Lessons from the Dungeon

Ten amazing things I learned visiting and volunteering at a sex-positive club.

From the outside, my local sex-positive center didn’t look like much more than a warehouse, but the first thing I saw inside were friendly, welcoming faces. I was nervous walking in that night almost five years ago, and I couldn’t have imagined the depth of the experiences I’d have there in the years that followed. I never expected a dungeon to be so full of magic and community. I didn’t know it then, but I met my best friend that night, and made connections that became permanent in my life.

I no longer feel disbelief about the things I’ve discovered about myself or the experiences I’ve had. Since the end of my marriage, I’ve blossomed and wilted. With each new bloom period I feel myself become fuller, more complex, stronger, and more vibrant. With opening up about all the parts of myself, I feel a prolific joy. These are not all the things I learned at the Bellingham Sex-Positive Center, but some of the most important.

Kinky People are Just People

Kinky people come in all shapes, sizes, genders, sexualities, colors, and ages. The people I’ve met have come from all walks of life, they have been parents, students, professionals, and artists. They are able-bodied and differently abled, married and single, polyamorous and monogamous. There is no stereotypical kinky person. Someone in the same building as you right now is probably kinky.

Despite the myriad of differences, there is something almost all have had in common: a willingness to learn and grow, a sense of community, and a general open-heartedness.

What True Consent Culture Looks Like

Consent goes far beyond sex. At the BSPC, it isn’t unusual for a friend who has known you for years to still ask if it’s okay before hugging you. I have never been in a space before where I felt such complete control and choice over when and how I was touched by other humans.

Learning about consent through conversation is helpful, but being in an environment where consent culture is really valued has shown me just how ingrained some things were in me. Six years ago if my friend had told me about the guy at work who “accidentally” brushes her arm or walks a bit too close in the supply room, I would have thought it was cute or flirty, or at worst annoying. Now I get riled up because that’s our culture: girls and women learn that it’s just part of life.

I have experienced the empowerment that comes with being given true and complete body autonomy, in a place where people ask if they can hug you, ask if they can touch you to demonstrate something they’re talking about or to adjust the tag on your shirt. I am more conscious of how I move my body, of how and when I touch people. I see the harm now in conditioning my children to let a relative hug them and kiss their cheek when they don’t feel comfortable. I focus on educating them about their body, their choice instead.

Kink Isn’t Just About Sex

When I mention BDSM or kink parties, most vanilla minds jump immediately to sex. Often, wild, crazy, chaotic, or painful sex. You might be surprised to learn that kink isn’t just about sex.

Sex and sexuality are at the center of kinky activities for some people. My experiences in kink so far have been largely with partners with whom I’m also sexually involved. The few experiences I’ve had with people I wasn’t in any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with were very different, and quite interesting.

People practice BDSM and kink for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it’s a way they enjoy connecting with friends, or for pure enjoyment. Other times, kinksters are seeking a release or catharsis — a good impact session really can feel like therapy. The sense of accomplishment and pride at challenging oneself and pushing your own limits can be another reason people enjoy kink play.

You Don’t Have to Be Rich to Get Kinky

If Fifty Shades of Grey got one thing right, it was Christian Grey’s drool-worthy secret room. I know I wasn’t the only closeted kinkster in that theater lusting after the rich decor, expensive looking equipment, and plethora of mean-but-fun implements. That’s the fantasy, but in reality you don’t have to be well off to have some kinky fun.

Almost anything can be turned into a kinky toy! You see a pants hanger? I see nipple clamps! A spatula from the kitchen? That’s a paddle! PEX pipes? Those are impact toys! It goes on and on, and one day you too may find yourself climaxing from someone dragging a cluster of plastic fake grapes across your nipples.

There’s Strength in Letting Go

When faced with the conundrum of strong women who enjoy submissive play, many people experience some level of cognitive dissonance. For strong, powerful people, part of the relief and fun of power exchange is being able to completely let go of the pressure of the world.

For people (like me) who have experienced relationships where they’ve had their power taken away from them, submitting can can be extremely powerful. Why? Because there is a world of difference between having your power taken from you and offering it willingly to someone you trust and who appreciates the gift.

Sometimes the most strength comes from giving up the struggle and letting someone push you until you release your fears,worries, and negative thoughts to tears, screaming, and pain. When it’s all over, when you’ve survived and are readily handed your power back, that’s when you know you really can take the world on, head on.

How to Believe in Myself

Being involved in the alternative/kink community has helped me to restore my self-worth. I have a habit of discounting myself. Even in 2019, women are conditioned not to be proud, but humble. I often feel surprised when people I perceive as cool or amazing actually consider me a friend. When I first started volunteering at the BSPC, I felt like a nerd at the cool kids table. A part of me believed my partner when he told me the people there really liked me, but I still had doubts that I fit in.

Accepting that people had confidence in me, or that people genuinely liked me and weren’t just being nice to me because they liked him wasn’t easy. I feel incredibly blessed to be friends with the amazing people I’ve worked with and befriended since arriving in kinktopia. Seeing myself through their eyes has helped me give myself credit for being someone who is worth spending time with, and worth believing in.

What a Truly Body Positive Space Feels Like

Nothing in my life has done as much for my self-image and body-positivity as spending time in dungeons. Before the BSPC, I never could have imagined stripping down to my bare skin in front of friends and strangers alike, and feeling good about myself.

I have seen fat bodies, thin bodies, young bodies, and old bodies, tight and fit bodies and differently abled bodies, hairy bodies and scarred bodies. In the safe spaces created by sex positive organizations and kinky people, when I have seen eyes on bodies, they have always been eyes of appreciation. There is a respect for the human form and for the things it can accomplish that I haven’t found anywhere else in my life.

In a recent article, Emily Torockio said:

Representation is not turning on the TV and seeing someone who “looks like you”. It is not the showcasing of one part of your identity (in this case, race) but, conversely, the lessening of the importance of that one part of your identity. To see your race become only one facet of you, to see your race become so normalized that there is room for you to be something else. To be everything else. I read an interview with Ali Wong and Randall Park after seeing the film in which they summed it up perfectly: that by populating a film with a bunch of Asians, they made it so no one was “the Asian one,” which is all most of them had ever been in American movies and TV shows. They got to be the jerk, and the artist, and the lost one and the insecure one and the funny one. They got to be human.

This is how I felt at the BSPC, like I was finally feeling the privilege of not being the fat one in the room, but being as worthy of appreciation, touch, fun, pleasure, and love as everyone else.

Acceptance Doesn’t Require Understanding

There’s a clumsy but important saying in the kink world: your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay. Sometimes, it’s shortened to just ‘not my kink’ or ‘nmk.’ It’s essentially the BDSM equivalent of not yucking other people’s yums, something many of us learned in kindergarten but then subsequently forgot.

Being empathetic doesn’t require having had the same life experiences as someone else, and accepting someone doesn’t require understanding why they do what they do. I have seen people do a lot of things that I’m about 102% sure I never, ever want to try. But I accept them, and applaud them for embracing the things that make them happy. Respecting the work that’s gone into a scene or appreciating a type of kinky play doesn’t have to mean understanding why someone wants to it. You don’t have to understand someone’s kinks to offer them acceptance. Face it, we’re all weirdos in one way or another.

Watching People Blossom is One of the Best Experiences in Life

During my time as a leader, volunteer, and community member at the BSPC, I had the absolute privilege of watching people blossom into their true selves. I’ve seen what happens when people who have never had a safe space before come into a welcoming community.

I watched women born with male parts come in the door unsure, keeping the clothes they had never been able to wear in a locker for safekeeping. I watched what happens to someone’s personality and confidence when they finally get to be called by the name they feel inside. I saw what it really means when people finally believe you when you tell them who you are, and respect the things deep down that make you who they are.

I can’t imagine anything more beautiful than that acceptance. Being a part of providing a safe space where people could be themselves without reservation was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done.

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