Why It’s Ok to Unapologetically Set Boundaries

When you feel disrespected, you are allowed to set boundaries however you need for yourself.

It doesn’t matter if it’s friends, family, lovers — not only are you are able to set your boundaries, but it is absolutely your responsibility to set your boundaries. However the form you wish to do so is ok. If it means explaining what the person did that offended you, so be it. If it means cutting someone off, “ghosting them” or taking a break, these options are all acceptable.

It’s important to remember that no one is entitled to your energy. Nor do you owe anyone an explanation.

Women — speaking as one myself — especially are taught to be people-pleasers. But in learning and growing, I’ve come to realize that the ultimate person you are accountable to is yourself. If someone’s actions and/or behaviors did not sit right with you, you are allowed to cut that person off.

A few old lovers continue to write me, refusing to get the message that I am no longer interested in engaging with them. They are not offering me enough — truly, they are not able to reciprocate the kind of access and energy they are expecting. Do I owe them an explanation? Well, perhaps they are reading it here. It’s also really the responsibility of people (and men especially) to take a hint when someone no longer wants to see you or have you involved in their life. Continual follow-ups are intrusive. No one is entitled to anyone else’s energy.

This was someone I’d known for years, but it was never a deep relationship. For him to feel entitled to access my social media pages as well as to expect me to do a journey with mushrooms with him is not only peak entitlement but also downright delusional. I’d already made clear, repeatedly and explicitly, that our chapter together was over, and that I had no interest in engaging.

I also wrote to this former lover, “Your relationship with others can only be as healthy as your relationship with yourself.” He quickly responded that that was precisely why he wanted to do mushrooms with me. Do I owe that to someone who has repeatedly crossed my boundaries? Absolutely not! It’s ok to outgrow someone or diverge paths from them. Do you owe them anything after that? No.

Similarly, a more recent, similarly unavailable lover who continuously has pursued me the past few years, also reached out in hopes of getting together. This was after I had blocked him and explained why I had blocked him in the form of several Medium articles that I’d shared with him after he managed to still get through to me.

His behaviors and attitude toward me had inspired a few pieces, which, ultimately, he professed to find helpful and healing.

I also have to emphasize that actions speak louder than words. Saying you’re sorry and that my writing has helped you means little in reality; it does not negate or undo the hurt, the disrespect, or the wrongs.

My article, Why Do I Trigger Men When I Demand Respect as a Woman?, unsurprisingly triggered a number of men. It led to my follow-up articles, Is It Wrong to Weaponize My Femininity? and Why Is It Harder to Earn Respect as a Woman?

Yet, it seems to me, from the men who continue to read my articles and accuse me of massively stereotyping or negating their struggles as men, and from the behaviors of past lovers who I’ve cut off but who can’t seem to stop pursuing me (without having anything substantial to offer), that many men who systematically benefit from the privileges of patriarchy are determined for any critiques of the unevenness between men and women to fall on deaf ears.

I get it, people need people. And it is easy to cling to past lovers. But if you could never really show up or offer a meaningful relationship, if your baggage and responsibilities preclude you from developing anything substantial, you need to allow your past partner to cut ties. You need to allow people to move on.

And, speaking of moving on, my pandemic move out West is soon going to be a move of the past. I am somewhat loathe to share this here, but it’s already been shared in the previous screenshot text exchange. I came to California with the hopes of having a healthier, easier life, but ultimately, it reminded me of everything I love about New York, where I lived for most of my adult life. I know the YOLO phrase is played out, but it cuts to an important truth; this is our one life, at least in this incarnation, and it is up to us to choose how we live it. Again, this is a fundamental part of why maintaining boundaries is so important: you need to stay true to yourself.

My decision to return to New York was met with skepticism by my aunt here:

This is the kind of toxic relationship that further affirms my yearning to return to New York. I’ve been on a healing journey that has escalated the past few years, and while it has been rejuvenating to be in the calmer surroundings of California, it has also clarified that I can better serve my purpose and help people in New York, which in my heart feels truest to my home for now.

When someone questions if you are trying to escape yourself and doesn’t apologize after you’ve clarified that no, you are actually returning to the roots you’ve set down for almost two decades, it’s ok to not want to engage. When someone does not apologize, or gives the “I’m sorry you feel that way” kind of non-apology, it’s ok to not want to engage. Again, you don’t owe anyone anything, and certainly not when they offend you.

Working on setting and expressing your boundaries is an ongoing endeavor, but as you gain clarity in who you are and what you want, it becomes easier to say no to the people and things that no longer serve you.

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