How A Difficult Weekend Turned Into Something Special
I am grateful to my mentor and in-laws
I took two days off to keep an eye on my wife, Gabrielle, while she was recovering from a blackout/small stroke last Friday. Yesterday, I took a trip to meet up with a mentor to go through my current challenges over my wife’s ill health, before I visit Gabrielle in the afternoon. I struggle with seeing Gabrielle deteriorating over the last 24 months.
This mentor has a big heart for his fellow men. I appreciate and value his advice. My relationship with my dad is very average. He is there but he does not know how to relate and talk to me. What I learned from him was to avoid how and what he does, and not be a positive and encouraging role model. Somehow I see my mentor as my surrogate dad.
When I saw Gabrielle, she was very tired and worse than the day before. She managed to open her eyes and mumbled a few words. Her speech was slurred and I could hardly understand. I let her rest while I held her hand. I stayed for an hour and her parents came with a small Christmas tree and decorations. They saw how tired she was and decided to come back tomorrow. They called Gabrielle and gave her a kiss and hug. To my surprise, Gabrielle managed to speak a little louder and clearer. She opened her big eyes. I was glad her parents were there. After we left Gabrielle’s room we chatted a little before we went home.
When I reflected on yesterday, there were a few things that I needed to understand and change.
- Relationship with my dad
My dad never talked about his past, especially his side of the family. As far as I knew, he was away from home at a very young age and had very little opportunity to learn life skills like I had. The crowd that he mixed around did not help. At least he stayed with my mom all these years.
He just had his ninetieth birthday and he is not hanging around for any longer.
When I put his upbringing into perspective, I can’t blame him for what he does not know. I do understand we do need to learn to take responsibility for learning and change. But I can’t change anybody except me!
My mentor shared his stories with his dad. He used to dislike him but when he found out years later his dad’s upbringing was after he passed away, his respect for him changed. He challenged me to talk to my dad first. I don’t want to admit but he is right. I have to look past my frustration and start talking to my dad.
2. Showing love to Gabrielle
When I grew up I never saw any affection between my parents. They always argue. Especially since we lived in a 30 square feet apartment there was no room for me and my brother to hide.
Gabrielle’s relationship with her parents is very close. Her mom always hugs and kisses her.
When I saw how responsive Gabrielle was to her parents yesterday, I needed to up my game and speak Gabrielle’s love language, more hugs and kisses.
I don’t know how many times a person and sustain strokes. Gabrielle had seven strokes and three blackouts since we got married five and a half years ago. She is deteriorating cognitively and physically. Time is not our friend.
3. Find humour in difficult situations
It was a tough day last Friday when Gabrielle lost consciousness and was rushed to the hospital. Many negative thoughts went through my mind. Her life has already been reduced to her bed, how much more suffering does she still need to endure?
A few hours later when she was wheeled back after a CT scan, she was awake. I was so relieved. I said to her,
“They scanned your feet but found no brain.”
She smiled and squeezed my hand. That lifted our spirits.
I am glad I took time off to spend time with Gabrielle and catch up with my mentor. I am very lucky to be surrounded by good people. Sometimes I wish my life was less bumpy but life is never a straight line. My choice is to carry on and learn.
Jonathan Townend is an amazing gentleman. He overcame his mental illness and became a mental health nurse. I love his openness, generosity, authenticity and sense of humour.
Eve Arnold is an outstanding writer, entrepreneur and writing coach. She taught me how to have a full time job but also write consistently. She was my writing instructor and I learned a lot from her.
Liberty Forrest is an inspiration. I learned heaps from her stories how she overcame her challenges. She is real and down to earth.
