Toxic Relationships — Narcissistic Parents and Grandparents.
Limit contact and set boundaries for the sake of your children.
Narcissistic abuse is emotionally and physically draining, particularly for a developing child, leading to PTSD, CPTSD, personality disorders, digestive dysfunction, heart disease, and much more.
Narcissistic parents and grandparents care about nothing else but themselves. Their children and grandchildren are used to mask their inadequacies or support their false image of “good parents and grandparents.”
“[Narcissists have] a compulsive need to be better than others, presumably as a defense against underlying feelings of inadequacy.” — Eunike Wetzel and Richard W. Robins.
Adult children of narcissistic parents who are aware of their parent's toxic behaviors will often choose to limit the contact their narcissistic parents have with their children, or they will go no contact and protect their children for life.
Somehow my children's narcissistic paternal grandmother is kept from her three other grandchildren, who are almost ten years older than my children, so this was going on well before discovering the dysfunction myself. The parents of those estranged children are my heroes, if it wasn’t for their stance I wouldn’t have known the extent of the problem.
What is a Narcissist?
Narcissism is a term many people use to describe those who are noticeably arrogant and self-serving. However, narcissists under the vulnerable category go to extraordinary measures to hide their arrogance and self-serving nature, so it can take some time and wits to uncover their true character.
Studies show children of covert (vulnerable) narcissists are at greater risk of CPA (child physical abuse) than children of overt (grandiose) narcissists.
Although covert and overt narcissistic exploitativeness and entitlement increased the risk of physical abuse, a regression analysis of all factors found that covert narcissism alone predicted CPA.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is one of 10 personality disorders in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) as outlined below:
DSM-5 Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
- Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
- Requires excessive admiration.
- Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectation of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).
- Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
- Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes.
There is a range of personality disorders that fall under the same cluster. The following stories compare toxic relationships with narcissists and other cluster B personality disorders.
How does Narcissism affect children?
Narcissistic parents and grandparents paint a picture of perfection in their families but behind the scenes, the children suffer long-term mental and potentially physical abuse at the hands of their ‘perfect parents’.
Children in narcissistic families tend to fall into one of three categories: the scapegoat child takes all the blame for the faults of the family, most especially those of the narcissist; the golden child is compliant and is put up on a pedestal, used as an example to the scapegoat child and any other children in the family; and the runner wises up and eventually runs.
Amanda Robins discusses why the Golden Child isn’t the best option in the following story:
Ten Signs of a narcissistic parent include:
- Constantly needs the conversation to be about them.
- Immature and selfish behavior.
- Brags about your achievements to others but rarely supports you emotionally, validates or acknowledges you.
- Blames others for any problems you may have that stem from their behavior.
- Well-liked and/or important to others, but controlling and harsh when no one is looking.
- Makes you feel bad for not doing what they want immediately.
- Makes you feel guilty by boasting about how much they have done for you.
- Harshly opinionated at home but puts up a front for people.
- Ruthless and unforgiving, doing anything to be on top.
- Makes you feel anxious and often lowers your confidence.
The Golden children of narcissists are more likely to end up with narcissistic traits; their sense of self doesn’t match up with reality, they have high expectations of entitlement, and have difficulty functioning independently.
Children who are scapegoated lose their sense of self and have an increased risk of low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, suicide, and difficulties maintaining healthy relationships.
Runner children who become aware and accept that they were abused have a better chance of enjoying an abuse-free life. Runner children learn about love and healthy behaviors in the real world, they set boundaries around dysfunctional behaviors, and have a good eye for manipulation.
How to protect your children.
Researchers found that psychoeducation, or education about mental illnesses and personality disorders, for children and their caregivers is the best treatment for children and adults who have suffered narcissistic abuse.
These 3 steps can also help you to protect your children from the effects of narcissistic abuse:
- Limit time.
2. Set boundaries.
3. Take it to Family Court.
It’s short because that’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself, your children, and even the narcissists; be clear and direct, and when they don’t follow the rules you set for the safety of your children, take serious action. Your children’s safety should always be your priority; you are not responsible for adults who don’t know how to behave.
The following story outlines tactics of toxic parents and how to respond:
When you’ve exhausted all options and Family Court orders court supervision for the narcissistic parents and grandparents, there’s a good chance they’ll eventually stop turning up to visits.
This story discusses what to do when parents stop turning up to court-supervised visits.
Thank you to Heather C Holmes for the inspiration to write this story after reading her short story about dinner with narcissistic grandparents.
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