WORLD NEWS, ENTERTAINMENT
Vladimir Putin Desperately Tries to Increase Birth Rate by Spreading Heinous Tales of Lothario Tom Sandoval
Vladiput Rules
Reality television is ruining the world. Not by making us dumber, but by making our enemies stronger.
Russian leader Vladimir Putin is no stranger to leaning on American media to bolster country morale. Originally, the Kremlin broadcasted Tucker Carlson Tonight to improve the country’s pro-war sentiment. Unfortunately for them, Carlson left Fox News after his lies nearly bankrupted the company. Russia state media networks tried to hire Carlson to lead their news division, but failed after Carlson set his sights on bigger aspirations: leading Iran as a religious figure.
Pissed that their propaganda puppet passed on Putin, the police proceeded to persecute private paramilitary pawns.
That’s what Wagner mercenary chief Yevgeny Prigozhin told us. Who knew this man loved alliteration?
Putin’s former ally claimed that Russian troops bombed his army on June 23, 2023. Prigozhin then rallied his militia to invade Moscow for an invasion. Putin rushed to the teleprompter to beg Prigozhin for forgiveness.
“Please, Yevgeny! You have to believe me! We aimed at Iran for stealing Carlson from us, but accidentally hit your troops instead!
“If there’s anyone to blame, it’s North Korea. They gave us faulty missiles. Their product was so poor that we accidentally bombed Moscow while trying to fire at Ukraine. We had to surrender the Ukraine War as a result!”
Realizing that Putin is an idiot, Prigozhin abandoned his invasion a day later. He fled to Belarus, vowing to take down the moronic mother for murdering millions of Moscow’s men.
We reached out to Putin’s top advisor, Vladislav Surkov, for a comment. Surkov beamed.
“Putin sacrificed thousands of Russian troops and civilians on his careless mistakes. His popularity is at an all-time low. He’s so relieved that Prigozhin abandoned the crusade. Putin has very few men to fight Russia’s Civil War.
“Now, he can go back to increasing the country’s birth rate. Russia lost enough men as it is. We need to increase the population to replenish our army to fight Ukraine once again!”
We asked Surkov how Putin plans to do that. It would take Putin 180,000 months to birth all the soldiers that died in the war.
“We need to broadcast reality television! Russia is hooked on this brainless trash! Watching more seasons of Vanderpup Rules will increase the nation’s birthrate and create stronger men!”
We asked Surkov how a show about restaurant workers masquerading as D-list actors will create a genetically stronger population. Surkov looked at us puzzled.
“Vanderpup Rules cast member Tom Sandoval was caught cheating on his wife with a bimbo! It’s a scandal that the whole world can’t stop talking about! Every American newspaper can’t go a day without mentioning Scandoval!
“We were busy fighting a war to follow up on the news, and we STILL know this scandal happened. How on earth do you not know this? Have you been living in the caves with al-Qaeda?”
Surkov paused.
“But I digress. There are two things humans are excellent at for survival: fighting wars and gossiping.
“Psychologist Frank McAndrew even confirmed that we need gossip as much as we need water. It’s a social skill that helped generations survived over time. Studies have shown that people who fascinated at private lives of other people did better than people who didn’t. Those genes got passed down to us, and we now have a population who can’t stop minding other peoples’ businesses.
“It makes sense, doesn’t it? American conservatives outlasted the liberals through butting in other people’s affairs on ‘achieving salvation.’ You don’t think there are more Republicans than Democrats? Then how on earth did fake gossiper Donald Trump win the presidential election in 2017? Checkmate, libtards!
“We broadcast Scandoval repeatedly, we get the Russians distracted from Putin’s errors. Soon, our people will survive longer and increase the birth rate within the next 20 years. By then, we’ll have a huge army to take down Ukraine AND North Korea for making fools of us!”
We asked Surkov why he couldn’t broadcast the life of Kanye West. West is notorious for finding controversial ways to be in the spotlight. His mental instability got so out of control that Putin created a conservatorship to keep him in check.
If anything, Russians can benefit more from watching West and Putin spiral out of control than watch Sandoval find 18-year old girls to sleep with.
Surkov smirked.
“Watching mentally ill people survive gets boring after a while. There’s just too much stupidity in one session. No one gets smarter from watching Spongebob Squarepants on repeat.
“Watching competent people behave like idiots is far more rewarding. Every time they fuck up, they come up with a new reason to justify their recurring mistake. It’s so fascinating to see their mental gymnastics just to portray themselves as saints. It’s like watching Marjorie Taylor Greene explain why her Muslim genocide is protected under the Constitution.
“The cast of Vanderpup Rules is full of these average folks. It’s every season of cast members dating and cheating on each other. All for 15 seconds of fame. The cast claims they are as close as a family. Their inbreeding implies their family is from Alabama.
“We are average folk who refuse to compare ourselves to the mentally ill. We compare ourselves to others who are the same, or better, than us. When we see them fail, we can stroke our moral compasses and take pride that we are better than them. We can pass this intelligence to our offspring and raise a far more competent generation!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Thanks for reading!
If you want to read and laugh more, visit The Haven’s homepage.
If you want to read more of my work, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.
If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.
Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.
