Is It Wrong to Weaponize My Femininity?
As a feminine-identified woman, I’m becoming increasingly radicalized in terms of how I perceive and interact with men.
In response to my recent article, “Why Do I Trigger Men When I Demand Respect As a Woman?,” I’ve received some much-anticipated backlash, such as in the screenshot below.
Take this response, for instance, where a man became incensed that I highlighted the disparity between men and women while simultaneously denying his systematic privilege and then in turn gaslighting me.
To say that I must fight to demand respect as a woman is not to deny that men may need to fight for respect as well, but it is to emphasize that women must fight that much harder in a patriarchal system. It is telling as well that the person felt that I was “tear[ing] others down maliciously” when the point of my article is that I am just demanding respect; and if you are triggered by a woman demanding respect, maybe consider why. Did this person who attacked me (claiming that I tried to attack him) need to read my article on men feeling triggered by a woman demanding respect? Why might he have felt attacked?
My article that received even more backlash was the one entitled “Why Is It So Hard for Men to Do the Bare Minimum?” Here, I will acknowledge that I was inviting such backlash to an extent, by having a provoking title that did not add a qualifier so to say something along the lines of “…So Many Men…” or “Why Is It So Often Hard…”.
Yet again, I managed to offend many men (while also garnering enthusiastic support from many women) not because of the assertion that it is so often hard for men to do the bare minimum, but because so many men cannot bring themselves to admit that the playing field in dating (or in life) is uneven between men and women.
Why is it so hard for so many men to admit that they systematically benefit from privileges not only in this patriarchal system, but also as individuals who generally do not have to fear for their boundaries to be crossed in a way that women do? Why is it so hard for so many men to understand or appreciate that they should put in efforts besides the physical pursuit of a woman?
The response below overlooked my argument that women generally need more than just the physical love language of touch; we need, as I wrote, literally any of the other love languages, which are acts of service, gifts, quality time, and words of affirmation. Again, many of the triggered men respond by gaslighting me.
I never said a relationship or encounter is all about money, or that relationships should only or primarily be viewed in such materialist terms. Quite the contrary; I am demanding the other love languages because, as a highly spiritual person, I believe that dating and relationships should help us to heal and raise our own and each other’s vibrations rather than to lower them.
This man below extrapolated the fact that I am a single mom to mean that I am being materialist and reducing relationships to the financial aspect accordingly, based on my needs/priorities.
We as humans are all complex and multi-faceted creatures. All I am asking as a woman is for men to do a better job of acknowledging that and to show me love languages that contribute to the depth of the relationship/fling/interaction. As a single mom, I’ve become even more selective and conscious of who I share my energy with; my finances are just fine, but motherhood has helped me to learn that if someone is not adding value to my life, they are being a liability and detracting from it.
Another comment below to one of my articles has also left me really reminded of how insidious the myth of monogamy is in our patriarchal system, and how difficult it is for men to reconcile sexual interest/prowess in a woman with respect for her.
Again, what is interesting is that I do agree to some extent with these men I have triggered. Yes, I agree that everyone needs to earn respect; my point is simply that society has made it so that women must fight even harder for respect. Yes, I agree that there can be a disconnect between “body count” and “experience” or level of aptitude in regards to physical intimacy. “Knowledge Peddler” had also written in this comment thread that he sees body count as important to consider for both men and women because we absorb the energies of the people we are intimate with. Ok, fair point — to a degree.
Here’s the thing: the men who are triggered are failing to recognize the double-standards placed on men and women (i.e. a woman is a “slut” and “reckless” if she is seen as being overly promiscuous, while a man is applauded for his sexual prowess and his “conquests”). Men are automatically afforded more respect than women. Men are seen as gaining in power for their sexuality, while women are shamed for their sexuality. This is how our society operates.
Furthermore, the analogy of saying that more experience does not necessarily entail more (sexual) prowess/aptitude, as in the case of Donald Trump, is missing the point and also, quite frankly, largely inaccurate. Actually, for a lot of us, young adulthood is a time for us to explore our identities and sexualities; and learning to be comfortable and confident in our bodies and ourselves can take practice.
Neither a man nor a woman should be ashamed of or shamed for having had a past high body count. What I find interesting is that I never mentioned anything about “body count” or having had many lovers, but this man felt compelled to make the above comment. That tells more about his own perspective and biases than my reality.
I also agree that as one ages and matures, one should become more selective with who she/he shares energy with, particularly sexual energy. Sex is the ultimate energetic bond; it is a naturally psychedelic experience at its height, when two bodies are in union. That sex is the ultimate biological procreative act makes it sacred. This is not to say that I believe that sex needs to be limited to procreative purposes, or that we should condemn or limit our sexual activities. But it is to say that we should be mindful of sex, as it is our life force.
To be sexually active and to have sexual pursuits is to show your vitality. To channel your sexual energy and use your life force for creative or other purposes is of course also an expression of your vitality. Yet what many men fail to understand is the gravitas of sex, the fact that it does create an energetic bond, and that it should help elevate us rather than debase us.
As a woman, living in a patriarchal system where men are culturally conditioned to see women as somehow “tainted” by having had many lovers, where monogamy is heralded as the norm if not the reality for many of us, and where my labor, time, and very identity is systematically devalued, I am left with no choice but to weaponize my femininity.
As Oscar Wilde is attributed to have said, “Everything in the world is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.” And, as a counterpoint, Viktor Frankl wrote of sex, that in addition to being a primal drive, “sex is a mode of expression of love…love is not understood as a mere side-effect of sex; rather, sex is a way of expressing the experience of that ultimate togetherness which is called love." So, given the charged nature of sex, and its expression of both power and love, I suggest to men that if you are not already mindful, that you become more conscious of how you channel your sexual drive. I suggest to men you be more mindful in your pursuit of both sex and of women. Let us women also be mindful and demand that our needs be met.
Ultimately, sex, dating, and relationships should be about honoring each other and helping to add value and growth to each other’s lives, however fleeting or momentous such connections may be.
Ryan, Christopher and Jetha, Cacilda. (2012). Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships. Harper Perennial: New York.
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