Toxic Relationships — Narcissist or Borderline?

The differences between two similar personality disorders.

Finding out you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist is like becoming a member of an exclusive club you didn’t want to join.

If you’re still in the relationship it's likely you’ve done all the research; recognized the process (the grooming, devaluing, discarding, and hoovering), traits and tactics (lack of empathy, need for admiration, lying, manipulating), and felt the effects of abuse (hypervigilance, confusion, loss of a sense of self, isolation).

Once you’re in it, you just know, as Suzanna Quintana Author of “You’re Still That Girl: Get over Your Abusive Ex for Good!” points out, diagnosis or not, if they’re “…checking all the boxes” for narcissism, there’s your proverbial walking duck.

You might have found other disorders that share similar traits, narcissism and borderline are two of four personality disorders in the dramatic B cluster, also including histrionic and antisocial personality disorders.

You’ll often find people in forums discussing similarities with personality disorders and ADHD, Aspergers, Autism, and TBI. Despite some co-occurring traits, there are considerable differences and I’ve included links to the above for further research. The overriding theme is that the disorder causing the most severe symptoms and dysfunction should be the focus of treatment.

“… the more severe disorder should be treated first according to evidence-based guidelines.”

My father was diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia so my initial instincts told me I was in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder. Indications of schizophrenia during a narcissistic rage such as delusional thinking and incessant senseless speech weren’t frequent or random enough to suspect schizophrenia.

The easiest way to identify the difference between a mood disorder such as bipolar and a personality disorder such as narcissism is by looking at what affects their moods.

Changes in mood from depressive to manic can occur for no specific reason for someone with bipolar disorder, however, changes in mood occur due to relationship needs for people with personality disorders, i.e. a bipolar elated mood occurs for no reason whereas an elated narcissist is putting on a show either to impress new supply or depress old supply.

Looking specifically at Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), both share the same fears of abandonment, lack of empathy, need for admiration, and unstable interpersonal relationships due to manipulative and controlling behaviors.

NPD’s and BPD’s both stem from intense insecurity and loss of identity causing instability and rages. While NPD’s have a deep sense of low self-esteem, they do not feel the deep sense of shame and the thoughts that they are not ‘good people’ that BPD’s experience.

A person with BPD seeks love for security whereas a person with NPD seeks love for attention. I find it helps to distinguish their intentions and reactions. These differences can be seen in both their anger responses/reactions and how they interact in relationships:

1. Anger Response.

BPD reactions are often more extreme and impulsive to mask low-self esteem and fulfill the need for intimacy and validation, including suicide attempts and risky criminal and sexual behaviors.

NPD reactions can be extreme and impulsive, including suicide attempts and risky behaviors, though tend to be more about attracting attention and manipulating or taking advantage of people not filling their needs and expectations of admiration.

A person with BPD reacts with anger because of a fear of rejection, they may seem fragile and fearful and use silent treatments or tantrums to settle arguments.

A person with NPD reacts with anger because of fear of exposure or threats to their self-esteem and is more manipulative and uses projection or triangulation to settle arguments.

2. Relationship Style.

BPD’s form anxious attachments and can be very accommodating for those they love, though may become clingy and needy and are more likely to end up abandoned because their fears of abandonment and consequent reactions push people away.

NPD’s attach to fulfill their needs of admiration and though will idealize a person for the attention they are more likely to abandon rather than be abandoned because any threats to the relationship and their self-esteem would instill rage rather than fear.

BPD’s rarely enter into therapy, though can remain quite involved in therapy if they choose to do so. A person with BPD can either under or over-identify with a therapist, forming a stronger bond with their therapist than is normally comfortable.

NPD’s rarely enter into therapy unless legally required to or they’ve experienced significant distress from not receiving the admiration they believe they’re entitled to. Though they can be charming and may even idealize therapists, people with NPD frequently disregard or discontinue treatment if their grandiose expectations are not met.

We can all be difficult to love and live with, throw in extreme pervasive traits and difficulty becomes toxic. So, whether you’re struggling to live with someone with these traits or you’re struggling to live with these traits, keep reading and researching, and seek professional help.

There are therapists from many backgrounds who dedicate their lives to helping people in your situation, ask your GP or check the local pages for recommended mental health professionals.

Best of luck:)

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