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Musk, Bezos, Branson Announce Penis-Measuring Initiatives
Multi-billion-dollar projects expected to increase market penetration
Billionaires Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Branson held a joint press conference today at Amazon headquarters in Seattle to announce that they would be launching separate and completely unrelated projects to measure the human penis.
Musk said of his initiative, dubbed Project Urinal Peeper, that the field of penis length is an important field of science that has never been properly explored. “It’s insane that we’re on the verge of sending a man to Mars, and yet we still have no way of accurately understanding the size of his penis,” he said. “I intend to rectify that oversight.”
Bezos noted that since he was a young boy he’s been interested in penis length, and plans to operate a separate educational initiative so that children can follow the progress of his Operation MasterWang in real-time. “I think this will be of interest not just to boys but to everyone, especially the older kids.”
Branson, who expects to launch a new subsidiary, Virgin DcK, by mid-2024, noted that the benefits of such research go far beyond satisfying the curiosity of individuals. “Technology that allows the measurement of a male organ to the nanometre regardless of its state will have all kinds of applications. NATO has already expressed interest in using the tools that we develop to inspire a competitive spirit among the various national forces.“
Bezos also noted that future phases of his project could include ultra-accurate testicle sizing. “We talk a lot about big balls, but we need to be able to prove it,” said the Executive Chairman of Amazon.
“If all goes well,” said Musk, “the dream is to go beyond simple measurement, and into actual junk enlargement.”
All three billionaires said they planned to be the first test subjects for their respective initiatives and that while it was too early to draw any conclusions, each felt certain that the results would “surprise” the public.
