NEVER STOP LEARNING
So You’re Old and You Want to Learn How To Sext
Following up on my dick pic of last Tuesday
Many people, which is to say a single Twitter follower who is a bot, have urged me to write more guides to love and sex for the advanced in years, because I have no idea what I’m talking about which is the very soul of comedy.
Sexting is simply the application of pornography to personal messaging. Once the domain of the young and nimble-fingered, thanks to Covid lockdowns, work from home, and general sloth, sexting has become popular amongst people of all sexual ages, orientations, and proclivities.
So stretch out your gnarled talons, slip on your textin’ mittens, and let’s get started.
What kind of gear do I need?
Just a device and an app to sext on. If you’re still slinging a turn-of-the-century Nokia that requires multiple button presses for each letter (yes, Gen Z-ers, that was a real thing), you’ll want an upgrade.
You can use a laptop, but a mobile device provides more flexibility to sext in bars, waiting rooms, airplanes, etc. Be aware that excessive enthusiasm in public environments could lead to pointing, shouting, and arrest.
How do I find a partner?
The first thing you need is to seek out a suitable partner — or partners —ready to exchange lascivious bon mots online. If you don’t mind being catfished you won’t have any trouble finding someone on a dating app.
Should I mind being catfished? It sounds sexy.
How old are you?
On the one hand, it’s all fantasy anyway so what difference does it make if you’re talking to a Swiss lingerie model or a fifty-year-old dude rubbing one out in the bathroom of a Jakarta Starbucks?
On the other hand, I find authenticity helps me loathe myself less but that’s a personal decision. However, as a catfishee you will almost certainly be asked for money at some point which is a real boner-assassin.
Important note on finding your online sex mate
If you are sending filthy messages and not receiving any in return, that is not sexting it is harassment and you should stop.
Ok, I’ve got someone real. What’s next?
As with any relationship, the sextual interaction is a delicate dance and you must explore and learn each other’s style and taste.
Your newfound partner may be aroused by coarse unequivocal language like “I want to fuck your brains out,” or prefer something more sophisticated, for example, “All nature rejoices as my proud column of Mars begs entrance to your dew bedecked grotto of Venus.”
Mixing up styles can make it more exciting, but avoid introducing tentacle porn or diaper fantasies too early.
The important thing is to find a rhythm and tone that will carry you both to the ecstasy you signed up for.
I just typed “I want to sex you up” and they replied “OOOOHHH!” and now I don’t know where to go from here.
You don’t seem very smart but I’m going to help you anyway.
Sexting is all about storytelling. If you begin at the point of insertion then follow up with two thrusts and a virtual Marlboro, you’re wasting everyone’s time.
Start your date back at the imaginary restaurant, play a little crotch footsie, then stop off in the park for a quick mutual feel on the way back to your love den. Once you get there, remember that it’s fantasy so you don’t have to describe the raccoon-sized dust bunnies and piles of moldering laundry which actually surround you.
If you’re not very literate, keep a browser tab open with a thesaurus so you don’t run out of interesting words for “suck” and “fornicate.” It sucks engaging someone who sounds like a Google home mini asked to conjugate the f-verb. “I am fucking you, this is such a fun fuck, do you like to fucking fuck, fuck yes.”
Use the active voice. “I/you are doing the thing” is far hotter than “I/you are having the thing done to us.”
As with any text conversation, you may occasionally get out of sync:
Person 1: “I’m bending you over the kitchen table, your pants around your ankles”
Person 2: “I pour a glass of Chardonnay, and offer it to you”
In such a case, it’s polite to align to the less risque scenario, as that participant clearly needs more foreplay to get where they’re trying to go.
They’ve asked me to send pics or video— what do I do now?
I’ve covered this ground elsewhere, but you can never talk too much about the pros and cons of projecting your reproductive apparatus into cyberspace.
It’s fine if you’re comfortable with it and feel that more visual stimulation is in order. A couple of points:
— As with all sex stuff, consent matters. Make sure everyone is on board before swapping genitalia. Figuratively speaking.
— Check the recipient twice before hitting “send”. You don’t want to have to write an apologetic email to a coworker headed “Re: My dick pic of last Tuesday.”
— Keep your face and the Richard Marx tattoo you got in the eighties out of the shot so you can’t be identified when your middle-aged parts turn up on Pornhub (search term: granny_grandpa_solo).
— Observe the trend towards good grooming. Receiving the response “I didn’t know you had a Lhasa Apso!” is not sexy.
Am I supposed to orgasm?
Do whatever you want, but generally that’s the endgame. The question is when.
If you’re a two-handed texter, wrapping things up during the chat will be a challenge, as you’ll have to put the device down to service yourself. Even if you’re adept at single-hand texting, it’s a little like patting your head and rubbing your stomach in a circular motion at the same time — technically possible but probably not worth the effort.
Better, in my opinion, to work yourself into an appropriate state of lather and then close the deal on your own. You can exchange compliments later.
Are there group sex chats?
I had to Google this and learned that group sex chats exist but they are sad and uninteresting, like all group chats but with pornography.
Thanks for all that great info!
You’re welcome, a lot of it is made up. Now go out and flourish in the dystopian new world of sex and relationships!
