The Stages of Sexual Grooming Every Parent Should Know

This is knowledge about sexual grooming from someone who experienced it

I have experienced grooming as an adult and a child. I am a co-parent to a child who was sexually groomed. I was also sexually groomed as a little girl. There are many misconceptions about sexual grooming. One of the most disheartening responses I see is those blaming the child’s caregiver/s or even the child for the abuse.

Oprah said it best when she told her audience that if a sexual predator is good at grooming, he or she will make the victim think it was all their idea. What she didn’t hit upon is the way a sexual groomer grooms the caregivers as well.

In my series of short stories about a child bride in the deep south, I try to convey how this works through the eyes of the main character. I know it firsthand having been groomed from birth by a sex abuser who also happened to be my father.

These are the four stages of sexual grooming according to Stages of Sexual Grooming by G. Winters and E.L. Jeglic.

Victim Selection

Think of this as a hunter selecting their ideal prey. Child sexual abusers look for children in vulnerable positions who need some extra attention. Often the sexual groomer looks for single-parent households. They will ingratiate themselves to the family and likely work in a position of trust.

Gaining Access

Almost half of child sex abuse cases happen within the child’s family home. This is because gaining access to a child is the trickiest step for sexual grooming. Abusers tend to work in jobs that will give them access to children. Sexual abusers often work with children and will seem like advocates for them. Some even start charities so that they can exploit their position to gain access to a child.

Trust Development

This step is crucial in the stages of sexual grooming. The abuser seeks to build a trusting relationship, not only with the child but with their caretaker/s. The abuser will give gifts to the child, play games, and take them on special outings. They will also speak to them like they are adults. They sympathize with their woes and may offer them cigarettes, weed, and alcohol.

They do this to lower the child’s inhibitions but also to set up a culture of secret-keeping. The abuser may say something like, “Don’t let your mom know I let you do this. She doesn’t know how mature you’ve grown.” This makes the kid feel special and grateful to the abuser.

Desensitization to Touch

This is the last stage of sexual grooming. It has its own set of steps. The abuser seeks to touch the child often. They start with small touches like a pat on the shoulder. Then they rub the child’s back. They may lightly touch the child’s private areas “accidentally” to test the child’s reactions.

The touching will grow progressively bolder. The abuser and child may take a bath together, go skinny dipping, or look at pornography. Inevitably, the sexual grooming will reach its peak, and the abuser will begin engaging in sexual activity with the child.

Below are some suggestions I found on psychologytoday.com that can help you keep your kids safe

1. Children should not go alone to outings/overnights with adults that are not immediate family members. If a child goes with a family member, then it is always best when more than one relative/child attends.
2. Minors with cell phones should not be receiving personal text messages or e-mails from adults in the community. If a coach or teacher uses text messages for communication, the texts should be directed at the entire group of students or parents.
3. Do not encourage secret-keeping in your house. Explain to your child that if another adult tells them to keep a secret from their parent, that is wrong, and they should always let you know and that you will not be mad.
4. When developmentally appropriate, talk to your children about sexual grooming and tell them that they should always tell you if anything another adult does makes them uncomfortable. Let them know that you will still believe them and take their concerns seriously.
5. Be wary of other adults that show special attention to your child. While coaches or teachers may choose to single out exceptional talent, it should be in the context of the activity, and they should not be providing your child with gifts or treats that are not bestowed upon all children.
6. Be cautious of adults that touch your child unnecessarily. In some sporting activities, coaches may be required to have physical contact with the child. They may position their body or spot them, Let your child know that they should tell you if any adult is touching them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable or doesn’t listen when they ask them to stop.

Another hint I’d like to add is if a child suddenly stops wanting to hang out with a mentor or family member, don’t make them do it. They may be reacting to an abusive situation and don’t know how to protect themselves other than to stay away from the sexual abuser.

Even following every precaution, a sexual groomer may sneak their way in your door. In my case, sexual grooming happened with my father. He had easy access to me. In my niece’s case, her father used “special days” with his kids to take her away from home. He also snuck into her bedroom when the household was asleep.

Sexual grooming is a long and complicated process. Abusers manipulate children, their families, and their communities.

Let’s not blame the caregiver/s for being tricked. They blame themselves enough.

Trust me, I know from experience.