Quickie: Great Date, Bad Mate

Why social chameleons make bad romantic partners

Have you ever been with someone who seems absolutely perfect on a first date, but once you get into a relationship with them, you discover they are horrible relationship material? According to Northwestern University communication studies professor Michael E. Roloff, this is because you may be dating people who carefully monitor their behavior and tend to avoid presenting their true personalities — even with romantic partners. Although these people are not necessarily intending to be deceptive with their love interests, they are more likely to avoid anything that threatens their public face, including the self-disclosure needed to foster intimacy.

“They appear to have an outlook and way of achieving their goals…that prevents them from being particularly happy or loyal in their romantic relationships.”

“High self-monitors are social chameleons. And because they’re quick to pick up on social cues, are socially adept and unlikely to say things upsetting to others, they are generally well-liked and sought after,” said Roloff. “It’s not that high self-monitors are intentionally deceptive or evil. They appear to have an outlook and way of achieving their goals that makes them attractive to us socially, but that prevents them from being particularly happy or loyal in their romantic relationships.”

On the other hand, Roloff’s findings, which were published in Communication Reports, state that those who are low self-monitors, and somewhat socially awkward, are actually better in relationships because they may present themselves in a more genuine, intimate way. This group of people, however, can be difficult to be involved with because their lack of social editing often results in hurt feelings.

According to Roloff, it’s unlikely that you’re going to encounter a potential partner who is entirely at one end of the social chameleon spectrum or the other, since most of us have high and low self-monitoring tendencies in our personality.

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Source:

Leopold, W. (2008, February 19). Is Your Partner Happy? It May Be Hard to Know. Northwestern University. https://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2008/02/roloff.html