Formal Letter of Reprimand to Sisyphus From the Hades Human Resources Department
“To be blunt, sometimes it seems like you don’t want to be here at all.”
To Team Member: Sisyphus Boulder Roller (Level 3)
From People Manager: Hades Lord of the Underworld
Dear Sisyphus;
Per our meeting of yesterday, this communication is a formal letter of reprimand for inappropriate behaviour and performance issues in the workplace.
Documented breaches of Underworld rules and protocols are detailed below:
1. Repeated lateness
Your contract of enslavement provides for a generous fifteen-minute break every three thousand years. We have documented two instances where you returned from your break over five minutes late.
This tardiness is disruptive to boulder rolling activities and the torture operation as a whole. In one case the senior supervising demon had to leave her post to investigate, resulting in several important clients being dipped in boiling tar several minutes behind schedule.
2. Inappropriate attire
The dress code for your position requires that you wear a loincloth made of steel wool, except for scheduled “Casual Fridays” when a powder blue polyester leisure suit is acceptable.
On numerous occasions, your on-the-job appearance has not met the required standard. Specific examples include the tenth of July, 2018 when you wore an unacceptably luxurious horsehair toga, and the seventeenth of January, 2021 when you were seen rolling your boulder entirely nude.
Human Resources has considered your argument in the latter case that the rock had rolled over you and torn your clothing off while also crushing your heart, lungs, and spleen, and determined that all necessary safety protocols were observed by the organization. You are entirely at fault.
Productivity
While your uphill boulder rolling has been generally satisfactory, if slow, your line manager has noted that you frequently release the boulder well before the point in the process when he laughs and pushes it from your grip.
The effect of this early roll back down the slope is to reduce the overall effectiveness of the torment. Since torment is our most important Key Performance Indicator, this has a detrimental effect on our stats and ultimately our annual bonuses (we acknowledge that as a contract employee who is not entitled to bonuses, benefits, or remuneration of any kind, you may not be aware of this.)
Poor interpersonal skills/attitude
Your colleagues report that you’ve made numerous inappropriate comments to them, including “This job seems like kind of a waste of time” and “I sure could use a drink of water.” These types of statements show a lack of team spirit and have a negative impact on company morale.
Moreover, when recently asked by your supervisor to address the above-noted issues, you responded by raising your voice and using unprofessional language. In one case, a client being sawed in half nearby overheard the word “fricking,” upsetting her greatly.
To be blunt, sometimes it seems like you don’t want to be here at all.
Next steps
As you’ve already had several verbal cautions, this letter will be your last warning. Should your performance fail to improve, you will be transferred to your choice of the Liver-Ripped-Out-By-A-Vulture division or an Amazon fulfillment center.
Please acknowledge that you have received and read this letter by signing below.
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