Justice For Fathers
Why Courts Prefer Mothers Over Fathers?
The Father Was The Better Parent, But The Society Sided With The “Good Enough” Mother.
My friend has recently been through a divorce. He filed for sole custody of the child— he can provide more for the kid, especially emotionally and physically. He has always been a devoted, caring, and loving father.
His ex suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder — she is emotionally abusive towards their child. Since they’ve been in court she has done all in her power to alienate him from the children. For years, he was the primary carer of the children; his ex has a history of substance abuse and has been going from one man to another hoping that someone would provide her with an easy life.
You see, his ex is a very miserable person. She never wanted a child — she wished to entrap a man. My friend still isn’t sure if the kid is his, but it’s now too late to check. What would it change anyway?
He loves his child with all his heart, blood or not.
Twice his ex was homeless and my friend helped her out. Last year he had enough of her behavior which was damaging the child: she was constantly forgetting arrangements, exposing the child to unacceptable behavior, and was highly unreliable.
He decided to propose to have the child full time. At first, she accepted but then she realized that if she does then she won't be receiving any money. So she decided to fight in court.
My friend was devasted as he knew the ugly truth that his ex is a “good enough” mother in the eyes of the court which means that she would likely win. It doesn’t matter that he could provide more, offer more, does more, and that he can encourage a meaningful relationship between the mother and the child.
The mother is good enough and that's all that matters.
He fought anyway as he had to give his child a chance at better than just good enough. His ex fought just to prove a point.
In custody cases, the law should consider what is in the best interest of the child. They have a framework which they should follow when distinguishing who should the child live with. They ask these questions:
Is one parent or the other physically or mentally incapable of caring for the child?
My friend has no mental health issues, nor has he ever suffered from any. On contrary, his ex is diagnosed with multiple conditions and has attempted to take her life on many occasions. The child was harmed on few occasions due to negligence.
My friend asked for psychiatric evaluation — the judge deemed it unnecessary. Her doctor wrote a letter that stated that her conditions are currently managed and that when she is on her medications. His ex forgot to pick up the child from school on countless occasions and the child had to stay home because her mother wasn’t up to facing the world outside.
My friend has never missed the school pick-up nor he was ever late dropping the child off. As long as the child shows once in a while at school the court is satisfied with the mother’s heath.
Do the parents have steady employment? Does one parent make a significantly higher salary than the other?
My friend earns a good salary and he was never out of job. He is highly qualified. The judge noticed that.
The mother has basic education and is barely holding down her employment. She was on few occasions homeless and my friend had to provide for her as her own family disowned her — she has stolen on multiple occasions from them and from him as well.
The judge agreed that my friend can provide more and is a more “capable” parent but the mother is “good enough”. She wasn’t homeless in the last year anyway, and in case something happens he would be able to assist her, right?
They were never married. Their relationship was a hook-up and as soon as he broke up with her she came back suddenly pregnant threatening to kill herself if he doesn’t take her back with the child.
The court might also consider how do the parent's support and encourage the child to have a connection with the other parent?
My friend was unable to reach out to his child because the mother confiscated the phone from the child. On many occasions, my friend had to drive up to his ex and knock on the door, and demand to talk to his child. Her excuse was that the child's phone battery was dead.
My friend was unable to reach the child for 7 days or his ex. When he spoke to his child they told him that the mother hid the phone and doesn’t want the child to speak to him as it makes the mother upset. My friend had witnesses from the child’s school who supported his thesis that the mother is unnecessarily hostile towards him because he broke up with her years ago.
Some women just want to extort their ex-partners, they’ve realized that their ex is earning significantly more and they hope that somehow they would be able to receive some additional child support. Others can just purely think that they “own” the child and the child belongs only to them.
His ex wants to punish him for leaving her and moving on with his life. My friend is married to a wonderful young lady who is a great stepmother and she too has suffered severely because of his malicious ex.
Lastly, the court should think of the quality of life that each parent can provide.
My friend wished to move his child away to a safer town. He picked one of the best schools in the country. The offer he presented was “fantastic”.
The judge didn’t deny that the child would have an amazing experience and better prospects than she currently has but the mother would suffer from separation. What?
Yes, the mother would suffer which may lead to the mother going back to her old ways and perhaps acting out on one of her threats and taking her life. That would then affect the child.
So, because the mother is unable to provide the child with better prospects, unable to encourage contact, pick and drop the child, find general practitioners — the child should stay with the mother and see the father very frequently but on the mother’s terms.
The judge also added that it would not be fair for the mother to be dependant so much on the father. Let me remind you — the mother was homeless on multiple occasions due to her own choice of miserable lifestyle and the father “saved” the mother. So let’s rather keep it that way.
Courts side with mothers. Courts side with “good enough” mothers.
“Good enough” means that the child isn’t exposed to physical harm on a daily basis, that the child misses only once per week the school, the child has pizza every night for dinner, does no extracurricular activities, and sees her father every second weekend.
“Good enough” is want makes our society not so good enough.
We should strive for “better than good enough” then perhaps there would be less of “baby girls having babies. ”
If the mothers would own up to their behavior, accept that perhaps someone else could offer better prospects for their children then they can and if only perhaps they booked their therapies then just maybe their kids would not be 15 and pregnant.
Society sides with the mother — there is a script that the mother is the one who gave you life and you should be grateful. Society believes that mothers love their children and that good mothering is instinctual and if there’s any disruption in the relationship, it must be the children's fault.
The system is faulty.
“Like mother, like daughter…”
Makes no sense — children should strive to be better than their parents and parents should teach them how.
Children who don’t have healthy bonds with their fathers are more likely to engage in aggressive behavior, develop unhealthy relationships with others, and develop psychological problems compared to children who have strong bonds with their fathers.
Children need both parents. If one is more capable — good, then that’s what’s in the child’s best interest.
In the last six months, my friend’s ex has denied him visitation rights on multiple occasions. My friend had to have the police involved. The school has contacted the child services — the mother is unable to take the child to school just as my friend warned the judge.
The mother’s state will continue to deteriorate one way or another and the child will suffer in the end.
Soon, my friend will be back in court. But would he change anything? His child is now nearly 13.
The child already missed the “better” childhood they could have had if only the court deemed that BETTER is in the children’s BEST interests.
If only things were better.
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