substantial societal pushback. The U.S., after all, is still largely tied to its conservative, religious roots. The latest controversy with abortion bans highlights how politically charged the matter is. Clearly, sex is not just an activity like any other, particularly these days when it can entail one’s bodily autonomy being undermined and one’s entire life course being altered.
As humans existing within this cultural matrix, how are we supposed to navigate and reconcile our rational selves with our physical selves and desires? Is it really either/or when it comes to living a conventional life or one that is soaked in sin? In short, no. We can reject the dating app culture trend of commodifying dates and hook ups and stay true to ourselves. We can approach sex and sexual relationships with an ally lens rather than seeing potential partners as conquests.
Approaching sexual relations responsibly requires radical honesty, accountability, and transparency. Our immature and naive culture of course does not teach us how to be comfortable with our bodies, how to see our physical bodies as our vessels and as the physical manifestation of our spirit. Rather than fixating on shame and lust, we need to take ownership of how we consume sexual media (for those who do) and how we respond to people sexually.
If sex were an activity like any other, furthermore, why would sex work be so stigmatized? Why is it still illegal? At our core, we are sexual beings, and sexual labor is still labor. The rise of OnlyFans is a perfect example of how sex sells; yet, as I have written, due to the sex/adult industry being seen as high-risk by banking and financing industries, it is the underlying technology driven by sex that is advancing more than our relationship with sex, content creators, or ourselves as sexual beings, is advancing.
As I’ve written in my Is It Wrong to Weaponize My Femininity? article, sex should be about honoring the other person and to create an energetic interaction that is healing and empowering for both individuals. It is the onus of men to understand that women have more at risk in any encounter, from STI and pregnancy risks to risks facing nonconsensual behavior and having her boundaries crossed.
So, no, I don’t think there should be anything stigmatizing about sex work; sex workers sell their services, not their bodies. Sex is not an activity like any other; it forges an energetic connection, and each party who chooses to engage in sex may feel free to set their terms.
As I have written in Yes, S-e-x Sells, But Dating Is a Risky Venture For Women, men need to do better. If you are seeking a no-strings-attached FWB type of relationship but aren’t willing to see a professional provider (or don’t know how to do so), at least be honest about what you are seeking. And really, women need other love languages. The more generous you are as a lover, the more that kind of generosity will return to you.
Men have the upper-hand in this dating app world, where as a single woman I increasingly find myself matching with partnered ENM guys. Sorry, if you’re already partnered and seeking extra-marital fun — or if you’re single and not looking for anything serious — you need to do more to woo a woman than just offer your intimate services. We are all active co-creators of our realities, and it is important to be mindful that, at the same time, we live in a patriarchal culture, where women’s bodies, labor, and time have been systematically devalued and commodified.
Sex is both the ultimate divine connection and a low-vibrational frequency. To embody sex and sexual awareness and to know how to channel that energy toward developing a deeper relationship can lead you to even more blissful realms. Let us try not to just be consumers and seekers of sex, but rather to look at how sex can energize rather than deplete us.
Women are temples. Do not come to a temple without an offering. Let women and sexuality help bring you to new spiritual realms. Sex is a doorway; what it leads you to is your decision.
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References:
Ryan, Christopher and Jetha, Cacilda. (2012). Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships. Harper Perennial: New York.
