avatarOlivia Love

Summary

The article discusses the author's perspective on modern dating, particularly the challenges women face with men who fail to provide value beyond the physical aspect, often referred to as "sundries."

Abstract

The author reflects on her personal experiences and observations of men in the dating scene, emphasizing the importance of men providing more than just physical attraction. She criticizes the prevalent "sundries" behavior among men, where they are not invested in forming meaningful connections or showing respect and generosity. The article highlights the author's growth in self-love, spirituality, and wisdom, which has led her to set higher standards for the men she engages with. It also addresses the societal and economic challenges faced by single mothers and the broader implications of a patriarchal system on dating culture. The author advocates for men to move beyond superficial interactions and to demonstrate courting behaviors that show genuine appreciation and effort.

Opinions

  • The author believes that men often categorize themselves as "sundries," undervaluing their role in forming substantial relationships.
  • She expresses frustration with men who pursue women without genuine availability or respect, and who fail to recognize the importance of courting.
  • The article suggests that men need to do better and move beyond entitled behavior, which is perpetuated by a patriarchal and monogamous societal structure.
  • The author argues that dating apps and the current dating culture do not serve the best interests of either men or women.
  • She points out that women, especially single mothers, bear a disproportionate burden in dating and parenting, which is not adequately supported or valued by society.
  • The author emphasizes that men should not only focus on the physical aspect of relationships but also demonstrate generosity and mindfulness, suggesting that there is a spectrum of behavior beyond transactional interactions.
  • She encourages men to contribute to enriching connections and to understand that their behavior has consequences, with generosity often leading to more fulfilling relationships.

Men: Do You Provide Value? Goods and Sundries

I have an inside joke with a friend of mine referring to guys not worth our time as “sundries.”

According to the Oxford Languages Dictionary, sundries are “various items not important enough to be mentioned individually.” You go to the store to get goods and sundries. People seem to approach dating similarly. Men, particularly, in this dating app age, seem to veer toward the “sundries” category.

Screenshot by author; response from a male reader from author’s piece, Why Is It So Hard for Men to Do the Bare Minimum?

As I’m growing in my consciousness, my self-love, my spirituality, my wisdom, and my standards, there is a lot I no longer care to put up with. I don’t have the energy for it. In fact, it has reminded me of all the pent-up fury I’ve held over the years from this repeated sundry type of behavior by men toward me. It’s intolerable. Yes, desire can be a beautiful thing, but it needs to be reciprocated with respect.

I had the following exchanges with the guy who inspired my, “Why Is It So Hard for Men to Do the Bare Minimum?” piece.

Screenshot from author, in conversation with a guy acting like a sundry

This was after this guy had repeatedly pursued me for months, even though we both knew that he wasn’t really available in any sort of capacity. His reply, “Sorry you feel that way,” was in response to a previous text from me that I never should have unblocked him. Clearly, this was one more reminder to trust your intuition.

This particular guy deliberated for a few days and then replied with quite the sundry response:

Screenshot by author, conversation between her and an ex-lover showing sundry behavior

The irony was that if he hadn’t put his foot in his mouth and patronized me with the “You’re a sweet gal” talk and diminished our connection beyond the physical, I might still have seen him. I know the baggage he has and didn’t see him as a potential long-term partner. I’ve been planning on moving again soon anyway.

But guys who aren’t truly available, who nonetheless feel some entitlement to see a woman, and/or who feel the desire that propels them toward a woman but can’t recognize the role of courting her or making gestures to try to win her affections in any way, tend to get in their own way. The above series of texts from my ex-lover fueled my fury and sparked my most well-read article to-date, the “Why Is It So Hard for Men to Do the Bare Minimum?” piece.

I find it funny — and by funny, I mean sad — that the guys who responded critically to my article are the ones who most show their own fundamental lack of understanding, their wounded masculinity, and the flaws of living in this patriarchal system.

Screenshot by author; response to Why Is It So Hard for Men to Do the Bare Minimum?

This hot take above is also factually incorrect. If he’d read the article, he’d see that I am a single mom sole care provider. I never went after the birth father for anything, who was incapable of providing or being any kind of father or parental figure. I have taken on the entire burden of care myself. Do I regret becoming a mother? No. It’s been a great source of healing. Is it hard as hell, though? Yes, of course it is. Parents don’t have the support system we need, and parenting is not socially or economically valued in our society nearly to the extent that it should be.

Screenshot by author. Response to author’s “Why is It So Hard for Men to Do the Bare Minimum?” piece

Some men simply don’t like the feeling of being attacked. Of course, none of us want to feel attacked. But nowhere in the article do I say that all men are bad, or even that men are bad, I just say that men who behave in the entitled ways I’ve experienced need to do better. I argue that the patriarchal, monogamous system, is not serving either men or women. Nor is our dating app culture.

I explain why women need more than just the physical love language of touch. I also support my argument with factual data that shows that women have more to risk with dating and intimacy, and that professionally and financially, women’s progress has once again faced setbacks due to the pandemic reality.

Screenshot by author; comment to author’s “Why Is It So Hard For Men to Do the Bare Minimum” piece

Did my article say that any man I am involved with needs to significantly cover the cost of my rent or provide that level of financial support? To say that a woman needs more than the love language of physical touch is not saying that you should pay any woman you pursue for physical intimacy like a paid companion. There is a spectrum between free access to a woman and paying her like an escort — or literally expressing any of the other love languages in addition to physical touch — for access to her body and physical intimacy. Men, I encourage you to work on nuance and being mindful. Generosity and mindfulness go a long way.

As I’ve written in my “Yes, S-e-x Sells, But Dating is a Risky Venture for Women” piece, we all know that humans are driven by sexual desires. If you don’t have your head entirely in the sand, you also recognize that dating is a risky venture for women — exponentially more so than for men. And timely. And draining. And so forth.

So in an age where exponentially more potential partners are available at the tips of your fingertips than ever before due to dating apps, if you as a man want to stand out for a potential date, or an ongoing lover, make the date/time together worthwhile. Bring her a bottle of wine. Spend quality time. Bring/buy her food. Show gestures that might help to win her affection, that show appreciation. And if you truly just want to act like a sundry and are only seeking NSA (no-strings-attached) sex, maybe consider hiring a professional.

I also think that while men clearly are driven in part by sex and sexual desires, they often do also crave something deeper as well. By letting themselves be driven by the lowest vibration, without themselves contributing to enriching the connection otherwise, men often tend to be self-sabotaging. There are consequences to behavior, either way; and generosity often pays back exponentially.

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References:

Chapman, Gary. (January 2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts.” Northfield Publishing, Chicago. Retrieved from https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/

Harford, T. (5 June 2019). “Does Pornography Still Drive the Internet?” BBC News. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/news/business-48283409

Ryan, C. and Jetha, C. (2012). Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships. Harper Perennial: New York.

“Sundry” definition. Retrieved from Oxford English Dictionary. Powered by Oxford Lexico. https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/sundry

Dating
Dating Advice For Men
Romance
Conscious Dating
Men
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