TECHNOLOGY, ENTERTAINMENT
Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes Stalls Her Jail Sentence By Hiring Dwarf Actors To Portray Her Kids
Low-Life and the Seven Dwarfs
Some people want kids to carry on their bloodline. Others want kids to have physical proof that they fuck their significant others. Disgraced Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes has kids so she can avoid going to jail.
The woman who found an alternate method to channel Steve Jobs’s “Reality Distortion Field” requested a delay in her 11-year prison sentence start because she just gave birth to a second kid. Holmes’s prison sentence start date was originally delayed because she was about to give birth to her first kid. Holmes’s strategy of repopulating the nation to avoid prison was so creative that TLC asked if she could star in their show 9 years from now: 11 Kids and Counting.
Holmes’s transition from Steve Jobs to Jill Duggar was widely panned. U.S. District Judge Edward Davila raised an eyebrow when Holmes once again requested a prison start date delay.
“Elizabeth Holmes is once again requesting leniency for maternity leave. I’m not sure why she thinks prison is a punishment. If I really wanted to torture her, I’d sentence her to house arrest in Theranos’s headquarters.
“This timing is too convenient for Holmes. I doubt she can give birth to another kid that fast. 39-year old women struggle to conceive! You’re telling me she gave two clean births back to back? I smell bullshit!”
We reached out to Davila to ask why she believed Holmes would lie about her birth of two kids.
“You’re asking the wrong questions, my dear. You should be asking, why would Holmes ever tell the truth?
“Holmes’s track record of lying is so long that I believe she’s George Santos in disguise!
“She inflated revenues and claimed sponsors who never worked with Theranos. She ordered employees to delete erroneous test results to inflate device accuracy. Her devices didn’t do as promised, and misdiagnosed many terminally ill patients! Theranos was on track to killing more people than Travis Scott’s Astroworld!
“This bitch even had the balls to tell investors that Theranos blood tests were sold in Afghanistan. Even though this wasn’t true! Not the first time an American lied about hazardous objects being deployed in Afghanistan.
“This woman has defrauded healthcare investors for the sake of being on TIME magazine. She fabricated blood test results to raise funding for her defective devices. Did she think she was expecting after getting positive signals from Thernos pregnancy tests?
“Holmes has scammed so many shareholders that we thought she ran Enron. Wait, her uncle worked there? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?
“Holmes denied fraud so much that she can run for the Republican ticket for president. Her lawyers claim that mistakes and abuses made during her trial should overturn her conviction. Except there were no mistakes! They’re parroting misinformation! Who is Holmes’s legal team? A one man puppet show orchestrated by Rudy Giuliani?”
We asked Davila how Holmes could even lie about having biological kids. Davila smirked.
“Who even said they’re biological? They could be two dwarf actors to play as them. Holmes already hired one to represent her legal defense. No surprise that the former Mayor of New York has connections to the small people industry.
“Guess what? An audit revealed that Holmes listed $250,000 as an unknown expense on the income statement. Further tracing showed that she paid that money to dwarf actor Peter Dinklage.
“We reached out to Dinklage why Holmes hired him. Dinklage stated that he desperately needed a role after Game of Thrones ended. Dinklage wanted to win an Oscar after Holmes’s offered him the role as her child.”
We reached out to Holmes to comment. Holmes denied.
“I just see a woman trying to tear a successful woman down. It’s unfortunate that society pitted two hardworking women against each other. My children are as real as my accomplishments.
“Even if I did scam my customers, so what? I’ve met the criteria to run as a Republican in politics. A man like Donald Trump can scam his clients by selling his urine as means to get rich.
“How come he gets elected as president while I get sent to jail? This is some sexist bullshit.”
Holmes vowed to fight back these “heinous allegations” against her by coming up with a new legal defense. After advise from Giuliani, Holmes claimed that she can prove that she didn’t hire dwarf actors. Homes then revealed that her faulty Theranos blood kits can also detect whether her prosecutors are telling lies in court.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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