Toxic Relationships — Covert Narcissist or Sociopath?

The Defense Tactics of Vulnerable Narcissists and people with Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Covert narcissists and people with anti-social personality disorder (ASPD) are similar in two ways; they pursue people (supply) for their uses and hide false intentions behind a vulnerable image to do it.

Covert (vulnerable) narcissists and sociopaths have increased psychopathology and aggression compared to grandiose narcissists; they apologize and take the blame, in private, so long as that vulnerability keeps the supply in control.

Research published in March of this year suggests grandiose traits are psychopathic rather than narcissistic because grandiose regulatory behaviors reflect a lack of insecurity, whereas their insecurities drive vulnerable narcissists.

“Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists” — Robert D. Hare.

Once narcissists and sociopaths lose control of a supply, that person becomes the target of manipulative tactics such as blame, projection, triangulation, and smear campaigns. Covert narcissists are more likely than a person with ASPD to use rationalization, projection, idealization, and humiliation.

Covert narcissists and sociopaths have a history of volatile romantic friendships and relationships, cycling through the same process and targeting people who can fulfill their need for admiration or deception.

Narcissists and sociopaths are charming, generous, helpful, and full of praise, using grooming tactics such as mirroring, data mining, and gifting. The initial meeting is brief and may even go unnoticed, but by the next meet, they’re your new best friend and have so much to offer you, much less than they’ll take from you in the end.

Never forget that in every study of personality disorders (PD’s), there are people who don’t fit the mold; even twin studies show that two people from the same family, raised in the same homes, can have entirely different outcomes.

“… men with less severe forms of antisocial behavior were more likely to marry than their more antisocial twin. Possibly, severe antisocial symptoms …interfere with forming intimate relationships.” — Donald W. Black.

Another interesting take on antisocial behavior is the pro-social brain. Neuroscientist, James H. Fallon, discusses the pro-social psychopath in his Ted Talk, “Exploring the Mind of a Killer,” below:

If you’ve come out of a relationship with a potential narcissist or sociopath, you will recognize the researched effects:

• Anxiety & Panic Attacks.
• Hypervigilance.
• Trauma bond.
• Dissociation.
• Cognitive dissonance.
• Aggression.
• Disorientation.
• Suicide Ideation.
• CPTSD.

You may also have some of the effects presented in books, forums, and stories from narcissistic abuse victims:

• Extreme anger & disgust — A feeling of anger and distaste toward the abuser and their supporters, even toward people and society in general.
• Struggle with daily tasks — The shame, guilt, and depression make it difficult to exist, let alone eat, bathe, clean the house, and go to work.
• Loss of libido — The effects detailed above can cause a loss of libido, including a general distrust in intimacy.
• Physical and mental aging — Signs of physical and mental aging occur due to constant stress and not looking after oneself, such as memory loss, lack of focus, loss of interest in social activities, weight loss or gain, reduced skin elasticity, hypertension, and even diminished eyesight and hearing.
• Loss of associates, friends and even family — Social isolation and anxiety prevent victims from reaching out. When they do, the lack of knowledge that friends and family have about narcissistic abuse is disconcerting and causes further damage.
• Rapid Heart Rate — Panic attacks and psychosomatic symptoms can result in an irregular and rapid heart rate leading to stress, weight loss, and hypertension.
• Thinking you’re the narcissist — Narcissistic blame and projection make you believe you’re also a narcissist. The abuse is similar or identical to the abuse they suffered, and you begin to identify with the symptoms.

[Narcissistic abuse victims are ] catapulted into a nether land, cult like setting where reality itself dissolves into a continuing nightmare. — Sam Vaknin.

I prefer the term covert to a vulnerable narcissist. I feel like the word vulnerable gives you the impression they’re fragile or innocent. In contrast, covert exposes the hidden nature and is in better contrast to the overt or grandiose narcissist.

Covert narcissists share the same lack of empathy, sense of entitlement, need for admiration, and delusions of grandeur as grandiose narcissists. The covert types differ in that they are shy and more aggressive, dependent, have a stronger need for admiration from others, play the victim, and have increased feelings of inferiority and social inadequacy.

Some researchers consider ASPD a subtype of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) instead of an entirely separate cluster B personality disorder. Further information on the differences between narcissists and sociopaths is available here:

Impulsivity, aggression, deceit, intent to harm, poor employment history, and frequent toxic relationships can differentiate sociopaths from narcissists; however, those factors are stronger in covert narcissists than overt narcissists.

High aggression in covert narcissists relates to frequent and poorly managed depression, anxiety, and frustration. Consequently, covert narcissists and sociopaths can behave similarly in relationships.

The Image.

Victims of narcissistic and sociopathic abuse often state that the person they met initially was not anything like the person they came to know in the end. This is not like the normal changes we see over time in everybody we know more intimately. The narcissistic or anti-social false image can seem like the perfect opposite of the person you know in the end.

Both personality types need to be in relationships, so they are rarely single; even when in relationships, people with NPD and ASPD often cheat.

Each type is prone to infidelity due to their need to fulfill exploitative and novelty-seeking behaviors, a sense of entitlement, and guarantee a supply of attention givers.

A significant difference between the narcissistic and anti-social image in relationships is in the timing.

The narcissistic image is so ingrained in their psyche that it can take time and much narcissistic injury for “the mask to drop.”

The ASPD image is more malleable, and they’re more outwardly aware of themselves and their personality disorder than a person with NPD.

Studies show the more cluster B traits and symptoms a person has, the more reports of verbal aggression and violence incidents they have in relationships. This leads to the suggestion that ASPD’s may be more likely to engage in violent relationships than covert narcissists.

While a sociopath can enjoy stating openly that they feel nothing, even to watch the pain it causes the people who care for them, people with NPD, including the covert types, are more interested in using their false image to gain attention than inflict pain.

Narcissists are inwardly aware of their narcissism and are aware that people soon figure them out; they believe their manipulations and deceptions are more a result of provocation by others than a reality “beneath the mask.”

Narcissists can navigate the world and their relationships seemingly easier than those with ASPD. Although the above traits and the narcissistic tendency to distrust others, in both grandiose and vulnerable types, can cause significant dysfunction in relationships.

Also, covert narcissists score very high in attachment anxiety, so are more extreme and demanding than a sociopath; if a partner tries to leave a covert narcissist, they will likely escalate violence, stalking, and threats of suicide.

The Pursuit.

Covert narcissists and people with ASPD crave attention, are exploitative, lack empathy, and have no regard for the emotions of those they pursue, then eventually discard.

The difference between narcissists and people with ASPD is the former will rush you off to the alter the minute they meet you. At the same time, sociopaths act obsessed, making suggestions of commitment, though rarely follow through with any long-term plans.

Narcissists and sociopaths won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. However, sociopaths will run if it looks like they’re not getting a chance or they’re losing the game.

In contrast, the covert narcissist suffers more from abandonment than those with ASPD, so will try harder, even if discarding and hoovering, to hang on to their supply.

Idealization and devaluation are tactics used more by the other cluster B personality disorders than those with ASPD. The pursuit may be less intense and slower than with covert narcissists.

Covert narcissists are less agreeable and extroverted than their grandiose counterparts, as well as having anxiety attachment, leading to a quicker and more vigorous pursuit than that of a person with ASPD who suffer less from depressive and anxious symptoms than covert narcissists.

Many partners of people with ASPD get abuse, both physical and psychological, through infidelity and financial burden. The sociopathic proclivity for sexual promiscuity, impulsivity, and a craving to relieve boredom, also leads to cheating or other forms of short-term stimulation counter to a healthy relationship.

Twin studies suggest that people with less severe ASPD symptoms are more likely to get married and more successful in therapy.

“Although most of our subjects were no longer having frequent confrontations with the police, they continued to have enduring problems with poor occupational performance, social isolation, marital discord, poor family relations, and substance abuse” — Donald W Black.

Marriage is a moderating factor in ASPD; studies indicate that symptoms are less severe in married people with ASPD, those living with their partners, working in the community, and those with strong extended family connections.

Research on personality disorders and their dynamics in relationships is still lacking, mostly focused on personal accounts from people with the disorders; many researchers call for further studies to consider responses from those dealing directly with the person with a PD.

Personal accounts from people who live with narcissists and other personality disorders support the need for further research, particularly around narcissistic abuse. The daughter of a covert narcissist, Ember Lee, shares her story beautifully in this comparison of a psychologically abusive father to God:

You may also enjoy other stories comparing personality disorders in toxic relationships here:

Thank you for reading❤

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