KICKING IT OLD SCHOOL
Relearning How To Do Sex After Your Marriage Ends
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So after a dozen years of marriage which ended in a shambles of recriminations and sexlessness, you’ve decided to put your pudgy bitter self back on the market.
You may be wondering, will I ever find someone willing to have sex with me? Do I even want to?
Fortunately, I’m here with answers to all your questions. Except for those two, I don’t have answers to those.
How to meet people
Should I go online? The most common place to find a pal with benefits is on dating sites. I’ve written about this elsewhere but fortunately I’ve acquired new wisdom to share.
If you’re a woman looking for strictly casual sex with men, you’re in luck. My contacts tell me that women of a certain age are often approached by younger men seeking a relationship stripped down to basic physical components. Yes, ladies, it’s fuckboy heaven out there.
Unhappily, guys, my own experience teaches that you will not be swarmed by decades-younger women eager to benefit from your Viagra and years of experience.
If it should occur, there may be a remunerative expectation. There’s nothing wrong with this type of arrangement between consenting adults, but ensure your mutual understanding is aligned before proceeding to the moist collision of parts.
Anything I should look out for? Yep. Some red flags in an online profile:
— Profiles without pictures, or with “Shutterstock” watermarks.
— Angry lists of things the prospective date refuses to endure. “You must NOT drive electric car, or have cat, or dishonest face, or poorly groomed crotchal area. Those are DEALBREAKERS.”
— Anyone who says they’re hilarious but whose profile is devoid of humour.
— Certain self-descriptive adjectives, including ruthless, flatulent, and Dickensian.
Can I find love outside the internet? Yes, but forget the gym and the grocery store. Post-Covid there are only two places to meet a lover.
The first one is bars. Before Photoshop, people used booze to make themselves attractive, and it still works today. Find places that are age-appropriate so people don’t think it’s some kind of TikTok prank when you chat them up.
The second place to find carnal partners is the workplace, where shared misery can lead to hot, despair-fueled sex in the swag closet. On-the-job affairs aren’t as popular as they used to be, but can still work if you’re willing to have the salacious details of your love life stored in an HR database for future lawsuits.
Now you’ve met someone
How long should we wait to have sex? About five minutes. You’re old and haven’t got a lot of time left. Remember to check the best-before date on the condoms that sat in a drawer for the last three years of your marriage.
Is there anything new in sex I should know about? Probably. Due to the ubiquity of porn, people today have a greater diversity of intimate tastes than previous generations. You don’t have to do it all, but you should be open-minded, especially if you’re dating younger. “Ass-eating” is what it sounds like.
Will my sexual skills be up to par? Good God, no. Your failed marriage will have seen to that. But by the time your partner realizes that it will be too late.
Still, practice makes perfect so keep trying.
What about orgies? Definitely. Do you want to be thinking “I wish I’d tried an over-the-hill multi-ethnic group frolic but I never did” just before they unplug the life support? Of course not.
There are two things you don’t want to be at an orgy.
The first is the least attractive person there. It’s dispiriting when orifices are being licked and penetrated everywhere and you’re just standing with a hopeful expression and your grim, shriveled nether parts on display while everyone avoids catching your eye.
Paradoxically, you also don’t want to be the best-looking orgiast. While it’s flattering to know that everyone in attendance wants a piece of your firm, supple buttocks, eventually you’ll look around and wonder why you’re fucking such ugly people.
What else do I need to know? Set your standards lower than you think you should have to.
More bad advice:
