ALL GUNS MATTER

A Modest Proposal on School Shootings from the NRA and the Pro-Life Movement

The abortion ban solution

In recent days there’s been a lot of talk about “school shootings”, or as we patriots prefer to call it “the free expression of the right to bear arms.” While the murder of children is suboptimal, we must apply the right solutions. We must not become victims of a small number of individuals with mental illness, which is to say, those who question gun rights.

Guns are not the problem

Liberals want to blame these tragedies on guns. The truth is that if someone wants to kill twenty kids in half an hour and doesn’t have a high-powered semi-auto assault-style rifle and a dozen thirty-round magazines of ammo, they’ll just use a chicken leg or a plastic spoon.

And only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a drumstick.

As Thomas Jefferson probably said, Guns are Peace. Violence is Freedom. These are the most important of American values, and we must not sacrifice them to self-serving tiny-balled lefties.

The abortion solution

Still, while we recognize that regular massacres of children can’t be prevented by restricting access to firearms, there is an answer. An answer that’s been staring us in the face for years, but which we only now have the power to bring to life.

As the Supreme Court and the Republican Party prepare to abolish the dangerous and immoral right of women to choose what they do with their bodies, a new opportunity arises.

With abortion finally banned throughout this great Christian nation, many pregnancies will be brought to full term that might otherwise have been cut tragically short in the embryonic stage. The children thus spawned will be disproportionately born to mothers who lack the financial or psychological means to raise them as useful members of the community.

Needless to say, God-fearing, hard-working members of society cannot be expected to support the parasitic offspring of lazy criminal parents on their inevitable path to prison, drug overdose, or death by police.

But these unwanted post-fetuses can, nevertheless, serve a purpose.

Special schools for useless children

Because access to firearms must be unlimited, men — and theoretically, women — will unavoidably use them to kill random strangers. And while we deplore the deaths of certain children, a little murderous male rage is understandable in this age of Cancel Culture and “Who, Me?”.

In order to allow men to express themselves with bullets as God intended, we propose a special school system for those children who might otherwise not have been born, and who add no value to society.

These schools, call Target Academies, will cost little and fill a much-needed niche in the mass shooter ecosystem.

Target schools will feature no guards or security features of any sort, along with multiple unlocked entrances and doorless classrooms. Students and staff will wear leg weights to ensure slow movement, and bright-colored clothing for enhanced visibility through a rifle sight. Desks will be made of flimsy, easily penetrated materials.

These features will ensure that potential school shooters go there first before taking out their anger on more worthwhile children. School locations will also be advertised in online gun stores and men’s rights chat rooms.

To ensure that no GOP-approved educators are sacrificed, Target Academies will be staffed by teachers who own electric cars or wear short skirts, LGBTQ wherever possible.

Savings will support better kids

The money saved by not having to support so many unaborted welfare babies can be used to fund charter schools attended by the children of job-creators and their wives.

These institutions will feature high walls topped with barbed wire, searchlights, guard towers, and an extensive armed security presence. Inside, fresh-faced, bright-futured kids driven to class in armored SUVs will learn about American exceptionalism and the history of Smith & Wesson.

Choose guns

We at the NRA and the pro-life movement have no agenda besides advancing the best interests of gun owners, the unborn, and unborn gun owners. We simply see a rare opportunity to promote the uniquely American tradition of mass shootings, improve the national gene pool, and provide a profitable stream of bloody clickbait for the media.

Let’s not waste this chance.

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