NOT ON TEAM EDWARD

I’m a Conservative Vampire and I Can’t Make Friends in the Pacific Northwest

All the blood-suckers here are stuck-up preppies

Dear Advice Advisor;

Long-time reader, first time writing in.

I’m a traditional vampire — Transylvania represent! —who just moved to a small town in the Pacific Northwest. I came here mostly because I heard it was vamp-friendly and had a great undead community.

However, I don’t seem to be fitting in well, and to be blunt, the locals are snobs and bigots.

For starters, I’ve always rocked an old-school Nosferatu look, and everyone here looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model. Not too terrifying, IMO, but I’m a live and let live kind of dude. I haven’t had hair since Louis XVI, so I made a wig out of horsehair — a Harry Styles kind of thing —because when in Rome, right?

Anyway, I wore it to a get-together at the fancy-ass house where they all live, and they were laughing at me behind my back. Grandpa Vlad raised me to be polite so I pretended not to notice and acted like I was enjoying the sheep blood they served. Animal blood is pretty low-rent where I come from, but they said it was artisanally crafted in small batches, like that was some kind of big deal.

In spite of this, I invited everyone to a party at my crypt a couple of weeks later. They all said they were “busy” —playing baseball, fighting werewolves, taking teenage humans to prom — but I know they look down on me. I came up around rats and cobwebs, and I don’t appreciate being judged for it.

The hardest part is that they all go outside when it’s cloudy, and even in the sun they just get a little sparkly, which makes them even prettier. If I’m dayside for more than thirty seconds my skin starts to smoke, and after about five minutes I burst into flames. I’m not sure if it’s some kind of moisturizer they use or what.

This hasn’t been a great experience so far, but I’d really like to make it work. I don’t want to haul a coffin full of dirt back across the country, and frankly the realtor fees are killing me.

Please help!

SadVampInTheRain

Dear SVITR;

I’m sorry for your problems — it’s hard starting over at the best of times.

It sounds like you’ve been making all the effort and no one has been willing to meet you halfway. The first thing to ask yourself is whether these are the kinds of creatures you want to be friends with anyway.

If you really want to give it another try, remember that it’s hard to insert yourself into a group dynamic that’s been working for hundreds of years.

I’d suggest inviting one of them out for a murder-hang, and getting to know them one-on-one so they can bring you into the crew. Laughing maniacally while dancing in the spurting blood of a helpless victim is a great way to break the ice and make a new pal.

The other option is to look around for friends who share more of your interests — other conservative vampires, or human psychopaths and serial killers. Your best bet there would be Tinder.

Good luck!

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