RUNNING A TIGHT SHIP

We Will Not Be Boosting This Story

For these ten obvious reasons

There are ten obvious reasons Medium will not be boosting this piece you are about to read.

Let’s give the reasons why from the perspective of the discerning nommers and boosters that hold the golden boost keys:

1. It’s got ‘boost’ in the title. Game over. Leave Medium out of your stories. Although we are not the CCP, we are touchy about our brand.
2. It was written by Carlo Zeno. Go check out his wall and you’ll see what we mean. His last five titles alone are enough to make any booster run for the hills.
3. It’s a listicle. Listicles are so yesterday. We get that counting from one to ten is an achievement…if you are five years old.
4. It mentions ‘Medium.’ Same as the writer’s last five stories. Might as well be treason.
5. It’s a satire. We say that “we welcome humor” but we really don’t like satires on Medium. Frankly we don’t understand them. And we certainly won’t be embarrassing ourselves and risking our reputation by boosting these strange specimens to a larger global audience.
6. There is a kind of pleasure in not boosting pieces. Like watching caged artists starve at a circus*. If that makes us sadistic, then so be it.
7. We’ve got a reputation to protect. We want human-centered stories. Writers who write about Medium are not human.
8. We can only boost so many pieces. If we boost this piece, we won’t be able to boost heartfelt human tear-jerkers such as “How I Evolved And Forgave My Mother For Giving Birth To Me.”
9. You wrote this garbage for All About M, a publication whose founder had the temerity to poke fun at the CEO’s fetish for horse stall mats. We boosters and nommers know who butters our bread and will not be rewarding subversive and rebellious behavior.
10. Do you really need any more reasons? We won’t be boosting this crap. Crumple it up and throw it in the meta-Medium garbage bin.

© Carlo Zeno 2024

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*See Franz Kafka’s short story, The Hunger Artist.

Check out more unboosted meta-Medium trash specimens from these insolent sinners below:

Annie Trevaskis:

Matthew Clapham:

Patrick Eades:

Debdutta Pal:

Nikolaos Skordilis:

Toya Qualls-Barnette:

Nancy Santos:

Zivah Avraham:

Edward Swafford:

Christine D Richardson:

Steffany Ritchie:

Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) 😬:

Marsha Adams:

Robert Gowty:

Kim Slemint:

And last but never least, Ann James:

That’s all I’ve got. Thank you, Smillew.