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Abstract

eel like you’re living with Jekyll and Hyde, never knowing who’s going to walk in the door at the end of the day.</p><h2 id="0e10">3. Do narcissists ever change?</h2><p id="cb2e">No. Actually, yes — they get worse. It’s important to understand that a narcissist doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with them. And they love to play the victim. So there is no incentive for them to change, especially if you’ve been sticking around long enough to show them you’ll put up with their abuse. And once a narcissist’s mask slips or falls off entirely and their true self appears, trust me when I say you don’t want to be in the room when that happens.</p><h2 id="a36d">4. How do narcissists choose their targets?</h2><p id="d537">Narcissists look for qualities in others they themselves don’t possess, such as compassion, forgiveness, goodness, and the ability to love. Then they strip these same qualities from their victim in order to feel better about themselves. Narcissists are like vampires. They don’t see a human being, they see a neck to suck dry and once that’s accomplished they’ll move on quickly to the next supply.</p><h2 id="d8f2">5. Can a woman be a narcissist?</h2><p id="ef10">Abso-fricking-lutely. Though <a href="http://www.buffalo.edu/news/releases/2015/03/009.html">studies</a> have shown that overall men tend to be more narcissistic than women, the damage to a victim by a female narcissist can be just as extreme. Abuse has no gender.</p><h2 id="1a91">6. Does therapy work with a narcissist?</h2><p id="45f8">That would be a big fat juicy NO. The reason? Narcissists don’t think anything is wrong with them. Combine that with their Oscar-worthy performance of playing the victim and you run the risk of being traumatized and victim-blamed by a therapist who isn’t educated on personality disorders (there is an entire generation of therapists and counselors who weren’t trained in NPD so the risk of having a narcissist paint you as the evildoer is very real). Instead, get therapy alone and find a professional who knows their shit so you can get the help you need.</p><h2 id="e3b9">7. How does a narcissist move on so quickly after a relationship?</h2><p id="3ec4">This is an answer that may break your heart (it certainly did mine all those years ago when I left my abusive marriage to a clinically diagnosed narcissist). The reason a narcissist can move on so quickly to the next supply is because <i>they never loved you</i>. They don’t love their new partner either since they don’t know what love is. Remember, narcissists are like vampires, so they have no problem moving on quickly to the next neck and bleeding it dry.</p><h2 id="4519">8. How do I know if the one I’m with is a narcissist?</h2><p id="7b44">I feel fortunate in that I had a psychologist who was an expert on narcissism diagnose my ex. This gave me the validation I needed to move forward and try to heal after my experience. But the fact is, you don’t need a diagnosis. The label isn’t important. And despite what others may tell you, such as “Leave the diagnosis to the professionals,” you know more than anyone about the person you’re loving or loved. If someone is checking all the boxes of what it means to be a narcissist, then rest assured you already have your answer. Don’t let anyone else dumb you down. Again, a professional diagnosis — while helpful in many ways — is not required to figure out the truth. Because if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck, then it’s a

Options

fucking duck.</p><h2 id="af92">9. Why is healing after narcissistic abuse so hard?</h2><p id="2bc6">I describe healing after a narcissist ripped out your heart and ate it in front of you like being on a rollercoaster. In a washing machine. Set on Spin. The reason it’s so difficult to heal is that narcissistic abuse is incredibly traumatizing. The longer you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, the longer you’ve been subjected to gaslighting, hoovering, intermittent reinforcement, silent treatments, and a ton of other cruel tactics that are designed to tear you down bit by bit until you disappear entirely. So recovering after this is essentially starting from square one after a category five hurricane shattered your entire life as you knew it. But always remember, if you were strong enough to endure the abuse, you are strong enough to heal after it.</p><h2 id="1b79">10. Am I the narcissist?</h2><p id="bfa7">Hallelujah and Amen NO you are not! Otherwise, you wouldn’t even ask that question. Narcissists are incapable of self-reflection so they don’t seek help — or read articles like this — because in their reality there is nothing wrong with them so why should they think about changing? Time for a happy dance to celebrate the good news: You’re not a narcissist!</p><p id="cf3b">After my own experience of surviving narcissistic abuse and finding emotional freedom from my past, it’s been my mission to share everything I’ve learned so someone who is still lost in the darkness can make their way, however slowly, to their place in the light. I know what it’s like to feel all alone and have more questions than answers. I know the devastation and heartbreak that loving a narcissist brings. And I know there is hope at the end of the tunnel because I’m the poster girl for <i>It’s never too late</i> and <i>You’re never too old</i> to move forward into a life you deserve and always dreamed of.</p><p id="8e22">All it takes is your own courage and willingness to see the truth as it really is. This is when we can create a shift and change our circumstances since if we can name the problem, then we can fix the problem.</p><p id="d94d">And as Maya Angelou is famous for saying, <i>Do the best you can until you know better…</i></p><p id="c461"><b><i>Then when you know better, do better.</i></b></p><p id="746c">***</p><p id="328c">Want to get expert help, tips, and strategies on recovering and healing after narcissistic abuse? Then join the thousands who have signed up for what’s basically <i>free coaching in your inbox</i> and receive your <b>Real Love Does Not Abuse</b> poster to remind you of what you truly deserve in a relationship. Plus I’ll tell you how to snag a free copy of my bestselling book, “You’re Still That Girl: Get Over Your Abusive Ex for Good!” <a href="http://www.suzannaquintana.com/">www.suzannaquintana.com</a></p><div id="001f" class="link-block"> <a href="https://www.suzannaquintana.com/"> <div> <div> <h2>Suzanna Quintana</h2> <div><h3>Chances are that you found my website due to some degree of pain and suffering you're enduring because of a current…</h3></div> <div><p>www.suzannaquintana.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*qcfetJu7J9zvq3eb)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Answers to Your Top 10 Questions about Narcissistic Abuse

And no, you’re not crazy. Nor are you alone.

When you first start learning about narcissists and the abuse they inflict it feels like you’re being strapped into a rollercoaster and heading up that first steep climb, totally oblivious to the ride awaiting you on the other side. With each new detail comes a jolt when you realize there is a name for what happened to you and that you’re not alone in your experience.

With each sharp curve the coaster takes you’re met with more information, which seems impossible to process because of the amount overload. Not to mention the misinformation, which is just as prevalent. Then you end up spending countless hours searching for answers when what you should be doing is using that time to recover after what you’ve been through.

This is why I wrote this piece. Because after years of research and compiling information not only from the experts but my own personal experience, I’ve got answers. Boatloads of them.

And what I’ve learned as an abuse recovery coach is that there are ten questions most often asked by those who are either in a relationship with a narcissist or recently out of one and who want to know the truth about what happened to them. Thus, with the goal to save you from spending the obscene amount of time I did in learning about narcissistic abuse, I hope these answers help you find the clarity you need to take those first few steps forward into healing and recovering.

1. Does a narcissist know what they’re doing?

Yes. Hell yes. Infinity times yes. To the moon and back…Yes. Need proof? They act differently behind closed doors than they do out in public. They hide their abuse, which makes them absolutely cognizant of it.

2. What are the warning signs I’m in a relationship with a narcissist?

Narcissists use a variety of tactics to lure their victims into their web, beginning with love-bombing the hell out of them (moving the relationship along quickly at the start so they can hook you before their mask slips). They will put you on a pedestal when you first get together and later will knock you off of it by attacking you for the exact same traits they used to adore you for. Gaslighting is another common tool a narcissist uses to make you think you’re the crazy one. Projection is another, which convinces you that you’re the one with the problem. A narcissist will also be able to turn their emotions off like a switch and will cross any line to hurt you…on purpose (as covered in answer #1). You’ll also feel like you’re living with Jekyll and Hyde, never knowing who’s going to walk in the door at the end of the day.

3. Do narcissists ever change?

No. Actually, yes — they get worse. It’s important to understand that a narcissist doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with them. And they love to play the victim. So there is no incentive for them to change, especially if you’ve been sticking around long enough to show them you’ll put up with their abuse. And once a narcissist’s mask slips or falls off entirely and their true self appears, trust me when I say you don’t want to be in the room when that happens.

4. How do narcissists choose their targets?

Narcissists look for qualities in others they themselves don’t possess, such as compassion, forgiveness, goodness, and the ability to love. Then they strip these same qualities from their victim in order to feel better about themselves. Narcissists are like vampires. They don’t see a human being, they see a neck to suck dry and once that’s accomplished they’ll move on quickly to the next supply.

5. Can a woman be a narcissist?

Abso-fricking-lutely. Though studies have shown that overall men tend to be more narcissistic than women, the damage to a victim by a female narcissist can be just as extreme. Abuse has no gender.

6. Does therapy work with a narcissist?

That would be a big fat juicy NO. The reason? Narcissists don’t think anything is wrong with them. Combine that with their Oscar-worthy performance of playing the victim and you run the risk of being traumatized and victim-blamed by a therapist who isn’t educated on personality disorders (there is an entire generation of therapists and counselors who weren’t trained in NPD so the risk of having a narcissist paint you as the evildoer is very real). Instead, get therapy alone and find a professional who knows their shit so you can get the help you need.

7. How does a narcissist move on so quickly after a relationship?

This is an answer that may break your heart (it certainly did mine all those years ago when I left my abusive marriage to a clinically diagnosed narcissist). The reason a narcissist can move on so quickly to the next supply is because they never loved you. They don’t love their new partner either since they don’t know what love is. Remember, narcissists are like vampires, so they have no problem moving on quickly to the next neck and bleeding it dry.

8. How do I know if the one I’m with is a narcissist?

I feel fortunate in that I had a psychologist who was an expert on narcissism diagnose my ex. This gave me the validation I needed to move forward and try to heal after my experience. But the fact is, you don’t need a diagnosis. The label isn’t important. And despite what others may tell you, such as “Leave the diagnosis to the professionals,” you know more than anyone about the person you’re loving or loved. If someone is checking all the boxes of what it means to be a narcissist, then rest assured you already have your answer. Don’t let anyone else dumb you down. Again, a professional diagnosis — while helpful in many ways — is not required to figure out the truth. Because if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck, then it’s a fucking duck.

9. Why is healing after narcissistic abuse so hard?

I describe healing after a narcissist ripped out your heart and ate it in front of you like being on a rollercoaster. In a washing machine. Set on Spin. The reason it’s so difficult to heal is that narcissistic abuse is incredibly traumatizing. The longer you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, the longer you’ve been subjected to gaslighting, hoovering, intermittent reinforcement, silent treatments, and a ton of other cruel tactics that are designed to tear you down bit by bit until you disappear entirely. So recovering after this is essentially starting from square one after a category five hurricane shattered your entire life as you knew it. But always remember, if you were strong enough to endure the abuse, you are strong enough to heal after it.

10. Am I the narcissist?

Hallelujah and Amen NO you are not! Otherwise, you wouldn’t even ask that question. Narcissists are incapable of self-reflection so they don’t seek help — or read articles like this — because in their reality there is nothing wrong with them so why should they think about changing? Time for a happy dance to celebrate the good news: You’re not a narcissist!

After my own experience of surviving narcissistic abuse and finding emotional freedom from my past, it’s been my mission to share everything I’ve learned so someone who is still lost in the darkness can make their way, however slowly, to their place in the light. I know what it’s like to feel all alone and have more questions than answers. I know the devastation and heartbreak that loving a narcissist brings. And I know there is hope at the end of the tunnel because I’m the poster girl for It’s never too late and You’re never too old to move forward into a life you deserve and always dreamed of.

All it takes is your own courage and willingness to see the truth as it really is. This is when we can create a shift and change our circumstances since if we can name the problem, then we can fix the problem.

And as Maya Angelou is famous for saying, Do the best you can until you know better…

Then when you know better, do better.

***

Want to get expert help, tips, and strategies on recovering and healing after narcissistic abuse? Then join the thousands who have signed up for what’s basically free coaching in your inbox and receive your Real Love Does Not Abuse poster to remind you of what you truly deserve in a relationship. Plus I’ll tell you how to snag a free copy of my bestselling book, “You’re Still That Girl: Get Over Your Abusive Ex for Good!” www.suzannaquintana.com