To the “No Drama” Guys
To all the guys who make it a point to say “no drama,” “good vibes only,” and other similar phrases, you’re giving away your lack of maturity.
If you want “no drama” but feel entitled to a woman’s energy without giving her anything in return besides no-strings-attached (NSA) offers, you’re telling on yourself and your level of maturity, or immaturity, when you make such proclamations. If you just want fun with a woman, to “see where it goes,” you don’t have or want baggage, etc., etc., you need to do what a woman asks of you and be honest about your intent. If you want a woman to energetically engage with you, you better check yourself if you feel entitled to that energy without putting in any kind of work or courtship in return. You need to overcome your ego and consider the woman’s needs.
Because guess what? If you want a woman’s time, attention, and energy, it behooves you to earn it. To the older men on dating apps who seek a woman to see him for “no drama” and who are “not looking for a relationship but you never know where things may lead,” note that you are not being clever or smooth but rather showing your ego and lack of mindfulness. That you’re in your 40s with no kids and no wife or ex-wives is not necessarily the humblebrag you think it is. Let’s not reduce ourselves to the cult of superficial toxic positivity, or to the cult of rugged individualism.
If you’re looking for a connection with a woman who values herself, who is confident and happy with herself as she is, and who would add to your life in whatever manner(s), you as a man should work on establishing some kind of connection and sense of rapport before delving into your fantasies and requests from her. If you’re actually looking to make a connection in person, period, show some mindfulness.
When women are less accorded basic decency than men, when our energy and time is less systematically valued, and especially when you are seeking some kind of light-hearted connection, at least to start, you as a man gain everything by being radically authentic and generous rather than deceitful and playing the “nice guy” who’s nice because he not-so-secretly really just wants to get in your pants.
It shouldn’t have to be said that no one is entitled to anyone’s time or energy, yet here we are. Men get upset and argue that respect is earned, not given, but when a woman stands up to assert her self-respect and her boundaries, these same men are up in arms that a woman has decided to not make herself, her time, or her attention available to him.
So, dear men: rather than leading with a trite phrase like “no drama,” be clear about your energy, be mindful of a woman’s needs and wants, and show authenticity rather than subterfuge. You may be surprised at how far a combination of authenticity and generosity can get you.
To the men who fully wish to keep their peace, maybe continue to explore life being single and take the time for self-reflection, for repairing your relationship with yourself. Passion and intimacy come with drama — see, for instance, the root of the word passion; it comes from the Latin to suffer.
So let us instead approach relationships with full vulnerability, openness, and maturity — with the willingness to grow and take on whatever drama the intimacy entails for the price of love, lust, and passion.
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