How to Have a Sex Life When You Have Kids
Becoming a parent doesn’t have to extinguish the flame
I was lucky enough never to have had the misfortune to walk in on my parents during sex. I do have one specific memory of a time when I was about 16 and realized that my parents had just done the deed. As kids, thinking about our parents getting it on was enough to make us run wide-eyed from the room. Now that I’m the parent, I realize how much having children can complicate having an active sex life.
My kids are 9 and 13, so there’s no more nookie when the kids are napping. Having a fulfilling sex life when you’ve got a family to manage is challenging. With one or both parents often exhausted at day’s end, it’s common to let too much time slip by without finding moments to really connect. Over the years I’ve picked up some tricks that make having an active sex life a little bit easier.
Get a lock.
Having sex with kids in the house and no lock means a part of your brain is ALWAYS listening and anticipating the opening of your bedroom door. It’s hard to lose yourself in a moment when you’re using brainpower to fear the end of the moment. Installing a new doorknob is insanely easy, and probably the best step you can take in rebuilding your sex life once your kids are big enough to open doors.
Make out like teenagers.
Maintaining an intimate relationship doesn’t always have to be about intercourse. Too tired for a full on romp in the sheets? How about just some heavy petting? Removing the expectation of physical escalation can lead to stress-free, amazing connection time. Most of us experienced a time in life when kissing was the most exciting thing in the world and making out for an hour or more was just about the best way to spend our time. Don’t be afraid to go back.
When is the last time you gave your partner more than a peck? That you really let yourself explore and go deep into that kiss? Bonus: if you get interrupted before you things a chance to move any further, you can consider it an appetizer that builds anticipation for the next time.
Take advantage of the quiet moments.
You wake up at 4 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and when you climb back into bed, your partner rolls over sleepily to cuddle up next to you. Taking advantage of these small moments is so worth the extra cup of coffee you’ll need in the morning. There’s something about being intimate in the small hours of the morning when the house is dark and the world is asleep that makes it feel like you’re in your own little world. Plus, you don’t have to feel guilty about rolling over and going back to sleep afterwards, because it’s not time to be up yet!
Make screen time your sexy time.
We limit screen time in our house to an hour a day, and both kids do it at a scheduled time. Since their time is limited, they’re usually pretty focused on what they’re doing and couldn’t care less what we’re up to. All screen time happens in the common areas, so it’s a great time for us to sneak off to our bedroom.
Giving the kids a few extra minutes once in a while means a little bit more time for us to connect while they’re off in You-Tube or Roblox land. It also means we have a built in time each day where we can make a conscious choice to focus on us.
Sometimes, choose quantity over quality.
Quickies are underrated. I’ll take a five minute fast and dirty romp over nothing any day of the week. It may seem like a short connection, but then you put your pants back on and for the rest of the day/night, you end up exchanging knowing glances and looks that speak volumes about what might happen when you’ve got just a little bit more time. There’s something about a physical reminder of the chemistry you feel, whether you spend five minutes basking in it or an hour, it will affect your day for the better.
Turn limitations into games.
Paper thin walls can feel like a pain in the ass, but they can also make for some really fun challenges. If the kids are in the other room, make the fact that you can’t talk a game. See how it feels when your partner whispers in your ear, “now, don’t make a sound, someone might hear you.” Put your hand over their mouth and give them a look that says “don’t make a peep.” Spice can come from unexpected places — embrace it!
Use regular tasks to sneak in sexy time.
If garbage day is Friday, your kids are probably used to one of you disappearing for a few minutes on Thursday night to sort recycling and take the bins out to the curb. Chores like this create the opportunity to turn something boring your kids don’t want to help with into a little bit of alone time. Tell them you’re helping with the recycling this week, and steal a few minutes to focus on each other.
Think outside the box.
When is the last time you climbed into the shower with your significant other? Bathroom doors almost always lock, and the sound of running water is a great dampener for other noises you might make. Laundry room or office the only room in your house with a lock? Take advantage of it!
Sex in public makes me wary, but sex in the backyard shed when you’re outside “weeding” and “mowing the lawn?” Why not! Sneaking in through the back door after a run and smashing sweaty bodies in the guest bathroom? Delicious.
Get comfortable telling your kids to go away.
It’s a weekend morning and your partner has gotten up with the kids. At the agreed-upon to time, they come in to wake you, and crawl into bed with you. Within seconds, the kids knock on the locked door. “Can I come in?” No, no you can’t. “Why not?”
This was my life last Sunday, and a simple reply of “I’m waking up your mom” sent our nonplussed kids back into the living room to play and read while we shared some quality time. It’s easy to make the kids your center of attention all the time, but in reality they can take care of themselves for a few minutes, especially when they get a bit older. They weren’t upset and didn’t actually need anything, and I felt zero guilt about sending them away.
Learn how to sext.
Waiting until you’re alone to stoke the fire might mean spending most nights cold. Text messages are great because you can send them anytime, anywhere. Remember when you were dating, and didn’t get to see your partner every day? In between, phone calls and text messages would build that anticipation until you couldn’t wait to be touching again.
Sexy selfies and racy messages aren’t just for millennials, they’re for everybody! You’d be surprised at the efficacy of a quick snapshot of your new bra or your butt in those jeans that fit just right snapped & sent from the bathroom at work. Try sending a racy message to your partner from across the room during family game night, and just watch that fire appear in their eyes when they look up at you.
Schedule it.
I know, this sounds unsexy. But hear me out. We all have things we look forward to on a regular basis. I look forward to every other Thursday night, when I know I’ve got a three day weekend ahead. I look forward to the third Wednesday of the month when I get to attend my local polyamory discussion group. People look forward to standing coffee or lunch dates, paydays, the day you they know their monthly subscription box arrives. What if you built in that excited anticipation about sex too?
Knowing that you’ve got some fun, sexy, let-it-loose time coming with your partner can be a great motivator to get through days that are just dragging by. Realistically, as kids get older, calendars get fuller. Work events, school events, family functions, and extracurriculars fill up the calendar. There’s something to be said for applying the same intention you apply to those activities to nurturing an intimate relationship with your partner.
Special, long, luxurious or kinky afternoons in bed are fantastic, but sex doesn’t have to mean a ton of effort and preparation. Sometimes, the most memorable times come when your kid is distracted by YouTube for ten minutes, and your honey bends you over the washing machine and reminds you that they find you just as sexy as the day you met.
Looking back on it now, I’m glad that my parents also took the time to find that connection for themselves, and I hope that I’m giving my kids the sex-positive upbringing that will let them do the same.
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