MWC Reentry

How Falling In Love With A Single Father, Deepened My Love for My Own Father

To come back, I’ve had to leave first.

I am the youngest child in the family. I always knew how to push the limits on rules with my parents, which my older sisters were unable to. Being the youngest child has given me fewer responsibilities during my teen years and more freedom than my sisters had.

I always knew how to get away with more when it came to my dad.

My parent's marriage wasn’t a happy one, but both remained dedicated parents to me and my sisters, and even though they weren’t together happy as a couple it never stopped them from providing us with a fulfilling childhood. It made no sense why they decided to have me in their late forties.

Recently my father told me that I was “supposed ”to bring back the spark to their marriage, which I didn’t. But I did somehow become my father's favourite daughter. I was the only “planned” child.

My father never compared me to my sisters as my mother did, he always had a way of making me feel important and was appreciative of my differences. I was the “artist” in the family, while my sisters took serious career paths that will less likely result in homelessness, alcohol misuse, and fandom.

When my sisters were cross with my behaviours, they used to tell me that the reason I am different is that I don’t belong to our family — I was supposedly found in the “lost and found” section and my father took mercy on me.

The truth is that my sisters were often cross because our father provided me with more opportunities, more toys, more vacations, more patience, more “pocket money”, more understanding in regards to my poor math grades than he has given my sisters. Not because he loved me that much more, but because he was nearly 55 years and had less energy to get upset with trivial things and he could financially provide me with more experiences.

See, before I was born my father lived in Yugoslavia and my sisters were born during the Yugoslav wars, therefore his options were limited, but nevertheless, he did the best he could, and as soon as he was able to — he moved away, and that’s where I was born, in picturesque Prague.

He was determined to provide us with a better life, and he did. Isn’t that what fathers do?

They act. They provide. They do their best.

My sisters moved out in their late twenties while I stayed with my dad. Not because I was unable to live on my own, but because I wanted to stay with him, after all, it was very comfortable.

I travelled a lot (just like my father) because of my work, and sometimes it felt as we were roommates. Over breakfast we talked about our upcoming business trips, giving each other tips on where to dine and what to see.

Whenever he was in town it was he who picked me reassuring me that whenever I came home, my father was there for me. It was he, who encouraged me to go to Japan for a business conference. I was anxious about the long-haul flight and being away alone, in a completely different world. He texted and called me every single day, not minding the time difference, and he made me feel as If I was never alone. After that, I took three more long-haul trips to the States.

Sometimes we used to argue: mostly about my drinking. My father loved to socialize and to drink, but he didn’t approve of me drinking. I believe he knew too well that how much trouble and fun I could be, after all, I am my father’s daughter.

Even though I was 26 of age, he always asked me the same question before I left the house:

“When will you be back?”

I always lied: “In two hours or so…”

Somehow the nights were too short for me back then, and it was too much fun to be out with various creative people. Sometimes he used to text me in the middle of the night and remind me that the two hours have passed and that our family dog is missing me and asking when I would be back. He would also send the picture of the dog as if to validate his statement.

Back then I thought he was trying to manipulate me into coming back earlier, just because he didn’t approve of my lifestyle, now I know he just wished for me to keep promises.

In 2017 I was faced with a decision to make, either I will celebrate the Christmas holidays with my father, or I will spend Christmas with my lavish friends in Moscow. I sat down and impulsively decided to spend the Christmas holidays alone, skiing in France.

Somehow, I wished to get away from everyone, myself included as if I was searching for something that could only be found in mountains.

Back then I didn’t know how fateful that decision was, as I’ve met a man who I fell in love with. He came with a daughter. When I informed my father about this, he seemed happy for me anyway but asked:

“Are you sure that this is what you want?”

“Yes, absolutely!”

I packed my bags and left my father’s home. I left a lot of things behind as if hoping unconsciously that one day, I will be coming back to him. With a tight hug and smile, he accompanied me to the airport. For the next three years, I haven’t seen my dad.

Soon after I realized that my father was right and that I didn’t want the life I choose with my partner.

It turned out that what I didn’t want — to be what I needed the most.

I moved to England, to a city up north. My father warned me that I would not like the city I was moving to, he called it simply — “an industrial town”.

“What nonsense! It’s a charming city!” I responded. However, my father was right. Industrial was a diplomatic choice of words; the town was appalling.

As I left my father, I entered the life of another father — my partner who was a dad to a lovely young girl. Seeing him being the involved, loving, and devoted father as he is made me love him even more so. And slowly but surely, I too became a parent: a stepmother.

Supporting him with his parenting duties has taught me the value of my own father in my life. I watched my stepdaughter grow up, in a loving home with an amazing father, who too, did always right by her.

Most importantly it made me think of my own father in a different light: it showed me how lucky I was and suddenly the idea of celebrating Christmas with my father was more than appealing than going to the French mountains. I found myself daydreaming of short surprise getaway trips, as a thank you gesture — for being there for me all these years and a “sorry” for not being more grateful before.

My father’s birthday falls on New Year’s eve and for 28 years I forgot to wish him a happy birthday. Somehow I was always too busy preparing myself for the wrong celebration, over and over again. But not anymore.

Through watching my partner being a father to his daughter I realized how important are fathers in our lives, especially in daughters.

Leaving my father has enabled his long-term influence on me to come through in the most unexpected ways: as months went on, I caught myself asking questions such as “What would my father say or/and do in this particular situation?”

He became my compass, helping me choose the right thing.

It is his influence and his parenting that helped me become the stepparent I am. It is my father who taught me to be brave, honest, courageous, and never backs down from a good challenge.

“Nobody daydreams of raising someone else’s child. It takes balls to unconditionally love someone else’s child. You keep giving your love unconditionally in the face of any rejection. Many people can’t do that. You can though. Remember that” — he told me.

My father taught me that choosing the right words and the right time to say them is more important than what I am about to say. He was the diplomat, the prankster, the biggest supporter, a good friend, a good opponent (in chess or tennis), the best friend, the confidant, but most of all the Dad.

He knew when to step back and make me make my own mistakes. Perhaps that is why he wasn’t in a way when I choose to leave and be with the man I love. He foresaw that I was bound to come back, sooner or later.

He taught me to always leave a good lasting impression: one day my stepchild will appreciate the value I have in her life, but also never to expect that to happen.

The amount of personal growth I’ve achieved in the last years being away has been astonishing. I was not ready to be a parent when my stepchild came into my life. But if I was going to be with my partner then I was going to have to grow up.

Becoming an overnight parent was an adjustment for me, I had to reevaluate what was important in my life. Leaving and being with my partner, parenting along with him has taught me compassion. It has taught me the importance of honest communication and how to honour myself and my own needs and wishes.

To value and cherish me too. To agree only when I want to and to disagree with grace. To not give much thought to what other people think of me, because their opinions of me don’t define me.

The actions define me.

Sometimes I wonder that if it wasn’t for this role if it wasn’t for meeting my partner, but most importantly if it wasn’t for my father I would not be so proud of the woman I have become.

When the corona pandemic hit, my partner started re-evaluating his life too.

We concluded that the town is too “industrial” perhaps, that there are fewer opportunities for professional growth and that we would be able to provide more for his daughter elsewhere. And that is when I knew that I would be returning to my father once again, not alone though, but with my partner — something that I didn’t expect to happen.

When I informed my father, I thought he would say something of the like “I told you you would not like it there” or point out that he was right, instead he asked:

“Wasn’t it quite an experience though?”

I looked at him, smiled, and answered: “ Yes, Daddy it was”

The two most important men in my life have a lot of things in common, but I will name just two — they both love me, and they are both amazing fathers.

I’ve realized that the bond between a father and a daughter is unique. A girl’s relationship with her father shapes her childhood and determines her behaviour. It’s fathers who teach us the importance of family and values, that are non-negotiable. It’s fathers who always urge us to lead and not to follow.

It’s fathers who are here to catch us when we fall.

Whether it was when I was learning to ski; when I was encouraged to enter tennis competitions; when I won and when I have lost; when I have re-applied for the positions and I was rejected; when I wrote my first story; when I lost my mother or when I moved away and when I came back — my father was there to put me back together.

He was there for me, no matter the time, the distance, or the cost.

This year I am coming back to my dad, and it feels as If I have never left him, nor I could have, as he was always by my side.

Without a doubt, I believe that my father is the most influential person in my life. Even though I don’t like to admit it, he has taught me many life lessons.

He knows me far more than I can imagine and all that he has ever wished for is that someday I have the wisdom and knowledge to do better and choose better. His dream is that one day I would become better than he is — more fulfilled and happier. He did all that he could to provide me with all the right tools to accomplish that.

Moving away was one of the steps my father took in order to accomplish his goal of making his children more successful in life than himself. The step my partner is taking now too.

I’ve realized that to have a father who cares about you and loves you means that you have the support that others can’t give to you. It’s knowing that you can give it all in your life and make mistakes but still fall back if things go wrong because your father is there to help you.

The biggest gift he gave is to love me unconditionally and prepare me to be the best version of a parent that I can be to my own children and stepchildren.

Since I’ve been back with my father I feel as if I have never left.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been made whole.

To come back — I’ve had to leave first. And that’s okay.

Thank you for reading.