Toxic Relationships — Narcissist or Histrionic?

How to tell the difference between Narcissistic and Histrionic personality disorders.

Relationships with people who have a cluster B personality disorder are often toxic because these disorders center around drama and unpredictability.

If you’re lucky, you may only have brief acquaintances or friendships with narcissists or histrionics. Both are charming and generous and form friendships quickly, though can become manipulative and controlling and new friends are often used to manipulate others.

The narcissistic friend is full of praise for you when they want something but disappear when you need them while histrionics throw themselves into friendships, helping out and making plans, then become dependent and moody when they’re not constantly attended to.

Self-esteem.

Though Narcissism is named after Narcissus a man who, according to Greek mythology, fell in love with his own image, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) actually have incredibly low self-esteem, putting on an act to disguise the deeper issue.

Similarly, histrionics possess low self-esteem and also create and maintain an image to elicit the esteem they need from the attention of others.

The most obvious difference between people with NPD and HPD is their physical appearance.

Narcissists, while overtly and covertly grandiose, tend not to rely only on sexual attraction to elicit attention and prefer recognition of their greatness as a whole. Although people with NPD do invest in their appearance, they really want to attract their attention covertly through grooming and manipulation rather than overt flirtation.

A person with HPD, however, will be preoccupied with their appearance, obviously flirtatious, overtly sexual, and possibly dressed to attract sexual attention. They’re not as particular as narcissists are about where the attention comes from and can feel significant discomfort from not being the center of attention. A person with NPD believes they are the center of attention but freely relinquishes the ‘center role’ to their current supply, particularly during the grooming phase.

Attention-seeking.

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and those with histrionic personality disorder (HPD) are each likely to have had parents or caregivers who were not attentive or nurturing. Measures for low attentiveness and nurturing included low or no paternal presence, lack of time, attention, communication, supervision, and future aspirations for their child.

Interestingly though, dysfunctional parenting was more strongly associated with the development of HPD in children than it was for NPD.

A parent who is unaffectionate or disinterested gives their child the impression they are not worthy of affection so the child lacks healthy boundaries and a healthy perspective of love, they don’t develop healthy self-esteem and instead pursue “other esteem” or a sense of self-identity and love from others.

This craving for attention leads to NPD’s and HPD’s with partners seeking attention elsewhere when they feel they are not getting the attention they deserve (NPD) and need (HPD).

HPD’s are more likely to be female and are dramatic with very high novelty-seeking behaviors leading to cheating. Sam Vaknin, a therapist with NPD, shares his experiences in a case study of a female histrionic who believes her extreme provocative flirting with other men is not a problem for her husband, instead, she is the victim of his jealousy.

HPD’s are dependent and require constant reassurance becoming abusive when their needs aren’t met, because men are often taught to protect women they can easily fall victim. Unseen Scars, Unheard Voices is a gripping and thorough read about the experience of domestic violence for male victims.

NPDs are more likely male and cheat for attention and as a manipulative tactic to hurt their partners. Bruising a narcissist's ego and sense of entitlement along with signs of abandonment such as challenging their behaviors and suggesting their actions are unacceptable can cause a narcissist to cheat. Dating a Narcissist exposes the tricks of the trade in the game of dating for Narcissists.

Traits & Tactics.

NPD’s and HPD’s differ in the type of attention they want. How that attention is mustered also differentiates NPD’s from HPDs. NPDs can be either overt or covert also called vulnerable and grandiose narcissists.

Whereas, HPD types include variations that describe the traits and methods a histrionic might use to get attention; appeasing, vivacious, tempestuous, disingenuous, theatrical, and infantile.

NPD’s have an overinflated sense of self-importance as an image they maintain to hide the inner turmoil. NPD’s want attention that confirms this grandiose sense of self so expects praise and admiration. Covert types also enjoy pity, thriving off people feeling sorry for them.

HPD’s don’t care whether the attention is good or bad as long as it's attention. They believe that everybody wants them or wants to be them and prefer attention that garners this belief, however, they also believe negative attention is a sign of their superior sexuality, i.e. “she’s jealous of me,” “he’s questioning my behavior because he’s jealous,” “People don’t like me because of my looks.”

When you know, you know.

NPDs can seem confident and genuine, overt narcissists appear overconfident, in front of people that don’t really know them and more cold and impersonal to people they’re already using for supply or those who don’t serve them any value or purpose. People close to Narcissistic supply serve a purpose because they can be used as flying monkeys for triangulation.

HPDs appear confident and showy to people who don’t really know them but are actually needy and demanding to those close to them. While outsiders see the bubbly, excitable, and attentive person, the people close to them know the self-absorbed, disingenuine, and destructive side that will show if they don’t go along with the act.

If you feel you may be in or suffering from the effects of, a toxic relationship follow the links under the following authors, Darlene Lancer and Suzanna Quintana, for books on Narcissism and its effects on relationships.

The differences between a person with NPD and BPD or ASPD may also interest you:

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