Why I Write About Sex

My sexuality is a part of who I am, as a woman and as a writer

Sex is a hot topic, in more ways than one. It’s one of the great joys in life, but people have differing opinions about who, where, why, and how often we should be talking (or writing) about it. I fall squarely into the camp of talking about it often and with gusto.

This week, I read Michelle Monet’s piece, I Just Don’t Wanna Write or Read About Sex. I certainly don’t think anyone should read about sex, or write about it, if it doesn’t make them happy. Still, her words inspired me to consider all of the reasons I writing about sex is so important to me.

Sexuality is part of humanity.

Sexuality is a part of who we are as human beings, yet one of the most taboo subjects to talk about. Our culture teaches us from the moment we’re born and start using silly pet names to refer to our genitals that it’s not something we talk about earnestly or in polite company.

I write about sex to try and normalize it. Our culture is incredibly negative about sex in general, and I want to do my part to change that. We shouldn’t be raising our children to feel like something natural is abnormal or shameful.

It’s no secret that the sexual education that we provide to children in this country is severely lacking. It’s ridiculous that something that is so integral to so many people in so many different ways is swept under the carpet. This is part of being human, and being human is not something we should be afraid to discuss.

Alone-ness is one of the hardest feelings.

I have experienced periods in my life of profound isolation, not knowing anyone who had been through what I was going through. Being alone is terrifying, and writing about sex is just one way I reach out into the world with the goal of helping others feel less alone.

Everyone has hidden parts, thoughts, feelings, and places inside them they are afraid to let into the light. I have worked hard to learn how not to be afraid, and I want that for other people as well. In The Art of Opening Up, I wrote:

I’m ready to open doors, to do anything I can to help other people find the courage to open the doors they’ve always longed to walk through but were too scared to go through alone. Protecting some image people have of me seems so much less important now than advocating for things I whole-heartedly believe in.

I write about sex because of all the things I found when exploring in my sex life led me straight into the local dungeon. There, I found community, consent, body positivity, and acceptance. I had my mind opened, and realized that I felt things I never expected, and that I wasn’t alone in feeling them.

And if you’re not into that? That’s totally okay too- you’re still not alone! As Shannon Ashley said in her piece, You’re Not Boring If You Want Vanilla Sex:

But sexual freedom isn’t about pushing the envelope and talking up kinky sex as the norm. It’s about freedom for every body. Freedom needs to be the status quo, not kink.

Education is severely lacking.

In science classrooms around the country, we learn about how our organs work. They teach us about how to keep our hearts healthy, our bodies in working order, and how our internal systems work. Somehow, in all of this, they still aren’t teaching how a period works, what the female sex organs actually look like (cliteracy is important!), or how to have safer sex.

I want to normalize bodies and sex for my kids, and help other parents do the same. I want them to understand that as they grow, they are going to start to feel things, and have urges, and give them tools to handle it. I want to teach them about how to be safe and what it might feel like to know that you are ready to take those physical steps with someone else.

Part of our job as parents is to navigate the way we talk to and teach our children about sex, consent, and their physical and emotional feelings. I write about sex and sex-positive parenting to help other parents who want to break the cycle of shame and misinformation they grew up with.

Shame has no place in the bedroom.

Well, unless you’re into that kind of thing. I am not ashamed about these things that make me happy. I write about sex partly because I enjoy it, and I want to share that joy with other people who feel the same way.

People, especially women, are told from an early age that reveling in their pleasure is something to be humiliated by. That it’s not ladylike, it’s not polite, that our bodies are temptation for men and we should do everything we can to mitigate that. Nobody should be ashamed by the things that make them human, that contribute to the beautiful prism of aspects that make up a personality.

Strong experiences fuel creativity.

Sexual encounters can be some of the strongest, most intense, most beautiful or darkest experiences we have as human beings. Some of the pieces I’ve written that have felt the most personal, intimate, and raw, that have captured the moments I’ve lived, have been about topics relating to sexuality.

I write about sex because orgasm is a word, but there are thousands more words about what an orgasm feels like, what it means, where it takes us. Because sexual connection takes us on journeys we have no map for, and where discovery is part of the adventure. We relate to others most strongly through shared experiences, and most readily through the ones that left big impressions on our hearts. I write to connect, so it only makes sense to write about these things.

Women are not viewed as inherently sexual.

Despite the fact that our culture is really good at objectifying women, it is not accepting of the fact that women can be sexual beings in their own right. I write to add my voice to the chorus of strong, feminist women who are here to demand better for the girls who come after us.

I write about sex because even when women are viewed as sexually powerful, fat women are not. Existing in this world as a fat woman is challenging, and one other area where I want people to feel less alone. So, I write about what it’s like to have sex with people like me. I am here for changing the narrative and correcting sexist, outdated ideas about sexuality.

Creating cultural change must include sex.

The sex positive movement is important to me. It’s supportive of the elimination of slut-shaming, the promotion of consent culture and education, the fostering of open-ness, and the embrace of our right to experience all those things we are curious about.

Sometimes, I find it mind-blowing that our society is so ingrained with rape culture. Writing about sex, sexuality, and consent is one of the ways I work to break it down, bit by bit.

Sex has helped me heal.

Exploring my sexuality has been a huge part of the healing process for me in coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship. When you get married to the first person you slept with and go through your twenties with them, you never get to know yourself as a person. The uncoupling process involved a lot of self-discovery and personal growth for me, and sex was a huge part of that.

I write about sex because there was a time in my life where I did not know who I was, I didn’t know how to find my way back to happiness or to being human again. Sex helped me revive my humanity, to figure out who I am and why life is worth living. Sex helped me discover joy, self-worth, and power in ways other things didn’t.

Sexual health is a part of mental health.

Sex, sexuality, and human connection are an integral part of staying mentally healthy for a lot of people. We can’t talk about relationship health without talking about physical intimacy and identifying our needs. So many things in life can affect our sex lives: job changes, mental illness, medication, and having children. I use the knowledge I’ve gained to try and help people who are experiencing the same difficulties navigate them successfully. For instance, how do you have a sex life when you’ve got kids?

In her article, Michelle wrote:

I don’t choose to spend my precious time on that stuff. I only have limited time in my day.

I’d prefer to read and write about other topics on Medium like:

Personal growth Mental health Creativity and creative energy Humor/Comedy pieces Social Issues Aging Spirituality and mindfulness Poetry

I’m just more attracted to these kinds of topics.

Zara Zareen wrote that “Writing about sex is both art and education.” I agree, it’s both those things and so much more. I would argue that stories about sex often fall under each of those listed topics. None of these categories are mutually exclusive, and much like our jobs, our families, our friendships, and our daily activities, sex is something that affects us in all of them.

Stories about sex are human interest stories. There is a reason that books and articles about sex make money. It’s because people are hungry for the reinforcement that the things they feel and experience are not abnormal or shameful. They can be stories about healing from trauma, nurturing mental health and spirituality, connecting with our physical bodies, personal growth, and sometimes even humor. My sexuality is a part of who I am, not just as a woman, but as a writer.

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