What It Really Means to Be Daddy’s Girl
Exploring pleasure and healing through power exchange
Of all the surprising things I’ve discovered on my exploratory journey into my sexuality and kink, my penchant for Daddy/girl power exchange is one of the least expected. It’s also one of the things I haven’t talked about much. It’s easier to open up to ‘vanilla’ folks about floggers, spankings, or rope bondage than it is to delve into the more misunderstood corners of kink.
When I met the man I’d come to call Daddy, the attraction was immediate. The magnetism between us was unlike anything I’d felt before. Our PG emails quickly gave way to questions about FetLife and non-monogamy, and we started to discuss BDSM and kink. He was already involved in the local community, and his interest in helping me explore that side of myself was one of the foundational blocks of our relationship.
We negotiated, but it didn’t feel like negotiations or work. On a sunny June morning, we met in person for the first time, sharing breakfast on the patio of a local cafe and walking in the park. On a bench facing the water, I had to consciously stop myself from touching him.
I’d been in a phase of discovering my confidence and taking what I wanted, yet somehow with him I was too shy to initiate anything. There was something about him, quiet, strong, commanding, that made me want to wait for him to ask me. I started to submit to him before I even set foot in his apartment for our second meeting. He surprised me, his presence strong and quietly dominating. It felt incredibly natural to fall into a Dominant/submissive (D/s) dynamic with him. It felt right.
Why Daddy?
Before long, it was time to figure out what I would call him in the context of our D/s relationship. The most common titles in the BDSM world are Master, Sir, and Daddy. I knew immediately that Master didn’t feel right for the connection we were building. Sir was closer, but not quite right either. Both felt too stiff, too formal, too hard for what was developing.
I had almost no experience with the Daddy/girl (D/g) dynamic, aside from limited role-playing with a boyfriend over texts and phone calls. I knew I felt safe with him, protected, but at first the idea of calling someone Daddy felt strange. In the past, I’d been judgmental of using Daddy in the context of a sexual or romantic relationship. I was sure it wasn’t something I’d never do, it would just be too weird.
Yet there I was, drawn to it. Daddy. The person who would watch over me, look out for me, and set me straight when I’d lost my way. It flowed from my tongue more easily when I felt bashful, unsure, or inexperienced, and he made me feel all of those things.
I started out in texts and emails, calling him Daddy and signing off as his little girl. He called me his sweetheart or good girl. At first, I was very shy about calling him Daddy out loud, but the more I did, the easier it became.
Doesn’t calling him ‘Daddy’ remind you of your father?
In a word, no. For one thing, I have never in my life called my father Daddy. I called my parents by their first names until high school, and then switched to Mom and Dad. Even if I’d called him that as a small child, that was decades ago.
People love nicknames and pet names. ‘Baby’ is used as a term of endearment all the time, and no one asks “doesn’t that remind you of an actual baby?” Sweetheart, honey, my girl, babe, papi, pretty momma, and baby are all commonly used in the context of romantic relationships, and this isn’t all that different.
Calling your partner ‘Daddy’ has nothing to do with visualizing your literal father. Power exchange relationships often emulate a power dynamic, whether it’s a ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’ or a ‘Daddy.’ A D/g dynamic is a type of D/s relationship that typically emulates the power dynamic between a nurturing but stern man, and a sometimes-rebellious, often younger girl who needs guidance.
Each set of labels used by kinksters practicing power exchange captures unique nuances about the dynamic they’ve chosen. Using ‘Daddy’ on the dominant side of the equation implies that the Dominant takes care of the submissive, acting as a provider who gives guidance to an innocent. Other titles have their own nuances.
Being a submissive little girl came easily to me.
I consider myself more of a middle than a little. Littles and middles come in all ages, from babygirls who enjoy binkies and adult-sized-cribs to people like me, who identify more in the realm of a bubble-gum teenager. This type of role play is perfect for letting your inner child out to be nurtured and taken care of by someone who enjoys a caregiver role.
Age play kinks have nothing to do with incest or with pedophilia. When we build these relationships, we are not craving a sexual relationship with one of our actual parents. From age play to pet play to mistress/teacher or boss/subordinate, roleplaying is about escape; it’s a big, amazing game of pretend, grown-up style. Being in little space is about going into the head space and safety of a careless life away from the responsibility-laden adult world.
As time passed, we settled comfortably into our D/g dynamic. We’ve experienced some growing pains as our relationship progressed and we took on parenting and running a household together. We’re still finding our way to a balance between everything that’s changed and our existing D/s relationship. I still have rules that I follow, and he has become more than just my Daddy, he’s my owner and protector. I wear his collar at home, or a rope or charm bracelet at work and in public.
I’m not little all the time, and sometimes it’s hard to get there without a lot of intention. Rather than a totally alternate personality, it’s more an aspect of myself that shows through more at some times than others; for example if I’m stressed at work and my kids are being needy, it gets pushed down.
I like being cute, and I got excited when my hair got long enough for pigtails and bows, and love unicorns and sparkles and ruffles. When I’m feeling tired, sad, or vulnerable, I feel more little. I feel like I need to be taken care of, to be sheltered a bit more from the world. It’s nice to know I can send a text that says, I’m feeling little. And he gets it.
When I’m in little space, things can be playful, with tickling and teasing each other, or nurturing and soft. She also comes out when I get into trouble, and need my behavior corrected. When we move into things that are more physically intense, like rope or impact play, my little doesn’t show herself as much.
Why are you telling us this?
The sex-positive movement is important to me. Working towards a culture where sexuality and sexual expression are not swept under the carpet is imperative. I’d like to leave this world a better place than I found it, for my kids and their kids, and using my voice is one of the simpler ways to be able to do that.
Not everyone is in a place where they’re able to talk about these things out loud, and I want to lend my voice to those people. By sharing my knowledge and experiences, I hope to contribute to a better understanding of things that people misunderstand and look down upon.
Being sex-positive is also a feminist issue. Men are still seen as conquistadors for exploring sexually, while women are labeled sluts. If I share that I’ve slept with 50 people, it’s more shocking and reviled than if a man says the same thing. In her article, My Daddy Fetish Has Nothing to do With My Father, Emma Austin said:
Men don’t have these same issues. The fetishization of MILFs has full-blown cultural currency, right down to hit pop songs. It’s seen as an entirely ordinary manifestation of male desire and no one ever worries that confessing to a MILF fetish will be tantamount to admitting to some oedipal complex.
The fact that people still look on the daddy fetish with suspicion just shows that we still have a long way to go to normalizing women’s sexual desires. We need a broader, more open conversation about what we really want (and not just fantasies of Fabios on horseback — the pervy stuff, too).
Sex and sexuality carry so much shame, misunderstanding, and stigma in our culture. The only way that we are going to change that is by talking about it, and normalizing all the types of relationships that people have. Everyone deserves love and the opportunity to explore the things that make them happy, as Emma said, even the pervy stuff! What are we here for if not to live in joy?
My Daddy/girl dynamic has helped me heal from trauma.
For five years before I found my relationship, I felt unloved and unworthy. I became invisible. The one person in my life who was supposed to be there for me, to hold me when I cried, to support me, to help me when I was trying to better myself, to love me and generally take care of me when I was in need was not there for me. He was another person in my life I was responsible for taking care of, without the type of reciprocity a healthy relationship provides. I lost myself, and I needed someone to help me find me again.
Sometimes, the universe drops just what we need right in front of us. At the end of a first meeting, you already feel that it’s important. That click can happen with friends or with lovers, the hint of something bigger to come. We filled a spot in each other’s lives that needed just the right piece. Our relationship has been a gift in many ways from the very beginning.
Being little with him means I’ve been able to figure out how to be vulnerable again in a safe place. It means I never have to be anybody but who I am. It provides one place (at times the only place) in my life where I don’t have to be the one taking care of everything.
When Daddy tells me what to do, I don’t have to think about it, I just have to do it. He treats me like a princess, because he is a gentleman. He makes me feel special, and reminds me that I am worth loving and worth wanting. I get to embrace every part of myself, share hidden parts with someone who receives them appreciatively. He recognizes the value of my submission, of trusting him to have power over me.
Life works in mysterious ways. If you had told me five years ago that I’d attend a Christmas party in a pair of zebra footie pajamas with a chain around my neck, I’d have called you crazy. If you’d said I would curl up in my lover’s lap, call him Daddy, and watch TV while he fed me candy, I’d have laughed in your face. And yet, here we are. And I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
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