YOU ASKED FOR IT

Jesus Plans Return for His Birthday, Fiery Lake Being Prepared for 100% of Human Population

‘What did you expect, you nailed me to a cross’

Speaking from Heaven today, Jesus (the Christ), formerly Y’shua of Nazareth, said that he hopes to return to Earth in time for his birthday on Christmas.

In a surprise press conference, the Prince of Peace said, “I talked it over with Dad, and it just felt like the right time to go in and clean things up. Humans have had a pretty good run, and we need to clear some space for the cyborg cockroaches we’ve been working on. We were hoping you’d take yourselves out with Covid and climate change, but it was just going too slowly.”

Jesus' return to Earth has been eagerly anticipated for over two thousand years, since He achieved fame for his miracles and later as the first known person to rise from the dead post-crucifixion.

Following His early career successes, He retreated from the spotlight to move back in with His parents, and since then has made only rare public appearances on pancakes and Walmart receipts.

The Son of Man noted that He had big plans for the upcoming event. “The first time around it was pretty low-key. We had a few angels singing but no one noticed except some sheep and that little dude with the bongos.

“This time around we’re pulling out all the stops to give everyone an interesting Christmas. Fiery rain, armies of angels, aerial dragon fights, the whole nine yards.

“We've also booked a very special guest for half-time. I don’t want to say too much and ruin the surprise, but I can tell you that he really likes the number 666.”

The Messiah spoke briefly to the so-called Rapture, when many Christians are expecting to be lifted bodily into Paradise, avoiding years of tribulation.

“Firstly, the Rapture was never supposed to be a thing. I love Paul, but he was pretty drunk when he wrote that, and he never vetted it with anyone in Heaven.

“We thought about doing it for the fans but when we ran the numbers it didn’t make sense. The bar is pretty high, and with Nelson Mandela already up here, it didn’t seem worthwhile just for Dolly Parton and Jimmy Carter.

“Instead, to save time we‘ll dump everyone straight into the Lake of Fire to start their eternal torment right after the show. Hey, what did you expect, you nailed me to a cross. Merry Me-mas, everyone!”

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