Relationships | Disappointment | Expectation | Contests

When People Disappoint You. Again.

A look at how to turn these upsetting incidents into insightful experiences

“When you have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.” — Ryan Reynolds

Hello, my beloved Pub Family — and others who drop in, too!

How was your week? Has it been productive? Restful? Too busy? Has there been some healing in it? And some fun?

Oh, dear. Witchy is twirling around here crashing into things as usual, yelling, “Make sure to ask if they had fun! Don’t forget to ask about fun! Did they have fun?”

Yes, Li’l Witchy, we know how important “fun” is to you — and you’re not alone there. I’m kind of a fan of it myself!

Pop into the comments and let us know how your week was — and especially, please do let Witchy know if you had any fun. Or I’ll never hear the end of it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Speaking of Witchy, here is a picture she drew about a little event in her week:

Contest: Winner Will Receive $50 USD!

And speaking of Witchy, a reminder about the contest that was announced in last week’s “newsletter-ish”!

Here are the details:

• You’ve gotta be one of HHH’s writers
• Answers must be at least 300 words in length
• Submitted to Hope, Healing and Humour (draft only, as usual, please)
• The writer who submits the funniest or most imaginative, creative story will win $50 USD (you must have a valid Paypal or Ko-fi account to receive this prize). Your comments on the entries will be taken into account in the decision-making process.
• If this goes well and there’s a good response, we’ll make a monthly event.
• Deadline for entries: December 20, 2023
• Winner announced December 31 — what a fun way to end the year and prepare for the new one!

Here’s Witchy’s question:

On your desk, there is a container for your pens, pencils, scissors and other such items. What kinds of conversations are happening amongst them?

Be creative! Use your imagination! Connect with that little kid inside, the one that’s eager to come out and play!

We’ve had a couple of excellent submissions already, and you’ve got until Dec. 20, 2023 (midnight MST) to enter. Wanna have a little fun? Here’s your chance to be as silly as you want and be rewarded for it in feeling great while you do it, in claps and comments from your fellow writers, and maybe even in prize money!

Ooo! Who can’t use a little extra moolah? 💰💷💵

When People Let Us Down

Ahhh, who hasn’t been there? Who hasn’t felt the sting of rejection or of not getting the desired response from someone who matters? I’m sure all of us have beaten ourselves up more than once when we keep hoping someone will react a different way this time — but they never do.

Well … I have a couple of ideas to share and I hope they’ll be helpful.

First, as I like to say, expectation is the mother of disappointment. In any and all things, not just relationships. As soon as we expect and rely on a particular result, and one over which we have zero control, we set ourselves up to be disappointed.

I think a little expectation in the “being positive” way is a good thing. Or even simply hoping for the best. But it’s a whole other ball of wax to expect specific outcomes to such a degree that we struggle with hearing a different result.

If you’re going to expect a particular result, it’s important to also be prepared to accept another outcome.

But what’s even more important — and particularly in relationships — is what we can do to navigate those interactions with others that leave us feeling hurt and disappointed. Especially if we know what those people are like, and we see behaviour that we’ve seen countless times before, and it always ends the same way. We feel miserable and let down. We beat ourselves up and wonder, “What the heck is wrong with me for having dared try again, when I knew how this was going to go?”

AJ shared just such a story this week (the link is below) and it was so hard to read about how deeply the situation had hurt him, in part because I could relate to exactly what he was talking about.

In my experience dealing with way too many ex-husbands and a couple of exceptionally difficult children (think “movie of the week” parenting nightmares), one of the most important truths I learned is that when we feel upset by the behaviour of another, it’s most helpful to consider what we can change about ourselves so we don’t feel like that again. Especially if it’s about repeated behaviour from others and we know we’re going to run into it again. And again. And again.

Is there a point to allowing yourself to get upset about it every time that person behaves that way? Um … I don’t think so.

The first step in dealing with people like this is to recognise that that’s who they are. They’re unlikely to change, no matter what you say or do, no matter how much you think they should change. It just ain’t gonna happen.

You have absolutely zero control over them. You have absolutely zero ability to change them.

The only person you can change is yourself. If you don’t like how it feels to be hurt and feel rejected and angry, stop wishing those people were different. Stop wishing they would understand how much they’re upsetting you. They probably don’t even know — or even if they do, they don’t give a rat’s @$$.

Stop putting your happiness in their hands by waiting for them to change so you can feel better.

Instead, change how you respond to them. Know that they will continue to be the way they are, no matter what you do or don’t do, no matter how upset you are or aren’t, so you might as well do yourself a favour and choose inner peace. Accept them, warts and all. You knew they were gonna be pinheads again, so why are you acting like it’s a big surprise? Why did you expect — or even hope for — anything different this time?

And no, it’s not because you’re stupid. It’s not because you’re an idiot. It just means you’re hopeful and optimistic and there’s nothing wrong with either of those traits.

So stop with the negative self-talk. It’ll only make you feel worse.

Let go of that expectation. Let go of that hope. Choose to let go of feeling upset. And recognise that there is nothing — nothing — you can do to change those people.

Some of the Best Teachers

I believe these people are put in our paths as teachers. They give us the opportunity to stretch and to learn more about ourselves.

For example, with the behaviour that drive you nuts, look at what it brings up in you. What are the feelings and issues that arise? Do you feel rejected? Unloved? Hurt? Angry? Abandoned? Belittled? Criticised?

Where do those feelings come from? What needs a closer look?

What do you need to heal?

I could relate to AJ’s story so much, as my mother could be unbearably cruel, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why it took a few decades for me to figure out that I would never get it right with her. She would never be pleased. I would always be “wrong.” And with one interaction after another, I felt like everything that annoyed her was my fault.

I had to come to terms with the fact that her treatment of me had absolutely nothing to do with me. It was her stuff, not mine. There was nothing “wrong” with me. Her own insecurities were driving her behaviour. But it would be many years before I understood this.

When dealing with people who leave you feeling upset, it’s important to realise that what you’re witnessing is not about you. That hurtful behaviour is all about their emotional wounds playing out, right in front of you.

It can be helpful to look past that behaviour and see the perfect and divine spirit that’s buried under all that pain.

Understand that we’re all flawed in our own ways. They’re doing the best they can in this moment with the tools they have at this time. They have their own paths to walk, their own lessons to learn — and they might not ever choose to learn them.

Eyes on your own paper.

The sooner you stop wishing and hoping they would be different and you start accepting them for who they are, the quicker you’ll find inner peace. And to further assist you in your personal journey, take some time to contemplate the issues that arise when you feel yourself becoming irritated or hurt. Heal what needs healing in yourself, and leave them to their own journeys. There’s not a thing you can do about them anyway.

Invitation: Have you had experience with people like this? How did you handle them? What kinds of issues arose? Have you done any healing work? If so, what did you do and how is it making a difference in your life?

I welcome your submissions on this topic and if you publish elsewhere, please tag me so I can see it!

Here’s the amazing line-up of submissions we had in the past week! Wow — thanks so much to everyone who contributed to Hope, Healing and Humour since our last newsletterish. These are fantastic!

Mary V ☺️ shares a helpful perspective on how to cope with setbacks and change:

Daniel Ng offers powerful life-altering and healing contemplations after yet another devastating blow:

Janet Meisel is worried that she’s becoming like her mother. On one hand, dreading the idea, but on the other hand, perhaps seeing that her mother’s got a life-altering point …

Ella de Jong shares a short poem about visiting a prisoner:

Nathan Chen has written an incredibly moving piece about what we lost and what we’ve found because of the pandemic. I was in the very best kind of tears by the end of it:

Qaiser Khan has written a lovely poem in honour of Hope, Healing and Humour:

Dr. Rupa Mahanti offers a slightly belated list of inspiring quotes that were intended to be published in October — but heck, as long as people are breathing and conscious, they’ll always be just as valuable as they would have been then!

Sharon Johnson spent a lovely day playing by a river and watching plenty of birds do the same — such a sweet, restful read!

Qaiser Khan has written a gorgeous poem about love and winter:

And another about never giving up on your dreams:

Debbie Soderberg Kirchner tells a beautiful story of finding the gifts and goodies in life:

Sheri Jacobs offers a deeply moving piece on regret and on navigating a difficult relationship — even after death:

Gauri Sirur had an interesting experience and shares the insights that came with it:

AJ writes about the painful experience that prompted his Medium journey. I’m so glad he’s here:

In response to Witchy’s contest:

Here are the first contenders:

Ben Ulansey, a master of mini-melodrama and amazing alliteration, introduces us to a few desktop friends, including Gerald, the pencil who is having an existential crisis of some sort:

Grace Delphia had me laughing all the way through this discussion on a therapist’s desk:

PLEASE READ AND COMMENT on these contest entries! Your opinions will be taken into account in deciding on a winner!

See you next week, and remember: Be kind. You never know when it could change a life.

Tagging our beloved Pub Family:

Kris Bedenian Rodney Brazier Patti Murray Voncannon Carrie Kolar Croix Sather Deb Fiore Dina Alexander DL Nemeril Donnette Anglin Loren Lieberthal Jimmy Misner Jr. Judy Millar Julie Gaeta Pene Hodge Karen Schwartz James Knight Dr. Preeti Singh Radhika Iyer Sam Branstner Umme Salma Tamil T Mann Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles Lion~ Wendy S. Bradfield Yana Bostongirl Jo An Fox-Wright Maddox Suma Narayan Penny Walsh Shameem Anwar Irene Fassler Sandy Peckinpah Trista Signe Ainsworth Slow train Ashley Nicole B.R. Shenoy Carolyn Hastings Christina Christine Vann, MSc. Ellie Jacobson Isabel Young Kaz Rochford Nia Simone McLeod Nicole Hilbig Patricia Wright Pam Winter Jodian Marie Thomas, MS, Bsc, Asc L Burton Danielle Hestand Sahil Patel Malky McEwan Barbara Cook Tyra Jaide Eko BP Drashti Shroff Evergreen Eden Bernie Pullen Rhea Anglesey CARMEN F MICSA Robin Oakman Mary Vraa Libby Shively McAvoy Kristina God Niall Leah Debbra Lupien, Voice of the Akashic Records Toya Qualls-Barnette Vashni Stories Dawn :) Divya Goswami BichoDoMato Evon Carole Olsen Sharon Sayler, Author Jennifer Dunne Kylie van Gelder Neha Sonney, Author Christina Sponias Ian Hanson JF Danskin Patrick OConnell Mary V Elvie Lins❤️ Carmellita Gauri Sirur Kristie Leong M.D. IJaveria Ansari Asim Nori Dipo Adebayo Andreia Damian Jenine Bsharah Baines Jodi Marie Mahein Kazi Mario López-Goicoechea Raine Lore Vishal Mehta Aarti Tailor A Rustic Mind (Manali Desai) Mona S Gable Anne Emerick Andra Forbes Anaya Nosso Kasturi Patra Mary B Mel Janecka Rebecca Romanelli Life not abrupt (L.n.a.) Rebecka Rose Hollie Petit, Ph.D. Michael Mallen Gauri Sirur Raine Lore Penny Walsh CARMEN F MICSA, MA in English, podcaster Mary V Marilyn Flower Srini James Beaufait Joe Merkle Rupa Mahanti Binky Ink Writing Trisha Faye John Antony Mario López-Goicoechea Sherry Atkinson Seda Anbarcı Ella de Jong Katherine Myrestad HAPPINESS + WEALTH ⭐ Nathan Chen Zeenat Merchant Syal, M.A, M.Sc Ben Ulansey Brandon Kam Victoria Kjos J Oliver Dempsey Binky Ink Writing Karen Schwartz AJ Carrie Kolar TzeLin Sam Sally Prag Jenine “Jeni” Baines Vera-Marie Landi Alan (AJ) Autistic Widower Rebecca A Emrich Grace Delphia Simply Sophia Sheri Jacobs Ella de Jong Tamara Embrey Trisha Faye Carolina Smith Janet Meisel Elena dL Daniel Ng JonesPJ Nathan Chen Amir Bibi Rick Allen Helen Gilmore Marcus aka Gregory Maidman OCTAVIA EVER AFTER Qaiser Khan Benighted Sharon Johnson Julie KingGood Nina Sklansky Debbie Soderberg Kirchner Jolka Maria Rattray