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Are You An 80’s Action Star? Take This Quiz And Find Out

Get your chest oiled up cause shit’s about to get real

It was the 1980s. Wise-cracking, hard-bodied heroes spread toxic masculinity to all corners of the planet, blowing up foreigners and fighting wars that America had already lost, or which would soon prove to be giant mistakes.

You may be one of these heroes and not even know it. Take this quiz to find out!

1. What does your day-to-day wardrobe look like?

a) Wrinkle-free khakis and a polo shirt

b) Regular dress shirts several sizes too small, to give the impression of barely contained power

c) Shredded sleeveless t-shirts covered in dried blood

d) I haven’t worn a shirt since 1987

e) Headband and camo paint

2. What is your relationship status?

a) I am in a normal healthy relationship with a living human

b) Wife/girlfriend currently kidnapped

c) Wife/girlfriend recently murdered

d) Carrying a torch for ex-wife now married to smug yuppie

e) Sleeping with a traumatized woman who just escaped vicious sex traffickers

f) I live with an alligator

3. Your car is lightly rear-ended at a stoplight. What do you do?

a) Politely exchange insurance information.

b) Nod grimly and mutter “Shit just got real, motherfucker” while slapping a fresh magazine into my Glock

c) Put my fist through the window of the other car, pull out the driver and punch them repeatedly while shouting “Who do you work for?”

d) Reverse my vehicle rapidly, pushing the other car into live traffic or off a cliff, whichever is more convenient

e) Turn around, wave, and fire a rocket-propelled grenade

4. How do you like to keep in shape?

a) Healthy eating and hitting the gym two or three times a week

b) Drinking bourbon while staring mournfully at a picture of my missing wife

c) Competitive handshaking

d) Jumping down flaming elevator shafts

e) Montages: seven seconds each of running on the beach, hitting the heavy bag, and benching 300 pounds while listening to the Scorpions on my Walkman

5. What’s your employment situation?

a) I work at a regular job or am seeking employment at a regular job

b) I recently handed in my badge and gun because I routinely cause multiple deaths and millions of dollars in damages while performing my job

c) I’m waiting for someone from the CIA to show up and offer me a secret mission

d) I have a dozen shoeboxes of hundred dollar bills in my closet which I will not discuss

e) I have been betrayed by rogue elements in my own government and am being chased across Europe by men in mock turtlenecks and three quarter length leather coats

1. You are American. What accent do you speak English with?

a) American

b) French

c) Austrian

d) Australian

e) Irish

f) Chinese

7. When is it ok to cry?

a) The loss of a loved one, a bad break-up, and to be honest I teared up a little at the end of The Notebook

b) I would allow a single tear to roll down my cheek upon the death of my mother, but only if I caused it

c) Tears of rage are ok when witnessing an injustice requiring correction, as long as they are followed by extreme violence

d) When being blown out of an exploding helicopter

e) The only acceptable expressions of emotion are incandescent fury and steely-eyed resolve

If you answered anything other than “a” to more than three of these questions, you are probably an 80’s action star or a right-wing sociopath. Congratulations and please seek professional help.

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