You’re Not Boring If You Want Vanilla Sex

Sexual freedom isn’t only for the kinksters.

In the past, I've written a bit about sexual kinks and how you're not weird or gross for having them. A reader once read a kink piece and replied that she was pretty damn tired of men who essentially expect a sexual Cirque du Soleil as they ram their preferences down her throat. To be fair, I felt she made a valid point. We should all have the freedom to explore our kinks without shame. But we shouldn't demand kink from others either.

I am a proponent for a positive sex education because I know firsthand what the alternative can do. That means I am big on the freedom to explore one’s own sexuality. But sexual freedom isn’t about pushing the envelope and talking up kinky sex as the norm. It’s about freedom for every body. Freedom needs to be the status quo, not kink.

Everyone deserves the freedom to explore their sexuality without shame.

When it comes to sexual preferences, there’s no type that’s better than the rest. We all have a right to determine the type of sexual activity that’s right for us. As individuals.

Healthy sex is not without its boundaries, like consent, age, STD prevention, and emotional readiness. But within those boundaries that do exist, how we experience sex is pretty much limitless.

You have a right to land wherever you land on the sexual spectrum. It’s all meant to be fluid and not rigid. Vanilla folks, please don’t be discouraged. You have every right to your preferences, and no, you are not boring just because you don’t consider yourself into kinky sex.

Plenty of self-proclaimed kinksters are all bark and no bite.

In my experience, there’s a pretty large faction of folks who say they’re all about the BDSM lifestyle simply because they think that’s what other people want them to be. Too many people have gotten a taste of Fifty Shades, and unfortunately they believe that’s what good sex looks like, despite the fact that in real life such fiction crosses healthy boundaries.

Just like Fifty Shades of Grey is a terribly inaccurate reflection of BDSM, there are plenty of people out there giving kink a bad name. That means there are a lot of uncomfortable first times among people who think they have to embrace an often shoddy understanding of kink just to be sexy.

Which, of course, is not sexy at all.

Few things are more awkward than one person trying to push another into any type of sex.

I’d even say it’s boring if it wasn’t so damn criminal. You can’t force good sex — however you define it. Pressuring someone into having sex your way when you know they really aren’t into it? That’s not sexy at all.

None of us should feel pressured by a partner to perform a certain way and therefore force ourselves to behave more kinky than we would like.

The best sex allows us to express ourselves sexually however we see fit — again with the assumption that we are respecting healthy boundaries for ourselves and others.

Both “boring” and “vanilla” are in the eye of the eye of the beholder.

It should be no secret that we all have different sexual tastes, just like we all prefer different foods. It’s your prerogative to change your mind about what you really enjoy and what you’d like to skip.

In the context of relationships and any kind of sex with other people, perhaps the hardest part is being honest with ourselves and others when our likes and dislikes conflict. But keep in mind there’s no one definition of vanilla and we all can look at it in different ways.

Also, it’s perfectly natural for different partners to bring out different sides of you and vice versa. You don’t need to feel guilty about any of that, you only need to go into sex with an honest and respectful mindset.

Sex is supposed to feel good for all parties.

As soon as any person starts feeling pressured or uncomfortable, the party is over. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been a lot of dialogue about how to handle pressure in bed, so many of us have found ourselves miserably going with the flow and counting the minutes until it’s over.

That’s not good or even successful sex. Nobody should have to settle for that. Don’t settle for a sexual partner who isn’t genuinely interested in a satisfying experience for all.

If it doesn’t feel good, stop. And if a partner stops to tell you it doesn’t feel right for them, don’t throw a tantrum or simply attempt to force your hand. Good sex is at least as much listening as it is doing.

Sometimes “vanilla” is little more than an excuse for one party to be abusive.

It’s very easy for somebody to cry foul whenever they don’t get their way. Just like someone might call you a "snowflake" to both insult you and shut a conversation down, they might call you vanilla too.

Let them call you vanilla. Let them complain. Don’t give in to a person who calls you names in an effort to control you.

I've written a lot about how good sex often requires some compromise, but we do have to watch out for those who would only make one-party compromise s— and all for their own benefit.

Nobody but you can determine what kind of sex is right for you.

Plenty of people lead perfectly fulfilling sex lives despite being — gasp! — vanilla. You’re not a prude to discover you prefer certain sexual positions, that you don’t like sex toys, or that you do like anything that somebody else labels vanilla.

What matters most is that you and your sexual partner are satisfied with your team efforts. And if there happens to be unhappy disparity, it’s also okay to admit it if it winds up meaning that you’re not sexually compatible.

Part of practicing safe sex isn’t just about STD prevention. You also have to protect your voice. Quit saying yes because you feel like you can’t say no. Don’t let someone belittle you for appreciating different things. Sex can come with a lot of pressure, and you have a right to protect yourself from that coercion.

Vanilla is pretty damn delicious.

Quit worrying about who thinks you’re vanilla. There are plenty of people in the world who prefer it over anything else. Find yourself a partner with whom there’s mutual attraction and compatibility in the ways that matter most to you.

Find a partner who makes it easy to simply be you.

Keep in mind that sexual freedom isn’t reserved for those into certain antics, sexual freedom is for you too. By all means, be gentle and enjoy yourself in whatever you do.

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