ZOMBIE IS NOT A JOB
What Will Your Post-Apocalypse Job Be?
Prepare now for the careers of the future!
Worried that imminent environmental, social, and economic collapse will mean the end of your hard-won career as pickle-ball referee or prancing Tiktok fuck-monkey?
Just remember, every catastrophe is also an opportunity, especially for the survivors. Even if you were unskilled and useless in the Before Times, there’s a role for you in the coming dystopia.
As a top futurist, I’ve compiled a list of your best career options for the world of tomorrow:
Wise Old Person
Do you enjoy sitting by a dying campfire spouting lazily written cliches? Directing traumatized refugees to certain death in search of imaginary Safe Zones?
Wise Old Person could be the job for you!
In this role, you’ll provide advice, guidance, and occasional narration to people unable to move their own story forward. Since you’re weak and defenseless you’ll be murdered quickly, but a statue in your honour could be erected in the lands west of the Great Radioactive Desert. Or you could get eaten by raccoons and forgotten.
Candidates who are blind or talk like Morgan Freeman will be prioritized.
Warlord Henchperson (formerly Henchman)
If you’re a team player with flexible moral boundaries, consider a career in Hencepersoning.
The Henchperson is a key stakeholder in the vicious, depraved camp of the local warlord. The main qualifications for this position are a kicky hairdo and propensity for violence.
This role will be particularly rewarding during the looting and pillaging phases of societal breakdown, but like most jobs after the collapse, mortality rates are high. However, you stand a good chance of dying in a unique and hilarious way, like being fired from a trebuchet or eaten by wild hogs.
Warlord Sycophant
Also reporting to the warlord, this role is similar to henchperson but does not require advanced combat skills. The Sycophant’s principal duties include threatening helpless captives and breaking out into a high-pitched giggle when the boss accidentally decapitates a henchperson.
As long as you agree with everything the warlord says, the Sycophant is a lucrative, undemanding position. However, the role can be challenging during periods of management turnover.
Mysterious Loner
If you like a fast-paced, high-pressure environment, Mysterious Loner may be the job for you. Typically a short-term contract position, this role is well suited to those who prefer to work as individual contributors.
Excellent skills with firearms, bladed weapons, and hand-to-hand combat are absolutely essential for this role. A dark, brooding, demeanour and ambiguous moral code will also help you to be successful.
While many candidates will find the job psychologically fulfilling, pay can be on the low side as most of your employers will be desperate refugees.
Child Who Has Seen it All
In the post-apocalyptic world, children will participate fully in the labour force. This entry-level role is a great opportunity for kids to get their feet wet in the working world before moving up to more advanced positions like feral waif or salt mine flunky.
Main qualifications for Child Who Has Seen It All are a one-hundred-yard stare and a tragic backstory (orphans preferred). Working closely with the Mysterious Loner, key responsibilities include providing survival tips and acting as a bargaining chip in negotiations with the warlord.
Enslaved Person (formerly Slave)
Imagine waking up every morning with a boot to the ribs and a hearty cry of “The Master needs his ass wiped, slave!” By far the most popular job after the end of civilization, Enslaved Person is well-suited to those who enjoy hard work, frequent beatings, and gruel.
While this is an entry-level position, there are paths to career advancement for motivated self-starters not afraid to instigate rebellions (consequences may include crucifixion).
There are a variety of types of Enslaved Person, including scullery, gladiatorial, and sex. You will not get to choose which type you are.
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