Sometimes Our Pain Can Lead To Amazing New Beginnings

Why I started writing on Medium

No matter how old you get, sometimes you just want your mom. After years and years of dealing with her narcissism, I pulled back significantly from putting in any effort to have a relationship with her.

Each interaction left me feeling worse than the previous one, and it became not worth it; however, in a moment of weakness, I stupidly tried again, thinking this time would be different.

During the summer, my wife and I were very, very sick with Covid. It was easily the sickest I had been in over fifteen years.

On day six of that awful, incessant virus, I reached a breaking point and needed someone to listen to me vent and tell me that I would be okay.

Isn’t that what moms are supposed to do?

My first choice was to call my dad. He has his fair share of flaws, but the one thing my dad is incredible at is listening when I need to get things off my chest. He’s never judged me or any decision I’ve made; he’s always been a great sounding board for me, and I appreciate that about him.

I called, but he didn’t answer.

As I sat there burning up with a 101.3-degree fever and body aches so bad that it felt like Mike Tyson beat my ass, I simply needed some support.

Left with no one else to turn to, I begrudgingly called my mom.

Maybe this time, she’d actually be a mom.

I’ve uttered those words way too often in my life and have always come away disappointed, so I knew better, but, like an idiot, I made the call anyway.

She answered, and I instantly regretted placing the call.

I told her how my wife and I were still feeling terrible and wished we were dead so the suffering would end. Instead of being a real mother and saying, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry to hear that. It will pass soon,” her immediate response was, “Okay,” then she proceeded to tell me what she ate for breakfast, what her plans were for the day, what the neighbors were doing, how my dad didn’t buy her an item she wanted at the grocery store, and on and on she went with her useless minutiae.

Realizing it was the same old narcissistic show and this interaction, like every other one before it, was going to be all about her, I cut her off and said, “Mom, I have to go,” and then hung up the phone.

I left this conversation filled to the brim yet again with a mixture of hurt and rage.

You would think after forty-one years on this planet, I wouldn’t make the same mistakes over and over again, but there I was, sick as hell and now pissed off once again because she completely disregarded my feelings.

I had so much anger and disappointment bubbling through my veins that I needed an outlet, and I wasn’t going to burden my sick wife in the other room with it.

My wife has a friend who writes on Medium, so I heard about the platform before. I never thought anyone would be the least bit interested in reading what I had to say, so I never pursued it, although I do have a writing background.

My college degree is in English Writing; however, I quickly learned it was tough to make a living as a full-time writer. In fact, my first job out of college was for a local newspaper.

They wanted to pay me $25,000 a year to write for them. At the same time, they had a job opening in sales for the advertising department that started at $50,000 a year plus commission. Saddled with over $50,000 in student loan debt, which one do you think I chose?

So, just like that, my writing career was over before it began, and I paid a hefty price tag for a degree from which I never earned a penny. After working for the newspaper, I went into the finance business, and I’ve been in finance ever since.

That day, the disappointing interaction with my mom sparked my desire to create a Medium account and start writing again.

The first piece I wrote was a poem about how it felt to have my emotions ignored once again by my narcissistic mom. You can read it here if you are interested.

I had no intention to continue writing and had no clue that I’d be at almost 50 articles since that day. In the short time I’ve been on Medium, I’ve had way more success than I ever imagined and have read work from some amazing and talented writers.

I want to thank everyone who has read, clapped, highlighted, and commented on my stories. The support means a lot to me and gives me the motivation to continue sharing my world with you.

Whenever I’ve faced adversity in my life, I’ve always been quick to get mad about it and ask why it happened to me, but each time I looked closely enough, I found a silver lining that helped me grow.

I think that’s a great lesson for us to all learn to take the setbacks in our lives and look at them through a different lens, and instead of asking, “Why me,” ask ourselves, “Why not me?”

Isn’t that what Hope, Healing, and Humour is all about?

So, thanks, Mom, for being a challenge. You’ve unleashed a creative beast.

Thank you for reading. Please check out this great piece by Sheri Jacobs on lessons she learned after her father’s passing.