Work on Making the Changes You Want to See
(Shoreline; photo courtesy of author)
It sounds easy enough, obvious really, but also in some ways impossible when you’re feeling low. When you’re feeling stuck and are facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles, it’s easier to do nothing, to feel sorry for yourself, or to live a life in rebellion and denial.
It is scary to confront the things you don’t like about yourself, your past, and your life, especially when you are caught up in it, when a way out or through seems unthinkable, unimaginable, and simply not feasible. But when there’s a will, there’s a way.
It took me to reach the age of 35 and the milestone of motherhood to begin to make the small and big changes to myself and my life that I wanted to see. I mourn that in my 20’s I let so many insecurities and destructive behaviors run rampant, that I didn’t know how to show up authentically for myself or other people in many ways. It took me years to take responsibility for my life, to understand that I inherently had always been worthy, regardless of any perceived flaws or past behaviors.
And, in not being authentic to myself, in not trusting myself to work toward the spiritual healing I had glimpsed a taste of, I inflicted further traumas on myself. I spun out the years in a haze of destructive behaviors, surviving as I could but suffering as I yearned for something deeper, for more purpose and meaning to my life. I longed for a successful, meaningful career and a romantic connection that would bloom and grow, but these things largely eluded me. But this negative thought loop couldn’t help me find a way out; my victim mindset only led me to more destructive behaviors, as I tried to drink and f@$k the pain away.
Ultimately, what had to change was my view of myself. This included a rhinoplasty I’d wanted since childhood. Physically, I had to make this change to feel better about myself. Extreme changes can be helpful. But cosmetic surgery is no shortcut or guarantee to change how you feel about yourself. It was one small part of the process for me. I also found healing through cannabis and mushrooms, which helped me understand and inhabit myself more fully and to release old wounds and ways of thinking.
With these substances, I was able to veer away from my dependence on alcohol, I learned how to not make myself small, and I learned how to start doing the work to show up for myself repeatedly. Finally, my life is beginning to resemble what I had envisioned it to be. I am proud to be a mother, living in a community of other families, pursuing my writing and my healing work, and being true to my beliefs and my sense of purpose. There is still a long journey ahead for me in terms of realizing my goals, but the important thing is that now those goals are becoming clarified for me and I am putting the work in to achieve them.
The hints were there for me for many years; only once I began to work more seriously to piece them together did my sense of purpose further crystallize; and only then did I venture to work toward making the changes I wanted to see. I had always sought healing and yet resisted for so long the possibility that I could find such healing.
Some of our paths may be unclear; and sometimes each of our paths may need clearing. Sometime you need to learn how not viable or ill-advised a certain path is. And not only finding, but also walking the best path for yourself can be extremely overwhelming and challenging. But I’ve learned from my journey that once you do the things you need to do in order to believe in yourself, you are half-way there.
Finding self-belief, self-compassion, and self-love is critical. These, along with humility and gratitude, will help you accept where you are in your journey while also continuing to make the changes you want to see.
