Summary

The article discusses the complex dynamics of narcissistic family roles, particularly the long-term effects on the "golden child" and the "scapegoat."

Abstract

The article "Is it Better to be the Scapegoat or the Golden Child?" delves into the psychological implications of being raised in a narcissistic family. It posits that while the golden child appears to be favored, adored, and forgiven for their flaws, they suffer from immense pressure to uphold the parent's image, leading to a loss of self and crippling performance anxiety. Conversely, the scapegoat, often unfairly blamed and criticized, tends to develop a stronger sense of identity and is more likely to seek independence and recognize the dysfunction of their upbringing. The golden child, however, remains enmeshed with the narcissistic parent, often struggling with a conflict between dependency and separation, which can lead to a more severe form of internalized trauma. The article suggests that despite the apparent advantages, the golden child may be more deeply wounded than the scapegoat, who typically manages to escape the family dynamics with a more intact sense of self.

Opinions

The golden child in a narcissistic family is subjected to intense scrutiny and is not allowed to show imperfection, leading to a life of performance anxiety.
Scapegoats, while facing their own set of challenges, often maintain a sense of self and are more likely to seek help and independence from the toxic family environment.
The golden child is at risk of becoming another narcissist due to their indoctrination into the parent's worldview and the absorption of emotional damage alongside the attention they receive.
The roles of golden child and scapegoat are arbitrarily assigned and serve the narcissistic parent's needs, with the golden child being chosen for their attractiveness or suitability to reflect the parent's fantasies of grandeur.
The enmeshment between the narcissistic parent and the golden child can persist into adulthood, suppressing the child's true identity and enabling ongoing control and exploitation by the parent.
The scapegoat typically recognizes the faulty nature of their upbringing and seeks to establish their own identity away from the family, while the golden child may struggle with an underlying conflict between absorption by and abandonment from the narcissistic parent.
The article emphasizes that the damage to the golden child, though less visible, can be more severe due to their closer proximity to the narcissistic parent and the resulting intergenerational trauma.

Is it Better to be the Scapegoat or the Golden Child?

It sounds like a no-brainer, but the reality is a lot more complex.

So you thought your sister had all the luck. She was the doted on darling who could do no wrong. The centre of attention, looked after, adored and admired.

The resentment is still there. Bubbling away under a pristine surface and draining the facade of those fake happy family get togethers. I got pummelled for staying out late, while she was forgiven for everything….How come she got away with that?

But take it from me, golden children are ultimately the tarnished ones.

Being a golden child is like being the narcissistic parent’s mini me. They aren’t allowed to be themselves, nor are they allowed to be imperfect, because that would reflect badly on the parent. Whilst they seem to have it easy, the reality is that they are always on stage being scrutinised, usually suffering from a permanent and crippling case of performance anxiety. To be in the narcissist’s spotlight is to be constantly judged. Having one’s inevitable flaws held up to the cruel and critical gaze of the narcissist.

From the outside, it can seem pretty good. Better than the alternative. After all, being scapegoated is no fun. But scapegoats eventually escape the crucible, often with their identity intact. They usually have enough of a sense of self (and of reality) to relate to others and to seek their own path. Although the injuries to the self are still there, a scapegoat, by definition, is less favoured and ultimately less impinged upon by the narcissistic parent. Even though family life is painful, scapegoats still escape the worst of the wounding.

All members of a narcissistic family have their own separate and equally painful experience. In this difficult environment, siblings become hostile, and rivalry is amped to toxic levels. Narcissistic parents do nothing to adjudicate, soothe or demonstrate good boundaries. Relationships are purely instrumental, transactional and often exploitative, both within the family and outside it.

Sometimes the golden child can become another narcissist. Indoctrinated into the worldview of the damaged parent, the chosen one absorbs emotional damage alongside the attention. Despite what most scapegoats will tell you, golden children are usually the more severely traumatised in narcissistic families. But the trauma is all on the inside. Because they are “closer” to the parent, golden children are more vulnerable to the unconscious processes that create the intergenerational trauma at the heart of narcissism.

How does this happen?

Usually a narcissistic parent will choose one child (unconsciously or not) to reflect their grandiosity. The roles assigned within narcissistic families are normally both arbitrary and rigid, reflecting the parent’s internal world and serving their needs. Something about the soon to be golden child is attractive to the narcissistic parent: a vulnerability or a talent, an ability or a quality that makes them a suitable container for the unrealised fantasies of grandeur and perfection nursed by the narcissist.

But this identification is not a gift. It’s a curse. It’s like a tiny crack that allows the penetration of the disease of narcissism.

Of course all infants are vulnerable. But narcissistic parents will generally focus on one child in order to control them. This child will be groomed to meet the parent’s needs and to reflect glory. Whilst all children in a narcissistic family will be used to meet the parent’s needs (rather than the other way around as found in healthy families) the golden child is more intimately connected, and more damaged.

The enmeshment between narcissistic mother and golden child can last a lifetime, with the child rewarded for dependency and compliance well into adulthood. As they develop, their true identity remains suppressed, allowing the narcissistic parent to continue controlling and exploiting them.

As the infant complies with the parent’s narcissism so the infant’s true self is sacrificed, goes into hiding and is protected by a false compliant self. […] the compliance also serves as a means for identification, which in the absence of other emotional nurturance the infant and later the child is reluctant to relinquish.

There is then an underlying conflict involving an anxious struggle between absorption by and abandonment from this malignant identification. The longing to separate and the fear of survival if separation takes place creates a terrible dilemma especially as the child reaches adolescence and tries to leave home.

Fiona Gardner in British Journal of Psychotherapy 21(1), 2004

While the golden child hovers around the narcissistic hearth, unable to exert even a practicing identity, the scapegoat will normally escape the family home early to exert their independence. Although they will retain deep wounds from the toxic parenting they received, scapegoats are normally healthy enough to recognise that their upbringing was faulty and that they need help.

It is easy to see how the scapegoat is harmed in this all-too-common dynamic. To varying degrees, overtly or covertly, she is systematically belittled and shamed, carrying responsibility for the narcissist’s self-hatred, frustrating job, or burnt toast.

It is harder to see the damage done to the golden child. They appear to be above reproach — adored and always excused. But, like the scapegoat, the golden child is merely a pawn in the narcissist family system, an extension of the narcissist with no real identity or personal boundaries of his own.

Julie Hall