Why People Really Play Hard to Get

Love games may be more about attachment styles than romance

It’s in the plot of just about every romantic movie ever made: Someone is interested in another person, that person plays hard to get, and then after a time of push and pull, they get together and ride off into the silver screen sunset.

To some degree, this plot point is so ubiquitous because it’s true to what occurs in real life — and playing hard to get can be a successful strategy for starting a relationship. However, researcher Omri Gillath says there may be more than meets the eye when it comes to playing these love games.

“The person who’s more desperate is likely to have less control and less power and likely to pursue more.”

“We’re not saying it’s good or it’s bad, but for some people these strategies are working,” Gillath said. “It helps people create relationships and get partners they want. But who’s doing it and what are the outcomes? These people are usually insecure people — and their relationships are often ones that won’t last long or will be dissatisfying.”

In fact, according to Gillath, for some people, playing hard to get is much more about how they feel about themselves than how they feel about their prospective partners.

“Sometimes, it’s not so much about the relationship but about helping people to stay in control,” said Gillath. “Some people are behaving in such a way because they’re terrified. They can’t trust anyone — and they’re doing whatever they can to protect themselves from getting hurt again. So, for them, it’s not ‘playing.’ This is not a game for them but a way to protect themselves and to verify people out there are serious and are going to be reliable mates.”

To come to this conclusion, Gillath and his colleague, Jeffery Bowen, conducted a series of studies about the connection between playing hard to get and attachment styles. Their research, which was published in Personality and Individual Differences, found that people who had an avoidant attachment style were more likely to play hard to get, and people with an anxious attachment style were more likely to pursue partners who play these games. In addition, although many of the 900 study participants reported that they engaged in these behaviors for relationship purposes, others revealed they were doing it for control and self-protection.

“Some people are behaving in such a way because they’re terrified.”

Gillath says it’s important to keep in mind that hard to get type behaviors are not only seen in romantic relationships, so the control and self-protection motives can be found in other interpersonal relationship contexts.

“Any relationship where we have two sides involved is going to have some push and pull,” Gillath explained. “There are relationships where one side wants it more and the other side wants it less. The side that is less invested has more power. If you really need my friendship and I have other friends, I’m going to have more power and control in the friendship and could potentially play hard to get. The person who’s more desperate is likely to have less control and less power and likely to pursue more.”

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Source:

Study asks who’s playing ‘hard-to-get’ and who’s attracted by the ploy. University of Kansas. https://news.ku.edu/2020/06/25/study-asks-whos-playing-hard-get-and-whos-attracted-ploy