God is Nothing Like a Narcissistic Father

I feel the need to point out that I’m a Christian and I believe in Jesus. I believe that there’s a spiritual war going on around us between good and evil and I believe that narcissists, whether they are aware of it or not, are on the wrong side. Because of these beliefs, a lot of what I write will include Christian themes.

So let’s get into today’s blog.

Did being raised by a covert narcissistic father influence my views and beliefs about my Heavenly Father? Oh course it did!

Distance was the first issue. My father was physically and emotionally distant. I don’t remember my father ever hugging me. (He also created a family culture where my mother and siblings weren’t comfortable hugging either.) Not even my frequent spankings involved physical touch: only wooden spoons.

At 8 years old my dad moved my mother, 3 siblings, and I across the country to a small house in a medium sized town where we knew noone. He bought the house the same week he interviewed for the job without consulting my mother. There were streets on two sides and forest on two sides of the one acre. The ideal isolated petri dish of a house to homeschool my siblings and me with no outside influences.

We were now physically distant from the outside world.

Even when I was sick my dad acted like I was disgusting and gross. He refused to help take care of me and my siblings when we were sick because it made him uncomfortable to be around sick people. There was no empathy for us. He even went so far as to tell us that “mind over matter” would fix us. So sickness was weakness.

When I literally needed my dad to take care of my physical needs, he kept his distance.

My parents said that God loved me. But they also said they loved me. I believed them on both counts. I had no reason not to. I had nothing to compare their “love” to.

Love was distant. Love was lonely.

My dad had a lot of rules. Just like the Bible. My dad controlled my behavior, my clothes, my hair length, my diet, who I interacted with… everything about my life. My dad used the silent treatment if I wasn’t behaving the way he desired. He would even walk away from me during a conversation if he didn’t like what I was saying. This lasted well into my adult years… all the way up to the point that I went “no contact.” My dad didn’t allow us to speak at the table during meals. He didn’t let us “raise our voices” in the house or outside, which meant anything above a quiet talking voice. He controlled everything and always got what he wanted.

I thought God was like my dad.

I thought that God walked away from me if I was naughty. I thought that God ignored my wants and needs. I thought that “God’s calling” was my miserable slavery to serve His needs. The Bible was God’s rules to me. Distant and cold. I had to jump through the hoops of frequently reading these rules and obeying them if I wanted God’s presence in my life.

But, dear friends, God is nothing like my earthly father!

To this day, at 35 years old, I struggle reading the Bible because it triggers those same feelings of distance with cold rules. But I take a deep breath and I open the Bible. And the words wash over me like a literal hug. God is warm and present! His words are alive. He reminds me that He is always near! But that initial cracking open the Bible still triggers me. Satan used my earthly father to steal my heavenly father away from me for too long.

It was only a few years ago that I truly began to understand that my father was emotionally and psychologically abusive. My brother has memories of my father being physically abusive too, but I have large memory gaps from childhood.

My heavenly father is nothing like my earthly father. My heavenly father forgives me in an instant. And He never stopped loving me or being near to me when I did make a mistake. He loves me even when I’m not perfect. He doesn’t just tolerate my presence; He longs for it! My earthly father practiced the silent treatment until I behaved the way he wanted. My heavenly father is never silent! Even when I can’t find the strength to open the Bible, He shows Himself to me through a song or the smell of the flowers. God never runs out of ways to be with me and peruse me! My heavenly father doesn’t walk away from me ever! I am never disgusting and gross to my heavenly father even when I’m sick or doubting or upset. My heavenly father wants to hear about my problems and help me solve them!

I’m crying while typing this because I easily forget that my heavenly father loves me.

Satan’s lies are so easy to believe because they were my parent’s lies.

My earthly father broke me to my core with his psychological abuse and isolation. Every cell of my body feels that I’m unlovable. I struggle trusting myself and valuing myself. Even now, years after I realized that my father was a narcissist, I am still trying to prove my worth to myself. I now know the truth in my head but it’s taking awhile for it to grow in my heart.

I wish that I could go back to that little 8-year-old girl and tell her that she is loved!

God was with her and one day God would give her a new family who loved her! She will have a husband who accepted her when she was broken and created a safe environment for her to become who she is now. And especially I want to tell her that she will be hugged. She’ll be hugged so many times a day by her two young boys that she’ll get tired of it! She knows what real love is now. And she’s growing and healing every day. Someday she’ll know her worth. It’s not today. But she’s not done healing!