Don’t Co-Parent With Toxic Mothers
How Can You Co-Parent With A Toxic Ex?
The Simple Answer Is — You Can’t.
I’ve seen too many women alienate children from their fathers. My mother was one of them. Why?
Because they wish to hurt their ex-partner for leaving them. These women focus only on their own wishes and needs — they are driven by an obsessive desire to punish the other parent. They don’t understand that children need both parents to develop into healthy adults.
My close friend is struggling to co-parent with his malicious ex. He tried for years to keep the communication open, positive and productive. He engaged in countless, nonsense communications with his ex to keep in touch with his children as he feared that the ex would cut him out of his children lives.
He doesn’t realize one thing though — he is the father. He has parental responsibility and his ex can keep up causing issues if she wants but he has the right to be involved in his children's lives. This year he finally secured a court order.
He hoped that things would become easier but they didn’t. The ex continuous to engage in toxic behaviours such as:
- Intervenes and limits the communication between you and your children.
- Tells lies, badmouths and belittles you in front of your children.
- Speaks poorly about your family (parents, new partner).
- Destroys and hides presents that you have given to your child.
- Undermines your authority.
- Disregards the court order — visitations and contact arrangements.
- Tells the child that you are not trustworthy or dangerous.
These behaviours will damage your relationship with your child. It is impossible to co-parent with a toxic mother who does the above things.
Co-parenting is teamwork. It’s a mutual effort to do things in the best interest of the child. The toxic has its own agenda.
Toxic mothers will not pout the child best interests before their own. First, ask yourself these questions:
- Is your ex-partner controlling?
- Is your ex-partner obsessive?
- Is your ex-partner emotionally abusive?
- Is your ex-partner emotionally unstable?
- Do they exhibit signs of parental alienation?
If you’ve answered yes then you are dealing with a highly toxic ex and the bad news is that you won’t be able to co-parent with your ex. But there are things that you can do instead. Here they are.
“Get a court order.”
You can’t negotiate with terrorists. You need to have a plan and know what you want to accomplish — ideally, you would like to have sole custody of your children, but unfortunately, courts side with the mothers.
Go before a judge with a plan, ask for visitations, create the timetable when and where you will be seeing your child. Add also online contact — phone communication. How the ex should keep you up to date with school issues, medical emergencies or anything else related to the child.
Keep the communication in one place, ideally via email. If she starts making mistakes and creates issues, which she will you can always take her back to court. Get the most detailed court order that you can — if she tries to disregard the court order you will be able to push for sanctions and fight for sole decision-making rights or custody.
“Give the “power” to the ex.”
The toxic ex will continue harassing you via email and will do all in their power to show that they are “co-parenting” when they are not, they are just trying to provoke your reactions. Remember if your child’s mother is the primary carer it is her know who should take care of doctor appointments, choice of schools and parent evenings. You should be involved in all this too — but you don’t have to come up with the list of general practitioners — she does.
Let her finally do the hard work. If you get too engaged soon your goodwill will be used against you in one way or another. Keep your distance from the ex but not from your child.
“Wait…”
The best thing you can do is wait: wait for your ex to mix up the court arrangements, show hostility, forget to pick up the child. You should also wait for your child to grow older to be able to make their mind of their own. Waiting doesn’t mean giving up — on the contrary, waiting means being there for your children when they need you and they will need you very soon.
You can’t win the system, the court has already decided that the child should live with the mother — for now. Always remember that if you engage with the terrorist (your ex) the civilians (your children) will suffer even more.
That’s why keeping your distance and focusing on building your life for you and your children is the best thing you can and should do.
“In the Meantime, Live Your Life”
You can’t change your ex. You can’t stop her from telling lies to your children. You can’t be there when the child is neglected.
You did all you could. Now you need to focus on yourself — this way you are helping your child. Your child will not stay a twelve-year-old forever. Take time for yourself and improve your mental health, seek therapy if needed. Nothing will upset your ex more than you living your life to the fullest.
Every time you come by to pick up your children — come with the biggest smile. Your children will always remember how Daddy was always in a good mood and happy when seeing them, you will create memories for your children.
Your ex can speak of you poorly, they might try to create fake memories, but you keep being consistent and keep showing up — your children will remember the truth about their father.
“Keep The Focus On Your Children.”
Call, text and be present in your children’s life. Even if your ex hides the phone and tries to cut contact you will have the evidence that every day you texted your children goodnight. One day you will be able to show all of these messages to your kids and then the mother will have to explain why these messages were never delivered.
One day, your children will come back to you because they won’t stay children forever. Remember if you have succeeded in cutting ties with the toxic ex, your blood runs through your children's veins — they will realize it too.
Toxic mothers focus on the past, you focus on the future.
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