HUMOR
Achieve Your Online Dating Goals Now
If you’re not having sex the internet is here to help you
Before the internet, there weren’t a lot of choices for finding a relationship. Either you met at the pig auction and then slept with a bundling board between you for seven months, or were married off to a stranger to solidify your family alliance with the Duchy of Aquitaine.
Nowadays, however, the internet provides myriad tools to meet a partner. Herewith some tips on how to use them to best advantage.
On building your profile
Describe yourself accurately; no one likes a catfish. However, you may add one inch to your height or subtract up to three years from your age, as minor variances are assumed.
Be clever. If this is not within your powers, be succinct.
On posting photos
Use flattering images, but they should bear at least a passing resemblance to the current you. Otherwise you run the risk of your date shouting “Good God no!” and fleeing when you identify yourself, which is hard on the ego.
On swiping
You will be tempted to play the numbers game and swipe right on everything you see. This is a mistake. You may end up confusing yourself with multiple correspondences, or becoming depressed when no one responds at all.
On banter
Once you’ve made contact, online banter is key. Be witty but not manic, intelligent but not condescending, loquacious but not overbearing.
Be sensitive to the signals with regard to sexting. Starting too early may make you look disturbingly single-minded, while not joining in when they’ve already fired the starting gun may be perceived as disinterest. Flirtatious but not pornographic is a good starting point.
On sending pictures of your genitalia to a potential partner
Only by mutual agreement. This cannot be stressed enough. If your friendship has proceeded to the level where a request is made and accepted, remember to groom appropriately and use flattering lighting. If you are male, some correspondents may appreciate a banana or can of Coke Zero for scale.
On your first date
Once you’ve decided to meet, do it as soon as possible. What feels like a romantic connection over chat may translate into awkward silence or even visceral dislike in person. No one knows why, so in this case just cut your losses early.
On having sex for the first time
If the date goes well it may lead to a physical relationship, the nature and timing of which will depend on the participants. Should you require use of any particular tools or techniques to achieve satisfaction, common courtesy mandates discussion in advance.
On your partner’s equipment being not precisely as you expected
A first sexual encounter will bring surprises. Should your new partner possess items that are more, less, or simply different from what you expected, it is polite to state “How delightful!” and inquire how this may best be incorporated into the unfolding tryst.
On being ghosted
You’re not everyone’s cup of tea.
On encountering a former lover online
Resist the temptation to say “I see you still can’t find anyone either” which will just be awkward for all concerned.
On vowing to quit online dating forever
At some point you will delete all your apps in frustration. Later you will download them again. This will become a familiar cycle.
If you liked this, you may also find joy in this story: